I hate this

so, there’s another hope dissappearing into the sunset, or into the mist, whatever is the most anticlimatic depressing way for something to go away. Sinking back into the swamp like a depressed horse. You know what? Horse had a point, took the easy way out, it’s the end of that movie where suddenly things start working out after kicking the protagonist’s butt for hours that is unrealistic. That’s right, not the flying dog dragon, not the lazer eyed sphinxes, and not even the rock biter

I wanted to be wrong, so badly. It’s been almost constant, this feeling that “maybe I’m being too negative”, but it ain’t true, I’m not negative enough.

My friend, who is way healthier and more resiliant than I am, didn’t survive the same job that chewed me up and spit me out. They drummed her out, this is after months of her making life changes for them, after working all night over the weekend.

and I’m here being an egoist about it, like “well what chance have I got?” She survived a call center for a decade, if there’s a pedigree for BS tolerance, that’s got to be it.

and I find out all of this after a bad night. My stomach is doing a new thing where I’m really hungry before bed, then I wake up four hours later with an upset stomach… and this time it lasted all night, I didn’t fully go to sleep all night. Then, because I was lying there trying to sleep, my dog pooped on the floor, and it was just; “This is my life….”

Then, I was supposed to meet with my case worker, never got the reminder, don’t have the energy to chase it. I had to go to the pharmacy and get my scripts filled. And the building the pharmacy is in has a screwed up elevator, so I had to climb four flights of stairs….. then there’s trying to get out of their lot…. one of the worst left turns in the city. I was having flashbacks, to my first near wreck in a company car on that same turn…. no one go back and tell me that’s going to become a fixture of my life once a week for several years.

I’d sink into the swamp. Anyone got a swamp of sadness? I’d like to stubbornly sink, all the while the people who lie to themselves about there being hope are saying “Oh no! Don’t sink into the swamps of sadness, Resist!!!!”

For what? What am I holding on for? My alternative is if I could just settle in, like that giant turtle, and be a constant downer to anyone who ever talks to me. That seems like a path.

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

“Left alone to rot”

Update: my case worker called about me missing my appointment, and I talked to her about the stuff I said. Funniest bit “You think the therapist would help today?” …… no. It’s a hopeless situation, I already am thinking about it too much, I don’t need a hand hold through it, I need to avoid it

supposedly the healthy thing would be to deal with my feelings, but I remind everyone of my thesis; a better outlook doesn’t really help anyone. It makes you believe in stupid things, like things getting better. Eh, I’m in a nihilistic mood, the Nothing had a point, is all I’m saying

(I know this is gmork, but he’s the closest we get to a face for the nothing. Also what’s with that name, is he from gork? Seems he embraced nothingness decades ahead of mork from ork….. oh yeah, dark suicide humor, I’m for it.)

there’s a villain I can get on the same side of, the Nothing was cleaning things up, someone has to