Life has been ABSOLUTE MISERY since the LITERAL DAY I moved here. Folks, do NOT ever move in with your selfish fucked up mom who never cared much about you growing up. WHY was I stupid enough to move back here? Bc I had nowhere else to go (thanks to SISTER who fucking made me give up my rent controlled apt) and bc I thought it would be a separate “studio” so it would be separate from her place and that it would be renovated.
Little did I know, that ONLY PARTS of the bathroom and kitchen would be renovated, and the rest of the place that is NOT renovated- is old, disgusting and crumbling down, and the air smells so stale and gross down here.
And the parts that DID get renovated, was done SO crappily by the lazy POS contractor. Everything is falling apart. Literally.
Since DAY ONE- I have been arguing nonstop with mother- 1- bc she’s a stubborn idiot cow and 2- bc she’s fucking FUCKED UP in the head. And I mean that literally. Think dirty hoarder type. Yeah. Everything is “clean” to her, even though there’s black bacteria everywhere, and every item is “new” even though it’s obviously USED and gross and has hairs or grime on it. But no, it is “new.”
Constant fights with her, and I am the one that is painted as evil bc no one else bothers to argue with her bc they don’t have to live with her or see how gross it is and doesn’t affect them. And bc NO ONE says shit to her, she thinks everything is fine, and clean, and since NO ONE has said anything except for me, well then obviously the problem is ME, just complaining. FFS. Family who don’t say anything to her about her disgusting house is contributing to the problem. Bc when I raise it, NO ONE backs me up so then I’M the evil fucked up one.
ABSOLUTE FUCKING HELL.
My mother IS fucking MENTAL-
-She moved my stuff and denies doing it and tries to GASLIGHT ME saying “you never put any boxes in the room.”
-She DENIES putting the fungus filled USED flip flops on TOP of my CLEAN NEW electronics and folders and papers and whatever else I had on the desk. WHO TF PUTS DIRTY ASS USED SHOES ON TOP OF A DESK FULL OF STUFF? Dirty shoes belong on the floor, or at least put them in a bag. But no. She put my worn flip flops on TOP of all my stuff on my desk. WTF. ANd when confronted, DENIES she did it and keeps INSISITING that *I* was the one who put the flip flops on the desk. As if I’d even keep cheap ass dirty shoes in the first place, let alone put WORN SHOES on TOP of ALL my STUFF
-I tell her a million times to NOT come down to my kitchen area or open the garage or basement doors and she KEEPS fucking doing it. Confront her and she DENIES it. EVERY. TIME. Which only INFURIATES me MORE.
TLDR- DO NOT EVER MOVE IN WITH YOUR MOM/family (unless you get along great with her/them).
8 comments
one of my big fears, matter of fact, is having to live with my mother again. Your mom sounds worse, so I can’t imagine….
so since I’m an only child, if either of my parents dies, then the other one is VERY likely to lean on me, especially since I’ve needed their help for so long. It’s a mandatory obligation. So if my dad goes first…… that’s my nightmare. The worst that would happen with dad is that he’d grow more forgetful, but he’s already forgetful, in a sweet sort of way.
but my mom. She needs to be worried about some shit. Thankfully I’ve always provided, but she’s not grateful for that. but if my life was fine (dare to dream), she’d be worried about kids today not going to church or some other boomer shit.
Her dad was a piece of work too, but we got along because I didn’t put up with him being manipulative, but he was on her for the last 20 years of her life, he called her and spoke for hours every night… and that was just him. So my fear is her becoming like he was…. resentful about losing autonomy, and passively agressively taking it out on the rest of us.
thankfully there is a not so secret weapon; if she REALLY gets difficult, I’m not above putting her in an old age home. I’d never want it myself, but I’d never treat my own child like she treats me. She’s always just been like “It’s a flawed world, what can you do?” so I might say that, REALLY snarky when I drop her off at a home.
who am I kidding, I doubt I’d have the stones to do that. My wife would say it to her though, so there’s a thing.
oh trust me, my mother is a million times worse. i haven’t mentioned any of the abusive shit she used to do to me when i was a kid. but the stupidity is on me for believing she’s changed or gotten better now that she’s old and for coming here. i should’ve known better. i wouldn’t have come here if i had literally ANYWHERE else to go.
I used to get deceived by their momentary change of behavior only to realize later that it was just that – momentary. But when it comes to living with them it’s not momentary, it’s 24×7. There long term behavior applies, and long term behavior of parents doesn’t change. If you’re away they would do things to bring you back, tell they’ve changed, show compassion, sweet words, concerns. It is as though they appreciate you only when you’re away. Only then you’ve worth.
My mother still tries to urge me to get back, say how she has changed, how she now understands. But I know better. I was back home for 4 years, I know better.
So, thanks for reminding. Just today I talked to her. My state of mind is still affected when I talk to them, although it’s much better than how it used to be affected before. I need to make myself more distant, more unaffected.
And sorry for my bad advice on another one of your similar post before. But I would still say, given your situation, given your health problems, you should stay with family. Try improving, making things better there itself. She is old and prone to making mistakes but you are young, you can improve things. Hire better plumber one time and have all bathroom and piping related things fixed. Get a dehumidifier for humidity. Take charge of the house. That’s why they called you back, isn’t it? Responsibility comes with rights/power. If they called you back to take care of your mother, then they would also accept, have to accept, your authority in house. And you may deny but I think, somewhere deep deep down, they do care about you. Otherwise she wouldn’t spend 10k+ to renovate a space for you, however badly it may have be done due to incompetence.
Also, try to distant your mother from yourself (psychologically). Make her words and actions no longer affect you.
