I know so many people who see me, talk to me, they think I express myself well, and I’m incredibly insightful….. and I’m…. THAT is the coping mechinism. I don’t belong, I’ve been an outsider for the longest time. Sometimes it’s a badge I wear with pride, but it’s also a source of shame. I tried to fit, I put immense work into trying.
and what scares me, as much as I allow myself to be scared by anything, is that I don’t want to try anymore.
because I’m a trauma survivor, my shields against the few things that really scare me are high. and in so many ways, I act like I don’t care what others think. That’s the thing though, I’m not capable of really connecting with what others think about me. It’s hot and cold, either “oh you’re interesting” or “what the hell?” and I just want “oh hey other human”….
but through that whole thing last week, that experience that stripped me down and made me look at some really unpleasant parts of myself. That resentment, that anger that I feel for not being accepted, for not belonging and not fitting in. It’s been with me my whole life.
and so I can stay alive. I don’t actually hate me, absent reminders of my weakness. but I can’t go fill a job. I might be able to go back to school, but that would take a miracle. I won’t be joining a church, or a gym class, or anything that makes me have to relate to people who are similar to me in any superficial way.
There’s nothing as painful for me right now than that I want to keep trying, I don’t want to drop out of society, but I don’t see another way to keep me breathing. PLEASE understand I’m not being melodramatic. Last “job” I worked I got so suicidal that it was an exquisite desire to die. I wanted to exit as much as I’ve ever wanted anything. And because I’m the one who has to keep talking that down, I eventually reached a point that….
It’s not worth that danger, not for $15 an hour, not for $30 an hour.
I think my family would rather me be homeless but alive than dead for trying and failing to win the rat race. and I’m struggling to talk about it, outside of to people who can’t tell anyone I know. It’s this festering secret, and sometimes I feel like everyone knows and other times I think I can’t make anyone understand.
at the end of the day, I’m right back to where I remember starting, an alienated child with no understanding or appreciation for why things are the way that they are. I can talk endlessly about economics, psychology and philosophy, but I will never understand or identify with a system that prioritizes money over people.
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I like this site for many reasons, a big reason being the cast of characters who populate this site, one starts to become accustomed to the biography, writing style etc of the characters on this site. For me personally you give the best advice on this site, that is practical and realistic, I detect no bullshit in your writing, I cannot relate to or respect bullshit, perhaps you do ‘fit in’, that would be my opinion.
thank you
I guess that’s the contrast, I take away my face and suddenly it is so much less work. maybe I’m unrealistic wishing for that in my day to day. I wish I could show my family or others around me the self I can present here. I do try.
I don’t know what the people in my life want me to be, even though I’ve been trying to be it. It’s been revealing, as I have asserted my position that I just can’t, there’s been less resistance than I thought there would be. and that’s empowering and confusing. Like, great I can present as I like, and yet why am I not what they want me to be? Why is that such a challenge to the point I question if it was possible?
honestly sometimes I wonder if there’s a healthy version of becoming a cult leader, because cults on average collect outcasts and hurting people, and that’s the only skill I don’t work at. It’s disturbing when I get into my background, it looks a lot like most cult leaders. That is, except the criminality and confidence games. I’ve never figured out how to monatize it, at least not in a scalable way.
but I fit here, it’s true, and I do appreciate it so much.
how were you able to monetize it, in a small-scale way?
my two jobs that I had success in, being a weird loner was an asset. First, working at the hospital with very sick people, they gave me so much respect for my own experience, both staff and patients. My entire job security there was that I could bring hard to reach patients out of their shell. Meanwhile, I got the support I needed, because I didn’t have to hide, my coworkers knew what mental illness looked like, and knew when to give me support or encouragement.
I can say it’s one of the weirdest things, that clinical setting was the closest I ever felt to belonging somewhere. It was something like two or three years, and it wasn’t perfect, it was hard as hell sometimes, but I fought for it, and I would have kept at it if the place was going to keep existing.
I drive by the abandoned building at least once a month. Happy and sad memories mingle together, but most of all it was a place I could work and be valued.
Then in a different way being a field tech was good for me, took advantage of my personality and skills. I spent the majority of my days alone performing an essential task. As often as not, it was in really rough neighborhoods. Again, I feel really weird about it, that I have these warm feelings, in these spaces where crime and poverty were everywhere.
and that was for about a year. So four years out of almost 20 working, I was able to trade my work for compensation. For at least a few of those, I was paying my own bills, and it felt really good.
but it’s not scaleable, not even into an ongoing career. Those two workplaces were really weird cultural anomolies. Jobs like that either don’t exist, or they are really well hidden. Again, 20 years of looking, because I was looking before I started working too.
