This is my first post, so I hope I’m doing this right. I’ve never been good at writing so this might be a little incoherent.
I know I will kill myself someday and I’m at peace with that. I just have to wait a few years till my friends either have left the country or have moved on.
My contact with friends is minimal I do not care for reaching out either. I feel incredibly selfish for taking my own life knowing it will hurt them.
My best friend/roomate has taken some distance because of my persistent pessimism. She’s not doing too great mentally either and I’m glad she finally is doing some self preservation being the people pleaser that she is.
I was going to write more but really don’t know where this was going there too much and too little to write about lol guess its really just about being able to share what you’re thinking. Sadly thoughts go too fast to write about.
Anyways I do wonder if anyone from the Netherlands is on suicide project. not entirety sure if I’m allowed to ask but am too curious.
3 comments
Hello and welcome. I’m sorry you’re in this position. Even though you are waiting for your friends to move on, I hope you get to a place where you feel cared about and are able to enjoy your time with them. I especially hope this is true for your best friend.
There’s no real wrong way to post here. It can be a poem, or a rant, or a stream of consciousness type thing. Some people even post pictures of art they are working on. So long as you do not harass or try to push your beliefs on anyone, it’s ok to say whatever.
I’m not sure how well the rules are enforced. I know they don’t want you sharing real names or try to meet up in the real world. Although I have seen people exchange contact info a couple of times.
Anyways I hope this helped and that you get better.
Welcome!
I’m curious why you feel like killing yourself? What motivates you to go down this path?
Hello! I don’t know that I have a lot constructive to add to your self destructive thoughts…. not that I’m critical of them, rather that if it weren’t for this next bit I wouldn’t be commenting, and I’m sorry not to offer some kind of comfort. I guess I’m waiting to die also, but mine is a multi decade draw down. Grim reaper is going to get to me eventually.
but the Netherlands thing caught my eye. I’m an American, and have never actually been to Europe, but I like a lot about 20 years ago- modern day Dutch and German media. Specifically, as an example, I like Vieze Jack. It occurs to me that maybe he’s a niche thing over there, over here he’s entirely unknown until I introduce him to people, then they’re like “seems like something you’d be into.” I’m a strange guy, at least in America.
but it seems like, and this is just outside looking in, it seems like Netherlands is a very interesting and positive place to be…. IDK, I have weird hobbies, last I checked most of the groundbreaking research on drainage management was coming out of Netherlands, and I have no interest of doing that in my current country, but somewhere it was actually treated as important, sounds nice.
but, I’m just so curious; isn’t there decent mental healthcare over there? how is that going? I’m such a nerd, back when I was in academia one of the best studies I ever read about hospice outcomes came out of the Netherlands. I was given the impression that health professionals over there really focus on public health, and that’s so different from here. Over here health professionals are all wrapped up in insurance, and the politics of who gets medical care, and my country’s health system is a huge national embarassment.
On the other hand, and feel free to stop at any point, I tend to natter on, there’s some liberation about being in a country in no way interested in me getting better. I just lean back into it these days, my attitude being “sorry, my state wanted to give tax breaks to rich people and apparently that was more important than me being capable of working.” It’s kind of Mad Max Fury Road, and damn if that wasn’t a fun movie, and it has upsides I can’t deny.
I mean, surface level there’s some interest in keeping me from dying, but it doesn’t go much further than that. Therapy every other week, and whatever meds medicare is willing to pay for. We’re really big on chemical solutions over here, and by solutions I mean keeping the suffering quiet so they can be ignored.
That’s actually it. Anyway welcome, this is a dark but remarkably friendly community that helps me immensely.