No- my mother spent 10k NOT bc of me, but bc it would look bad to ALL the other relatives if I have no place to stay and she wouldn’t fix up an empty place for me to stay. it’s not even a real studio- it’s a tiny tiny room with a tiny bathroom and then the moldy stinky basement is a “kitchen.” but the air is super bad down there and i really shouldn’t even risk go down there
There were things I wanted her to fix- some as simple as changing the light switch plates that haven’t been changed for 40 years. Not expensive. She wouldn’t do it. She wouldn’t do a single thing that my uncle didn’t explicitly tell her to do. There’s holes in the windows and gaps in the door where bugs routinely come in through. Shit like that. It didn’t get fixed bc a NORMAL fucking person would have fixed it without being told to. But she didn’t do a SINGLE thing that my uncle didn’t explicitly tell her to fix.
Hell, he asked her to fix the rickety and dangerous wooden handrail and she wouldn’t do it. That puts ME at risk of falling and injuring myself. You’re telling me someone who cares about me and my health WOULDN’T fix the railing? That is literally the BARE MINIMUM and she didn’t fucking do it.
You don’t know how many times I’ve tripped and nearly fallen. The stairs didn’t get fixed either. So caring about me is BULLSHIT. What good does renovating the kitchen do for me when the STAIRS and RAILING going down to it is DANGEROUS AF to me?
No- that’s the fucking problem- my mother does NOT respect me nor does she respect or listen to a single thing I say. This is HER house so she feels like she can do whatever she wants- including yelling and screaming at me and banging on the door and waking me up ALL the fucking time for bullshit all the fucking time.
I get you’re trying to be helpful with advice- but the thing is- I was stupid to have even come back here in the first place. There is NO fucking way I’m staying- it is a death sentence. Hell, I would rather kill myself. Staying here just a few short months has damaged my health, and I was already sick. Staying here is HORRIBLE for my mental health, and I was already mentally bad off. This should tell you how just bad it is. I would literally rather die than live here. Mother is fucking insane and a ***** to me. WHY would I stay here?
It’s shitty that I don’t have the health nor help to move out the country. If I had help I would have been gone already. Being here is literally THE WORST thing for me. This shit is what drives me SUICIDAL.
Also- she MAKES UP STUFF ALL the fucking time. Literally LIES and PULLS SHIT out of thin air and doggedly defends it. Like WTF.
Also, the rest of the family members now all hate me bc of her. She has a way of always twisting everything to make herself the poor innocent victim and always talking shit about me. Just like she did my father and they all hated him and blamed him for everything when SHE was to blame for HALF the shit.
I should’ve never fucking come back here.
I should’ve never had a moment of weakness. I only agreed to come back (the first time) bc father had died and thought I’d keep her company for a few years then leave when she’s gone.
I should’ve never listened to my lying sister when she refused to tell me the full truth about the other place and made me give up my low income apt. It wasn’t cheap- it still cost an arm and a leg, but bc I gave up that place, there’s nowhere I can live.
Also- it’s the LACK OF RESPECT. When I came here the first time (last year) she wanted me to call some places for her (she doesn’t speak English) and I said I’ll call on Tuesday bc Mondays are stupidly long to wait on hold, and she says “so what you have to be on hold for an hour, or two hours or three hours. so what? you’re not doing anything anyway.”
THAT is her attitude. You think that shit is going to fly with me? This is why I don’t get along with her. She treats me like utter CRAP.
She wouldn’t dare treat my other siblings like this, but she would me. Bc I am disabled and not making money so therefore my life is worth nothing. This is how she thinks.
my mother treats me like absolute horse shit. WHY would I want to stay and put up with that shit? she was a controlling abusive mother and still is. i am only staying bc i have trouble just packing my suitcases let alone travel halfway around the world to a foreign country and not knowing anyone and with NO help.
I can’t distance myself from here when I’m living right next to her. And she is constantly yelling at me for this shit or that shit. My little “area” and her area is connected. It’s not like a separate place, even though they call it a “studio” (it’s the dumpiest fucking place). My dumb self shouldn’t have come back here.
my mother treats me like absolute horse shit. WHY would I want to stay and put up with that shit? she was a controlling abusive mother and still is. i am only staying bc i have trouble just packing my suitcases let alone travel halfway around the world to a foreign country and not knowing anyone and with NO help.
I understand. That’s why I said “given your situation”. I am pro independence, pro free life, pro separation from parents. I would be the last person to suggest someone to live with his parents, especially parents with abusive history. But your situation doesn’t allow that.
I totally get the lack of respect thing. That’s what drives me away from my parents too. They prefer society/relatives over me, take their side over me. They would disrespect me, do injustice to me just to get in good eyes of “socials” who have weird standards of good and bad. The other day 6-8 people of village kunba (distant relatives) came to our house and I needed to serve tea to them. One of them seemed to have a disability of holding cup so he needed to have tea served in other utensil (katori). But even his speech was distorted due to old age and I couldn’t understand him precisely and served again in wrong way. Other guys laughed. How does my father defend me? “Oh he never learned serving that’s why” he says half laughing. They laugh again.
Other people are assholes and I don’t care about them or their mock. But my own parents should take my side, not join them.
So, I totally get that lack of respect thing. But understand the dynamics of age. As someone gets older, gets in old age, his words get less sharp, lose their authority, lose their value. They become more like “raving thing” as Norman Bates said about his mother. They become less logical, less sensible, more residual, more repetitive. They ought not be taken that seriously anymore. I have grandfather of 90+ age and gets angry over random things and repeats things from memory with no relevance but people take it as amusing. His words are not taken serious and should be so.
My point being, as parents age, their words and actions no longer hold as much relevance. Even their disrespects are to be taken like “he/she is just repeating things from memory, holding onto losing ego” and forgotten.