I am listening to some music. One of the few things I ‘enjoy.’
Some people can sing.
Others can draw/paint/etc.
So many ppl can do such amazing things.
Hell, so many random ppl on YT can do some amazing things.
WTF can I do? I’m not “amazing” at anything. I’m GOOD at A LOT of things but I’m not an expert at anything or have mastery of any single thing.
I’m “good” at things that aren’t exactly marketable in today’s society (and by marketable I don’t mean being good for a stupid 9-5 wage slave job). I’m good academically- in math, science, biotechnology, economics, finance, medicine, health, alternative health, psychology etc. But I am not an EXPERT at any one thing. I don’t feel like there’s anything I can market- that is make use of to help me in SOMETHING- idk what- but something other than a 9-5 wage slave job.
I wish I had some SKILLS- singing, drawing, etc but I’m just not artistic.
I can’t make things either. That includes baking, cooking, woodworking, etc.
I’m just a head that holds some knowledge. But in the age of computers, that isn’t worth shit.
I feel pretty useless. What difference would it make if I died tomorrow? Nothing. The world will go on as is. And no, I don’t have anyone IRL that would care. Hell, not even a pet (i’m allergic).
What is the point of merely *existing*? We who are depressed, are not “living.” We are merely existing, day to day to miserable day.
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It reminds me of a client I had, many years ago, severely autistic, but entirely self aware about how different it made him. I wish like hell I could remember what he finally figured out he could do that gave him pleasure.
but all skills are a matter of practice. The start always feels slow and frustrating. I’m mostly invested in process/logistics and writing, but I know enough about making stuff that I can start. I don’t aim to be an amazing talent in anything, just enough to impress me.
I was going to say in my other bit about coding, but anyone can code, especially if they have a good foundation of math. One of the things that keeps me in it is playing games that require me to drop to config files and command line. Entering values in either is almost the same as coding.
I guess my advice is to try things. Cooking is a really good one, because there’s somewhere to start for everyone. Even making hamburger helper or simple box meals will build up the fundamentals of measuring and assessing progress. Then there’s a step above that, three or four step meals, an example; spagetti with red sauce and hamburger is one of my favorites.
Recipe; brown hamburger meat and drain (same as step one for hamburger helper), boil water, add pasta bring back to boil then lower to a simmer and stir until soft, now sauce is as easy or complex as you like. I can make it from scratch, but most often I get a jar of premade sauce at the store, then I add a can of stewed tomatoes(though that’s optional, I like my sauce chunky). After you drain the pasta you can add the sauce cold because the noodles are hot enough to bring it all to temp, combine with the hamburger and there it is.
I get a lot of joy from cleaning too
i am talking about being good enough at something to make a living, to make money, not just for “enjoyment.” i absolutely hate cooking. i hate cleaning up even more. i know that’s just an example you gave but it isn’t about what brings me “joy.” Eating and watching movies give me “joy”- so to speak- but that shit ain’t gonna help me generate income either.
i hate coding- trust me if i could withstand programming, i would be doing it. it pays well. but there’s a reason why most ppl aren’t in programming, bc they either can’t do it or can’t stand it.
Ya same here, totally hate coding…did it for my science degree and it’s satisfying when you code it right, but makes you want to go ballistic when it doesn’t work and you don’t know what you did wrong.
Then having deadlines on your head…nope, but there’s also website tech support, still tough but easier than actual coding. Wish I liked software enough to work in that field…I know people doing it and making great money.
i don’t remember if it was Malcolm Gladwell, or some other economist that said in order to be really good at something, we have to have about ~10,000 hours of practice. Well, I’m “old.” I can’t start something “new” and wait to “get good” at it.
Most ppl who are really good at art, or music or ballet or whatever, started when they were very young. we’ve missed the age to “master” something. there’s very few things adults can start now and become “masters” at.
Indeed…it does take a lot of time to master something.
Likewise I’m just too old and not motivated to make a career change. I’d be willing to do a couple of courses if that gets my foot in the door for a higher paying job…but like you said we’re too old for change now.
Sorry to hear you feel down Eternal. We’re in a similar boat so I can relate to some of your posts.
