I hate being alone

I realize that maybe other suicide hotlines are different than the one I use. How it works for me is that if I try to call any national number, it redirects to my local one. So since my attempts to escape this city have been as futile as my attempts to leave this life, I can only know second hand from others what it is like not to be here.

I get the feeling we have an above average amount of suicidal people around here. Do they put suicide hotlines on billboards anywhere else?

Anyway, long road to say what I was going to say; the suicide hotline that I deal with very much does not want to check me in anywhere. I know it, because I’ve tinkered with them multiple times. No matter how awful what I say is, if at the end I can promise to be safe, and to call back if I feel like I won’t be safe, I’m free to go. Granted, I’m in treatment, so that might grant some kind of immunity.

You can lie to them too. Last I called they asked if I had lethal means. Well my education is in mental illness. I’ll ALWAYS have means…. absent being locked up. But it’s a formula, they ask, I say no, they let me go.

I remember back when I had followers I wanted to protect the view of me that they had. I suppose I still had them, if I got loud enough online some of them would come back out of the woodwork. I just….. stopped. It wasn’t doing anything for me.

Anyway there’s always on here, if you need to vent, or really talk about anything. We’re a pretty open bunch, apart from our mutual lack of identifying features. I find it excessively liberating being the non entity I’m allowed to be here, I’m not nearly as nice of a person outside of here. I couldn’t get away with it, real world requires a certain amount of jerkishness and insensitivity to avoid being mowed down by people, even people you might think are friends.

so I second the you can’t trust anyone. You can’t, not for any motivation other than their own. If they say they want what’s “best for you” that’s within the context of what they are willing to do. That’s people for you. The only thing that’ll love you with very little reserve is a dog. Mine’s asleep at my feet. I sprayed him down with bitter yuck earlier because I’m sick of him licking himself all the time, and he almost instantly forgave me. Dogs are great. I mean he loves licking himself, I deny him his greatest joy and he just forgives that? good luck getting that kind of unconditional acceptance from a human being.