obsession

I wrote a thoughtful and nuanced bit explaining about my struggle with obsession and anhedonia, pressed publish and bang, the whole thing was gone.

so this is the quick and dirty version. Yes, I see the irony of when I write about that my memory and attention are things I struggle with being followed by the entire piece being deleted and me feeling all the more isolated. Touche internet, quite a picante indictment of my illness and issues proceeding from it.

[presses save draft, the only way to be certain that what you just typed isn’t going into the trash when you click to publish]

FYI, save draft also reloads the page, so equal chances you wipe your work that way, which is why you’re supposed to press it often. {presses it again, because I won’t be able to say that as well a second time EITHER}

had to go through the ordeal of treatment plan review yesterday, in which I answer the same questions I answered 6 months ago, and 6 months before that, and on and on back to this time 2018. One of the questions I now find comical “Do you see or hear things that only you can see or hear?” what, like my prior post?! thank you, this has been my sarcastic bit about tech and ongoing mental health treatment.

so I am trying to disengage from one of the few things to give me pleasure, because it feels like it’s close to losing what pleasure that has left, and instead I’m getting nothing done, because enjoyment is the only reward I have left to motivate myself, and modern life means I have to take it away almost as soon as I discover it.

I’m tired and frustrated. Trying to make healthy choices, but they don’t even feel healthy. Just an ongoing rhythym to the melody of hopelessness that dominates my experience.