You could always be a teacher as you have a broad knowledge…I’ve been told that I could be a great teacher also by family/friends but I really don’t care about dealing with students and the workload (I’ve done some tutoring).
Teachers actually work really hard with marking tests/essays and all the other issues they deal with…but the compensation is decent and it’s a good job. I’ve had great teachers who influenced who I became so I have a lot of respect for them.
As for talent, yes I’ve seen it…for most people I think it’s just in their DNA…I recall as a kid a female classmate had stunning handwriting skills…I write like chicken-scratch. I’m sure she’d easily excel at calligraphy if she wanted.
Same goes for drawing…some people can pick up nothing more than a paper and pencil and create art that could make you cry cause it’s so amazing.
I’m sure it’s the same for singing and so on…they just have the right vocal cords and you can’t just develop that natural talent, it’s a gift.
Ofc your health is also a hindrance to FT work.
I feel the same way…nobody would notice apart from family/friends if I was gone…I feel it was a largely wasted life.
For the moment I’m still somewhat optimistic and hopefully that I’ll achieve my goals but what eats at me as that I didn’t have this ‘awakening’ in my 20s (rather than so late in life)…at that age you think you’ll live forever and have time to goof around.
Had I been more serious I would’ve picked a different career to advance in and I’d probably be in a much better place in life right now.
I agree with you…surviving is not enough; this is not living a full life. If not for family keeping me here I probably would’ve off’d myself already.
I have enough savings for a vacation-one last ‘hurrah’ and give away my worldly possessions and then leave this place.
I knew my life would mostly suck from a very early age and I wasn’t wrong. Could’ve saved myself 40 years of misery if I ended my life as a kid.
The trouble is that we as a society haven’t reached an ‘enlightened age’ yet where we fully accept the need for euthanasia…so if I managed to ‘exit’ my family would’ve suffered a lot…it’s because I stayed, I was able to help them.
But nobody should be forced to live to save other people from ending up homeless, for example, or suffering in some other way.
If euthanasia/MAiD was fully available then we each would have our own life in our hands and then wouldn’t have to expect others to live for them.
For instance, my mother, whose health was failing over time, would know MAiD was always there for her if she needed it.
Unfortunately, we have religious lunacy polluting people’s minds and influencing very serious life choices, esp. on abortion and euthanasia…that is the reason it’s also not fully available to people.
She’s not the kind to opt for that option…ironically my dad would despite being a Christian, but he understands that we all die at some time, better to do it on our own terms.
Teacher? lol. First off, been there done that. Second, teachers get paid DIRT in the USA. AND they get treated like shit, not just by the shitty students who are getting shittier, ruder, and more disrespectful every decade, but by adminstrators/higher ups. if you want to be treated like shit day in and out, work miserable hours and have shit pay, then being a teacher in the USA is the way to go.
Ya true, it’s hell in the US for teachers…esp. the rotten inner city kids who abuse them.
Imo it’s a truly noble profession but bad/dumb kids will never appreciate it.
sigh, even something as “simple” as “handwriting”- i had beautiful handwriting once. after the car accident, i can’t write nice and neat anymore. can’t hold a pen and grip it properly to write slowly and nicely. hell, i can’t write more than a paragraph before my hand starts to hurt and get inflamed. and ppl who know me, like “family” and former “friends” have the GALL to tell me to just “stop being depressed” and “just think positive” when LITERALLY even my handwriting and walking and BREATHING are affected on a daily basis. No amount of “thinking happy thoughts” is going to fix any of this shit. And ppl wonder why I am so fucking angry and BITTER?
Sorry, not spewing this *at* you. I am just ANGRY AF at how ppl dismiss physical handicaps, especially not obvious visible ones. NO ONE would think to tell a paraplegic to “just think positive” but they ALL tell ME this shit. And the whole world wonders why I’m angry and bitter.
If ppl treated me like a HUMAN BEING, then most of my anger and resentment would dissipate. The car accident and all that followed sucks, but mainly it’s how ppl treat you and dismiss you as a human being that PISSES me TF off.