I was so jealous, later on, knowing that there were people who got to work at that hospital for 20 years, 30 years…. and they didn’t know what a rare and vanishing thing it was.
“I think my family would rather me be homeless but alive than dead for trying and failing to win the rat race.”
Lucky you. My family would rather I be dead.
“but I will never understand or identify with a system that prioritizes money over people.”
As a Economics/Finance major, my eyes were cut open and have not been able to “unsee” society for what it is since -_-
should’ve stayed innocent in the sciences like i had wanted, but for the lack of money to go to the school/specialty for what i *actually* wanted to go into. sigh. all my hopes and dreams and opportunities dashed bc of lack of money. that is my life…
yeah, I think that’s part of what I dealt with, having my illusions removed. I used to think that finance was some complex and unimportant sort of has to exist for the modern economy, like chemical companies. (I’m relatively ignorant of chemical companies, but it seems like it is really hard to remove the chemistry in the food industry from the current economy. Maybe it would be as easy for society to do without as poverty)…..
Then when I got deeper in, finding out that the economy was structured that way on purpose. One of the most memorable moments in my education was the one economics class I took. The teacher was kind of a wild fun guy that really loved his subject. He talked to us about the Lorax. In the Lorax a character chops down all the trees of a limited species, destroying the ecosystem.
and it was on the test, his big takeaway from that; “What economic reason was the ecosystem destroyed in the Lorax?” and the answer was “Because the trees were free”
so right there, over a decade ago now, was the entire problem of why awful things happen, economically. Underregulation. Then I got a degree in psychology, and I learned the really awful things people in that industry have done to undermine unions, to promote the worship and wholesale public welfare directed at the very rich….
and I couldn’t find anyone who wanted to fix it. I met people who agreed it was terrible, but “that’s the way it is”
the 21st century version of “we’re following orders.”
see, because it doesn’t have to be. It’s only this way because humans are allowing it to be. Not powers, not wealthy people, this is an all humans issue. Because humans have said no to this. Ordinary people have overthrown corrupt systems. There’s no excuse for not doing it now.
the human species is disappointing as hell. this is why i can’t believe in the “think happy, think positive, everything is going to be fine!” bs spiel.
Our main problems are Greed and Corruption by the Rich and Powerful, and Apathy and lack of action on the part of the masses. YES, ppl CAN affect change, but only if they actually do anything about it. You see how the Yellow Vests are in France. American’s don’t do shit. A few marches here and there ain’t gonna do shit. If it doesn’t affect the pocketbooks of the crooked companies, then they aren’t going to do shit to change. If companies or corrupt politicians aren’t held accountable, then nothing will change. This is why I have no hope for America. It’s a sinking ship. Even the elites know that- which is why they’re looting everything before it sinks.
except ppl are either too chickenshit to do it or don’t care enough about it to. i’ve learned my lesson a few years after I got out of college- in my first job- that ppl are selfish assholes and care only about themselves. i tried to speak out about an injustice at work- which they were all a part of- and they said they’d all come with me to speak to the Director. Then as the date approaches, they ALL- every last ONE of these mf’ers- left me out to hang. At the last minute, they all refused to speak up, and I had the appt with the Director so I couldn’t not go. And ofc it was MY ass on the line and with NO ONE supporting what I said, the Director was ofc suspicious of my damning words. But to her credit, I told her to do an internal audit to find out the truth and she did.
Anyhow, long story of it is- ppl are selfish assholes. NO ONE had any balls to speak out. And when I did, I was left to hang. So I will never make the mistake again of trying to speak up for injustice. Knives will be thrown at your back- and front- and for what? There is no benefit and all the drawbacks and punishments.
This is why there’s so few Julian Assanges, or Edward Snowdens. Those who speak up and do the right thing and expose corruption, get their lives ruined.
People wonder how Nazi Germany and the torture of Jews came out. For me, it’s VERY easy to imagine, but we see it on a small scale every day- where NO ONE ever speaks up for any injustice. People just dunk their heads and say “it’s not my problem.”
—
First they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out—because I was not a socialist.
Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out—because I was not a trade unionist.
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.
—Martin Niemöller