I loved him as much as I could ever love a dog that didn’t live in my house. His name was Bernie, and today we found him dead. God, it’s all so matter of fact…. there’s still a part of me that wants to fight it. The denial of death has never been more real, I tried to do CPR, but it was too late. I held him and I wailed. He was only three years old, and every time we went to my friend’s house he would come up and cuddle me, and he was just so sweet.
and I realize it’s “just a dog”, and how “lucky” I am this is the biggest loss I’ve had in almost a year. The last time I remember being this sad was when a close friend of mine, who I went to school with, died suddenly.
but it brings up my big fear about death, my death anyway. I don’t want anyone finding my body. It’s at least 80% of what keeps me alive most days. because I know people love me as much as I loved that dog. I know it would break people.
See the shackles? See em’? I’m imprisoned by my love for others….. and as much as I wish I could turn it off sometimes…. I can’t. So I’m left feeling sad, because to be sad is to admit that you cared. It isn’t weakness, it’s strength.
and of course it also bothers me because I have a senior dog, who I’ve been worried about all summer…. and she’s fine… but it’s different when an old animal dies. This one was young, we didn’t know how long he had, but no one could have predicted him going out this young.
just another empty space, another loved one lowered into the ground. Sooner or later, it’ll be most of what surrounds me, empty spaces where once was. I’m not okay, and I owe him that, that’s my memory of him, which I don’t want to go anywhere. Turns out I do have a heart, and it’s breaking, accursed thing, who engineered this bloody mess?
2 comments
I’m so sorry about the loss of your beloved pet. I do not minimize your loss–often times, our pets are there for us when we are down. I know it’s true about my cat. Somehow, they’re able to sense it. We form attachments to them, and them to us. They are family. It is alright to grieve this loss, and I don’t look down upon you for it one bit. Not at all. It’s hard to experience grief when you’re already down.
You loved this dog, and this dog loved you, and the loss of this connection completely warrants how you feel. Lovingly allow yourself to go through this pain.
I wish I could give you more than my condolences. But again, I’m so sorry for your loss
Pets are family, so it hits you pretty hard when they pass, especially when it happens so suddenly.
My favorite dog died in a similar way, but you noticed that they weren’t eating as much and weren’t as energetic, that type of thing. Found him dead in the yard one day, dad buried him not too far from the house. I have a cat, I’d be heartbroken if something like that happened to him, especially since I raised him with my friend. My condolences. It will take time to heal but you can always remember the good times with them.