Sorry to hear…it seems the car accident put your life on a bad trajectory.
No I totally understand your frustration, I know you’re upset about your situation, same for me.
People are stupid in general, if they can’t see your injuries, they assume you’re ok. You can’t see “depression” and ‘mental illness’ so they cannot relate…so they blame you instead of what you’re suffering through. I know the feeling.
I’ve tried to make sure I don’t let my emotions control me but that isn’t always possible and it’s your reality…if life is good, one is happy, if it’s bad, one feels awful, it’s just a reflection of your true state.
Some people want to fool themselves but we should all aim for real happiness instead of pretending.
Unfortunately though the world generally doesn’t care…esp. the workplace, they need you to be there to produce.
My back got so bad at one point I was scared I’d end up in a wheelchair…even my doctor suggested a back-brace.
Fortunately I healed up and got better…but still if I don’t exercise it, it gets worse so that’s something I want to work on.
I’ve had arguments with family members who blame me for not moving faster in changing careers/upping income, they always forget the health problems I’ve had or they minimize it, even though they saw me stuck in a chair unable to stand and walk around for days.
Some people are just idiots…they only think and care about what happens to them and have no sympathy for others.
apparently all my problems are in my head, not the myriad of health issues that affect me LITERALLY on a DAILY basis. God this fucking planet and it’s ppl piss me off. Literally 99% of ppl I meet are like this. Very uncompassionate and victim-blaming. The ONLY way it’ll get to their heads is if THEY get chronically ill like me, only then will they understand, bc it would then affect THEM.
Ya totally…so many dumb people around and they don’t care or want to understand.
Speaking personally only, we all live our own lives the way we want to…so I’m not making any suggestions.
But if I get into some accident or get a diseases with no chance of recovery or it’d take years of painful therapy, that’d be it for me.
My life sucks bad enough right now and I’m fairly able-bodied. I couldn’t imagine deal with added health issues.
The back problem was bad enough for me to realize how horrible it is to be disabled and I’d never want to depend on others.
For now I’m ok but if I’m in a situation where I can’t feel independent and won’t recover let’s say in at 1 yr at the most, then I’d be done with life. It’s overrated.
anyhow, disability and health aside, even back when i was healthy- it’s fucking shitty and unfair how someone who is hard working and intelligent can’t make it in life. and now you add all these health issues- what am i supposed to do? i can’t even die- i’d have to fly overseas to get my poison. so i’m forced to slowly rot away, living every day in misery. suffering alone bc NO ONE in America cares or values anyone who isn’t working and making money.
So I know N is generally the ‘holy grail’ of our community…but it’s very hard to get a hold of.
But ofc it’s not the only way, there are others…that are just as effective (I hinted at it in the other thread).
Ofc we can’t discuss means, but you can find them on google. Some people also travel to other nations where Maid is available but you’d have to find out if they accept foreigners.
MAID is incredibly difficult to get. Anything that is lethal, effective, quick and painless, is incredibly difficult to get a hold of. Most ways are not guaranteed. Most ppl do other ways wrong, so they wind up living. Many ways involve doing it properly and most ppl don’t do it exactly right. Any me.thod you think is fatal, is not bc ppl fuck it up. Half the time it’s bc ppl are dumb but the other half of the time it’s actually really difficult to pull them off to a T.
Getting our hands on N or MAID is equally as likely as finding something you can do and “succeeding.” So might as well try to pull something off while we still have a few years left to do so. N/MAID will be there in our 60s. Opportunities to improve our life/health won’t. Unfortunately for us, time is running out. We have only a few years left to try the impossible.
Yes even with Maid, I’ve read that (at least in Canada), they haven’t exactly ‘perfected’ it. Sometimes it takes up to 24 hrs for people to D.
Also the govt is facing similar difficulties in finding the meds needed for Maid to be safe, quick, reliable and painless.
I’ve heard they’ve successfully used N2 euthanasia on animals for food and there are anecdotal stories of people dy,ing from it.
There’s also just the b.ag over the head…and hundreds have apparently used it with success in my province ON.
I do agree with you, this is not something to take lightly. My biggest fear is to attempt and survive and you could be effed up 10 times worse than before…esp if you get brain damage.
