- I don’t know why I try. I’ve been suicidal for 4 years and have had many attempts but they all fail. Am I a coward? Am I not strong enough? I think I am. I’ve been hospitalized 4 times. Nothing helps. I don’t want anything to help. My therapist doesn’t get that. I want them to understand, but I also don’t. I am just a big contradiction. Am I not suicidal enough? I am. Then why am I alive? I don’t know. School starts soon. I hate it. I go so I can hide in the bathroom and cut. Why do I cut? The answer used to be that I deserved it. I still do, but I want to. I love it. I live for it. It’s not enough. I will never be enough. I’ve accepted that. People think I am doing better. They will never know. I have what I need. I’ll do it. I know I will. When? When things calm down. When it won’t mess up my families plans. They don’t need me. My sister is the golden child. I’ve never been enough. Not for me, them. Not even to my cat. She’s why I’m here. But I need to go before she does. There is no life without her. I want to hurt those who have hurt me. Do I deserve closure with them? No. Do I want it? Do I want them to know they helped me reach this point? Yes. I want them to hurt. Is that normal? Probably. Pretending is easy. A smile here. A giggle there. Make conversation. Leave as soon as possible. I’m going to do it. I don’t want me family to find me. Maybe I’ll run away. Do it in the woods. A stranger will find me. They have no emotional connection to me. They won’t care. It’ll be perfect. The countdown has begun. Tick tick tick tick. I’m disgusting. It’s time. Depression, anxiety, OCD, misophonia, ADHD, autism. I thank you. You made me strong.
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3 comments
Many of us are indeed full of contradictions. Parts of us want to go, other parts want to cling on.
School is not forever, if you can make it through. Circumstances might be different on the other side. And you may be surprised how much your loss could effect your family, however “lesser” you feel in comparison to siblings.
But none of that helps with the way you feel about yourself, the way you feel inside. That’s what I find difficult to cope with day to day, and I wish I had answers to give.
I don’t expect all the answers from anyone. It just means a lot that you read and responded to my post. It makes me feel seen.
I’m glad 🙂