I’m so incredibly tired. Every single day is the same, whether I sleep or not, whether I take pills or not, whether I drink caffeine or not. It’s like there’s no energy in my system. I know I get enough calories, and I try to eat relatively healthy. It’s hard to imagine I’m deficient in anything essential.
So I assume it’s down to depression. I feel like I have no energy because my mind is telling my body that there’s no point releasing energy, because there’s no point doing anything. Not because there’s nothing to be done – there’s any number of chores that need to be done. But because even if I do them, nothing will fundamentally change. I will still be alone.
It seems like even if I do everything possible to find someone, I’m still likely to fall short. And even if I do find someone, I’ll still feel disconnected from them. And even if I do feel some level of connection, I’ll end up screwing it up.
The gulf between where I am and a life that seems meaningful feels so huge that I don’t really believe it’s possible. It doesn’t feel tangible or real for me. So it’s incredibly hard to make myself do anything toward bridging that gap.
If I ask myself “why am I doing this?”, all I can answer is “because it might make it marginally more likely for you to be able to find some kind of superficial relationship. Which, if you do find one, is unlikely to be emotionally satisfying, or last a long time.”
It’s so hard to push yourself to do something on that basis, when at most points you have the option of just going back to bed. When I have a tangible goal that’s related to my survival, I know I can drive myself to get things done. I do it with work deadlines all the time. But as soon as it’s something optional, or at least something that can be delayed, my motivation falls apart. I need to be able to tell myself “if I do this, this, and this, then I’ll have achieved my goal and I can rest.” But with self-improvement stuff, I doubt it’ll ever be enough. There’s no deadline to drive towards, and very little anticipation of a payoff down the line. It’s just expending effort into the void and hoping at some point it stacks up enough to make some kind of change happen, so I don’t feel like this anymore.
4 comments
You should get checked by a doctor, perhaps you have CFS, chronic fatigue syndrome. If it’s just depression, what helped me pull out of it was exercise, when I had it.
We’re in a similar boat in some ways…I’ve always been a social person and the kind who prefers to have someone in their life, I mean a s/o.
However I was very picky and then missed many good opportunities because I ‘zigged’ when I should’ve ‘zagged’ basically played my cards wrong.
I also got into the wrong relationships which isn’t much better than being single, then it’s just a waste of time.
What’s worse is that I barely had time to date girls, since I was always busy with school, work or life problems…and my best years passed me by.
I think you’ve set up a lot of imaginary road blocks that causes you to stop yourself from getting what you want or desire in life.
Firstly it’s hard enough just trying to make a good connection…then you have to find out their personality and if it suits you.
But that’s part of the fun of dating. Despite all the BS problems I’ve dealt with in life with family members/coworkers, etc…I still have a pretty positive view of women, and if I should happen to find the right one, I think it’ll be a great thing in my life.
If you have a superficial relationship, so what? At least you get out and have some fun and social interaction. Also it’s not like your future spouse is wearing a sign on her head…telling you she’s the one.
You’d probably need to date a number of women till you find her. My life really isn’t going too great now either…but I’m just trying make my goals happen either way.
I’d advise getting fit if you aren’t already, since the better you look, the better your odds of finding a good match. Ofc some people don’t care about ‘looks’ but imo it’s worth it.
Additionally I am going for the type of girls I used to date, fit and above average and they usually have high standards too…so I’m working out again, but not going as often as I should…hopefully soon. It would also help improve your confidence.
Women also like guys with positive attitudes…if you come across as depressed, they won’t be interested…so we have to put on a bit of an act too.
The older I get the less I want to keep struggling. I feel like a drowning man who’s starting to give up. I’m 51 this year….willing to go at least another 5 yrs, 10 max…if my situation doesn’t improve then I’ll “end it.”
When you’re younger and know little about the world, it seems like a mystery and so much to discover…then as you get older and start having the same kinds of experiences again and seeing that you’re not making much headway in life…then it all becomes very clear.
I wish I could’ve had a happier life…don’t we all? But we’re given a set of circumstances and do the best we can…sometimes we can get to that next level, other times we stay in a rut…the latter is my case.
So I’ll keep trying and maybe my luck will change. If not then I’m not tied to this life…or anyone in particular except a couple of close family members.
I had a taste of how great my life could’ve been, but it didn’t work out for me…so if I can’t have that again, it’s not worth going on…but as mentioned I’ll give it some more time.
CFS seems to be primarily a diagnosis of exclusion – what doctors reach for when there’s no other explanation. I probably should get physically checked out by a doctor, but it’s complicated here – unless you go private doctors tend not to be too thorough with that stuff. It makes sense to me that it would be caused by depression, as I can trace it back to events that fundamentally changed the way I thought about myself and reality in general. In the past I think exercise has helped a little, but it doesn’t really change anything. And it’s very hard to push yourself to exercise when everything in you is screaming that it’s pointless.
A superficial relationship might be good…I just don’t think it’ll significantly change the way I feel about things. And it’d require a huge effort (and probably a lot of rejection) to even get to that stage. So again, it’s something that’s difficult to push myself to consistently work towards.