Though I think I’d probably trust the docs doing Maid than rely on myself, unless I needed to do it real quick and had few options.
You are right though. I’ve also given myself till my 60s to sort my life out, because for the past few decades I’ve just been floating along…and that’s really not good enough for me. I don’t want to survive, I want to thrive….so hopefully I’ll be able to pull off a miracle in the next few years, get my life in a better position.
If it goes well, then I won’t worry about D until my body starts failing…if after struggling for the next 5-10 yrs and I’m in the same level as I am today, then I will seriously end it, because as you get older, life just gets worse and worse.
You lose friends/family, get older, people want you even less and so forth. At that point you’re only living for yourself, whatever you like about life…but if life sucks, then it’s no point to go on.
I wish us both good luck and hopefully we’ll be in a better place by then.
chronic illness is like frog in a boiling pot. you think it’s not so bad in the beginning, but the temp keeps getting higher and higher…but there’s no other pot to jump into, you have no choice but to stay in that slowly boiling water. what else can you do but D? and even that isn’t easy- not if you don’t want to suffer, feel pain, have it be instantaneous, and be 100% effective.
Indeed…it’s a tough situation to be in and sadly modern medicine still hasn’t advanced enough to make us ‘whole’ again.
I’ve heard of “exciting news” (as they always say) about new developments, but then it always takes 5-10 years, sometimes even longer for a treatment to come out.
I’d love to have my back cured…get some of the hair I lost back and heal other areas of my body, but I doubt it’ll happen in my lifetime.
But at least future generations will not have to go through the hell that we did.
modern medicine’s goal is not to make us “whole.” their goal is strictly profits, and the most profit they make is keeping us alive but sick and relying on them for care.
oh i’m sure future generations of poor ppl will still suffer immeasurably. the rich will see to that. it’s like saying the ppl in the 1800s won’t have to suffer like the ppl in the 1700s did. well, they may not have the exact same problems, but the poor will always be fucked and will always have shit lives, be it 1800s or 1900s or 2000s. or 2050.
Sadly true Eternal.
There’s big money to be made off people’s suffering…so it’s unlikely they’ll cure anything.
I read up on Maid recently and while it was supposed to be legalized for people with mental illnesses in 2024, now there are people trying to cancel it.
What I can’t also believe is how the vast majority of the population opposes Maid…esp. politicians.
Total insanity. Here we have a good, safe means of allowing people to leave a bad life, but you have the arrogan b*stards who are problem rich or upper middle-class telling us we can’t because it goes against their own personal morals.
So people have to keep dying a slow painful death being homeless or going insane from their suffering from mental illness to appease some scumbags who are likely a happy, comfortable life.
You’d think this would be a no-brainer, but if anything I’ve seen in this world is that stupidity is the norm, even among the so called ‘educated’ people.
It’s no skin off their nose if one of us decides to end our lives, but no, they can’t have people being freed from suffering…anything but that.
Excuse the typos, I typed fast and didn’t proof-read:
-arrogant…
-probably (not problem)
-likely living a happy life….
Modern medicines goal is to make a whole lot of money. It is pathetic at treating chronic issues. I did find traditional helps for my own chronic issues. No modern treatments could do anything except make matters far worse and waste money.
True a1957, glad you were able to find some help though.
and this is the reason why i am as sick as i am now. the car accident sure did damage, but i received FAR MORE damage from all the drs i saw afterwards. FAR MORE. i would be a whole person if i saw none of those assholes and idiots.
There are just far too many victims like yourself.
I have avoided western medicine almost entirely for about 41 years. No regrets. Western medicine is pretty good with trauma but after that it is often more harm than good. I have my traditional helps and various really old school painless ways of dealing with stuff. It’s too complicated to express in full but want to say it works.
i wish i knew this back in 2014. i trusted drs and medical professionals back then- what a fool i was! didn’t realize the WHOLE fucking industry is 1 big scam after another after another. THEY were the ones that made me as sick as I am now. Not even bc of the car accident. Fucking greedy assholes. Plus incompetent arrogant drs.