I’m so desperately lonely. I want to know the feeling of being held again. I want this bullshit in my head to fucking stop. I just want to know someone doesnt find me fucking annoying, apparently, because everyone around me acts like I’m the most annoying inconvenient person to be around. Even if its supposedly a “joke” like my stepdad saying that yes I am annoying over and over again and I kept apologizing but he wouldnt stop… And I know it’s a god damn joke to him because he takes nothing seriously it seems, which is another thing entirely. Maybe its projecting because I really am that bad. I want to hide away. I’m never going to be fucking good enough. This is bullshit, pointless bullshit. I’d like to make friends but I cant even seem to be a likeable person. I want to be loved. I want people to think I’m funny, cool, pretty, the works. I think of these stupid fucking fantasies that will never ever be real. I’m just a useless fucking b:tch and a failure of a human. Pathetic idiot. Whiny as hell. Hence I’m here. At least I dont tell others people now. Finally figured out no one gives a flying fuck. I’ve always been alone. The constant moving. The silence from parents. Sometimes days without a word. I deeply crave to be hugged and held. I’m so stupid. I want to die so badly. I want to die. To fade into nothingness. A heaven would be nice. Sure. It’s hard for me to believe in its existence. Hell isnt so hard. My mind is hell. I create hell for everyone else. At least it seems. Maybe I need therapy. I dont want to bring that up with anybody. I probably don’t need it anyway. Just need to quit blathering on about it. Blather blather all I ever do I’m not even interesting enough to talk about something people would be interested in. I know I’m going to suck it up and try to kill myself eventually. I’m tired and hurting. I dont even have the energy to try to do anything. I stare at screens until my eyes burn instead.
I wish you would talk to me, damn it. I love you to death. I know you know that. Do you even realize I’m losing my fucking mind? Do you even fucking care? I wish youd just tell me to fuck off instead of vanishing. You said you wouldnt do it anymore. It fucking hurts. I still love you. I still remember the feeling of your hand holding mine on the couch. I remember the feeling of you hugging me. When I dream of you I can feel your fucking hands. I use your voice in my head to convince myself to eat or anything. Idiotic. Do you even care? Do you even care? Did you ever? It’s been months, please god fucking say something damn it SAY SOMETHING. WHY WOULD YOU JUST LEAVE ME LIKE THIS. I’m not mad, I know it’s wrong to be, I know it is, I’m a selfish fuck. I miss you, I miss you so fucking much I want to kill myself over it. But I dont want you to think it’s your fault in any way. I’ll always love you but right now it just hurts. Tell me to kill myself if nothing else, fuck. I would.
I’m hurting. So much. Too much.
2 comments
I feel you on that. It’s been a long time since I was held and told everything would be okay. It’s something others go through as well as myself. Always hurting and feeling you have no one to comfort you. Then you feel you’re a waste of space and just want to end it all. To rest in an eternal sleep. To never be awakened. You should always be yourself and never change though. There will be people that won’t like you and even hate you, but u should be your true self no matter. Some people may come along and might accept you for you. That’s what matters. Doesn’t matter if others don’t find you cool and amazing. It can be hard to find those kind of people and it makes you feel you’re all alone and that you’ll die alone. I can get your story. But hey, I’m always open chatting with others so I’ll leave my email if you ever feel the need to chat. I would say things will heal and things will get better, but I rather not lie to you. I usually hate when people say that stuff. Anyway if I never hear from you, best of luck on your journey: morganb58@yahoo.com
It’s sad how we sometimes know how everything will probably end. We know we’re in that point where we’re so tired we won’t be able to keep any of this anymore eventually soon.