Same, the older I get, the more I feel like giving up. I’m about to turn 36, and I’ve felt this way since I was 20. But back then, as low as I felt, I still had this kind of expectation that somehow things would work out. Now that’s more or less faded, and it doesn’t seem possible. It feels like it’s already over – I just don’t have it in me to end it yet. It doesn’t seem fair to do that to my family. So I guess I just have to live with it for now.
Agree with you my friend…I’m just holding on for family really, esp. my mom….she’s elderly, once she passes away, then there’s little to tie me here except other family members who I have an on/off relationship with.
While returning to the gym has shown me I can get my body back in shape and feel healthier and for now I intend to continue…I just have little reason to keep going on.
I really wish ending one’s life was as easy as buying a burger…but it’s still a hard process….fortunately there are ways of doing it that do work…if one puts in the effort to get the things they need.
But I am getting to that point of not caring about anything anymore. I had hoped I’d find a great girl to wife one day…maybe have kids if our lives were stable, but it seems like a long shot.
I think I might just stick to some casual fun for now…trying to find a quality woman is hard work. So I can see where you’re coming from as well.
You’re still pretty young and have a chance of making a better life…but it will take a lot of effort and I don’t get the sense that you want to go through all that trouble.
We all die eventually…I feel a little sorry for my nieces/nephews that I built a good bond, so it will affect them if I’m gone…but that’s life. Hell any of us could die in a car crash tomorrow or heart attack…but I guess people feel more emotionally hurt if it’s as a result of suicide.
The kids might feel they’re to blame somehow (or that they could’ve done more) and it makes them reflect on their own life and worry if they might lose another family member. My sister (and her spouse) have talked about suicide also, as they have experienced some major hardships also, they nearly went bankrupt, but are still getting by for now.
So a lot of people are suffering out there. A strange irony is that one of the worst people in my life, who’s an ingrate, who I’ve saved time and time again, my other sister, happens to be doing very well financially and appears to be having a good life. It’s fine I’d rather see her do fine than suffer, but she’s not someone I would’ve bet on to go far.
It makes you wonder if good people end themselves while the crappy ones are the ones who breed and do well. I guess I should’ve been a selfish azzhole in life, instead of caring/compassionate and maybe I would’ve went farther. I’m kidding, her bad attitude keep her from making good friendships…so I wouldn’t ever want to be in her shoes even if she is well off.
Getting back to you…if it’s depression, there are some drugs and newer therapies that I’ve heard are getting good results…perhaps you might want to see a therapist and see what they can do for you. I agree on the CFS point also.
Otherwise it seems you’ve made an assessment that whatever you do, it won’t get better so it’s not worth even trying…and I respect your position.
As I was saying in my post above, I too feel it’s pointless to struggle. However I’ll keep going for now…but I seriously think it’s time get a ‘kit’ together for the day I feel I’ve had enough, then I’ll tie up my affairs and sign out for good.
Struggle, hard work should always lead to some pay off and when you try so many different ways to change you lot in life and it doesn’t change…just mildly improves, it’s no longer worth it.
i have felt something similar to this allllllllllllllllll my life. my earliest memory is wishing God would erase me. not die. i did not want my mom or sister to mourn me. i did not want to go to heaven or hell. i want to just cease to exist. i have no idea how old i was. i just know it was before i was in school and i started school at 4 years old. sooooooooo. in 40 years this wish has never gone away.
i have done allllll the things they say to help with depression. i had hobbies, i exercised. i ate right. i went to church. sang in a choir. i watch funny movies. i purposely hung out with folks that were jolly and fun not depressed. i went to therapy. i wrote in a journal. i learned new things. went outside. studied about gratefulness. curated my social media so it made me happy. stopped watching the news and talks shows and judge show cuz humanity is awful. i took meds. had low iron, got that fixed. i dress well. got my hair done so i felt pretty. and i always felt temporary happiness in the moment. and then i did not.
so i did allllll the things they say. except for one- the support group. i do not have one and never have because i cannot connect to others. when i was younger i thought i did not connect to folks like others could because i just had not found folks that i liked enough. then i thought i had a wall around my heart to protect myself. then i thought it was because i had trust issues. then i though it was due to being asexual (but that did not explain why i could not make real friend connections with my family, classmates, coworkers, or church.)
i read A LOT. so i saw in movies and tv how folks loved and connected. i read about it. i understood i never FELT those things. like ever. so the point of this life is to love. period. relationships. passion for doing something. it is all love. and that is an emotion like many others i have never truly felt. i just mimic it. so life is pretty pointless. i hates it.
i wish i could gift my great health to my sickly sister who has a husband and 3 children and friends. i wish i could have given it to my 30 year old cousin who had an autoimmune disease so covid killed her. i wish i could give my really good health to my 67 year old mom who has bits of arthritis and catches colds. (i don’t which is how i knew i had covid in 2020. lasted for 3 days and then i was me again. ugh.) i am so physically health and so mentally ill. ugh. i also wish i was stupid. then i would not know how messed up i was.
but really i just wish i was never created. then my family and coworkers would not miss me when i was gone. then i could be gone.
so i get being tired of the fight or struggle. doing all the things for the results to fade within a month, week, day. it makes me wonder why SO MANY of us feel this way. (if i was stupid i would not wonder about such things. i’d be happeir.)