I can’t keep doing this. The thoughts repeat over and over and over again and they’re so loud I can’t take it anymore, I feel like it’s all pressing against my skull and I’m going to explode. I can’t. Literally can’t. I really just don’t want to, I have nothing to continue for. All I am is a fuck up anyway. I failed everyone and I’m worthless. The problem is me, all of its my fault. I’m a selfish no good piece of shit who deserves to rot and is a pile of rot. I genuinely would like to die so much, and yet I’m terrified. I’m pathetic. I wish we were still talking, partner and I. I miss her so fucking much I want to die. I can’t not think of her every minute of the day. In my little world in my head she’s always there. I don’t know what I did. Please, what did I do?? Please, please god just talk to me again… I can’t do it anymore. I feel constantly on edge. Constantly aggravated and on the verge of snapping to a point of no return. I want out I want out I want out I just want her to say something, anything. Everyone leaves. I fade into the abyss and out of everyone’s lives. It’s fine, it’s fine, I never deserved it anyway. How do I make the thoughts stop? Truly, is there any real way? Even a decrease in thoughts. Everything is way too loud, everything feels strange and uncomfortable on/in my skin. I’ve been feeling like this on and off all day. Started thinking about her too much. I wonder if she thinks of me. I wonder if anyone in this world thinks of me when I’m not in their vision. Why should they. Why should I. It’s my fault, I ruined everything. Confessing how I felt in the worst way possible, back then wanting to end it all, freaking everybody the fuck out. My mom’s depressed because of me. I’m a fucking failure. Maybe that’s why she stopped talking. I don’t know. I don’t know. Why was I so stupid, why am I still so stupid? How could anyone ever love me again? “How can I be angry when it’s all my fault” ^ exactly. How can I be upset when they leave or they don’t listen or they realize I’m just a loser who’s not worth the time when it’s true and it’s all my fault to begin with? How can I prove I love them all if I’m not willing to die for them? For my blood to seep into the soil and do something good for the world for once. It never fucking stops racing. Just to slow down for a moment, god please. Why do I never shut up. Why am I like this. What is wrong with me. I am very flawed. At least I know that. Knowing does nothing. I’m like a form of curse in this existence, both to others and to myself. I feel like I’m losing my mind, genuinely. I’m not fully sure what I’m going to do. I feel like it’s not in my control. I feel so disconnected from this world and from myself and then suddenly I realize I’m real again and I lose my mind. I feel sick. I’m stuck in the dark and isolation. I’m too scared to be around people, it kills me that I can’t be hugged or cuddled or even a pat on the shoulder. I’m so so sick of this. I hate myself and this body I’m stuck in. I nauseate myself. I wonder what she may have seen in me before she disappeared. For the second time now. I hate admitting it because I don’t want to hurt her in anyway but it really really does hurt when she did/does this I feel like she hates me and I don’t know what I did wrong and I love her so much it aches and I miss her just as much. We’re supposed to be able to see each other again. That’s why I held on all these worthless painful years, to see her once I moved up here…. yet nothing. Maybe I’m just stupid to think anyone, her most of all, could ever love something like me. Something so bland, something so not worth ones time. I use her voice in my head to tell myself to take care of myself or to coax myself into sleep when I’m terrified of all the noises because otherwise I won’t do any of it maybe I’m just pathetic and crazy. I feel like I could ramble on and on. Maybe I should just delete this account. I feel like an absolute idiot. I need this to stop. I need to stop myself. I don’t know how to make it go away so I just ramble here. On and on. I should be dead. I’m an embarrassment to society. I’m an embarrassment to my family. I can’t look at anyone in the eye. I never meant to hurt anybody. I’m just hurting so much and I’m always so fucking stupid. I feel like I’m a curse and I’m also living in a curse. I don’t want to live anymore. Let the earth consume me. Let me rot. All I ever was and all I ever will be and all I am is a clump of rotted weeds.