just stuck in my head

I have the feeling of being stuck, being in the middle of some dark and bleak body of water, knowing if I slip just once I’ll sink to my death. Cold and tired, stranded at sea. I’m tired of it all, I’m tired of hurting. Lately my sleep has been terrible, even with sleep medicine. I just can’t, I guess. Everything is so overwhelming, it keeps me up.

Sometimes I’m not sure I can take myself seriously. As in, maybe it’s not as bad as I’m making it out to be, on here, in my head. That I’m just being dramatic, b.itching over nothing. I see everyone else here, suffering too, mostly with much worse things, people who have already actually attempted, etc. I feel bad because maybe in some way I’m taking advantage of this place, further cementing myself as a shitty person.. All I ever do is b.itch on here and everywhere else. I’m essentially useless.

Today was particularly bleak, from the minute I woke up. I just didn’t want to be. Parents were aggravating each other all day, one getting more and more pissed by the minute over nothing, the other taking nothing seriously per usual acting like a damn child. It aggravates me, a lot, it’s all stupid. But I think I’m just getting very bitter, I’m not sure why I’ve been so annoyed and frustrated with everything lately, but I noticed an increase in it.

My best friend wants to move out of state for awhile, they’re not sure on it yet, but they want to. I understand they’ll more than likely be much happier if they does, and their happiness obviously comes first in my mind, but I will be very sad if they decide to go. According to them, it’d just be for a few months, but it’s just hard for me to see that happening. Not to mention, they’ll get busy, they’ll drift away… and I’ll have no friends here with me. It always seems to happen. Part of me feels like I should just prepare for it now. It just makes me sad, especially the circumstances in which is making them think about leaving for awhile. Good job, parents, you over controlling dickheads.

I just can’t stand this world anymore. I don’t ever hear anything good about it. Obviously, there are some good people, I’m not denying that, but as a whole there’s not anything worth holding on to. Lots of people are just entitled dicks, or simply hateful and close minded. People in power don’t give a shit about anything or anyone, anyone screaming for help are crying at voids. Dystopian shit, half of it seems. I had a religious upbringing, and they have nothing good to say either. Only how worthless and horrible a person is (I mean… thanks? Tell me something I don’t know?) That, and how close the world is to ending. When I was a kid, they would scare me with those stories of the end times to make me behave, to just to instill some more fear and paranoia into me. Some of that paranoia has come back, again, just hearing all sorts of things everywhere. I don’t have any social medias other than here, but shit still leaks out, I guess it doesn’t help that almost all of yt is commentary on these situations. I can’t take it. It scares me shitless. I know it’s stupid. I know I’m just a moron at the end of it.

I never. stop. feeling. like. this. And it drives me insane and drains me of all of my energy. I’m just hurting nearly all the time, just living and trying to numb it as much as I can. I just to scream and punch the shit out of something, or just cry my eyes out, but I can do neither. I have no way of relief from any of it. I want to die, but I’m still too much of a b.itch to do anything, so I waste my space here. I’m a waste of atoms, a waste of breath in this world. I’m just contributing to its shittiness in one way or another, no matter how hard I try to do the opposite. Always trying, never doing, ahahaha.

Cold, and tired, stranded at sea on a paper raft.

Everyone else found better boats, even the one who I never thought would leave. Boy, am I a fucking moron or what? Thinking she’d stay, thinking she wouldn’t go silent once more. I still wait, just in case. I’m glad I’m not the only one who always has that significant person on their mind on this site. It makes me feel like maybe I’m not crazy or obsessive or creepy or something. I feel quite a few things about that topic right now. Things I’m not sure is okay or isn’t me being a bitter selfish prick. I still love her, I’d die for her if that’s what she so wanted of me. I guess everyone has their thing they have to work on themselves for themselves or the people they care for. It still stings significantly, and she shows up in a lot more dreams than she has in a very long time, which is very, very bittersweet for me.

Old new, I guess. I’m just a worthless pile of rot at the core and all my sorry ass does is b.itch in the void, complaining. Knowing full well there’s worse struggles out there, and I’m just a bitter selfish prick. All in all, right now I’m just really hurting inside. Like being stabbed over and over and over, all over your mind and soul. A lot of the time I feel like I don’t belong here, much like everywhere else, but I also remember how I found this site… so, I guess there’s that. Sorry to the poor soul who may have read this entire rambling of nothing. Everything just hurts so much everywhere. Just hurts.