The world is a mess and so am I

It’s been a while for me here. I always somehow find myself here again. I don’t think I am actively suicidal anymore, but I never am happy or ok either. I graduated from uni earlier this year and life feels even more empty. I thought to myself, trying to console it, that I do have a chance now. I have good friends, enough creativity, some sort of motive and means to get out of this shithole and find a life. But the world isn’t good enough. even if i decide to live, actually live, the world isn’t worth living in. It’s all a game to some people. the life we fellow little people try so hard to keep is literally worthless to those who rule the world. I wish I was blind to the horrors, I wish I sought a normal life that fits with the status quo where I live, but i dont. the life i am seeking isn’t anything grand at ALL but it seems so impossible, or at the very least, insanely hard to achieve. I knew the world was corrupt from a very young age. I saw horrible massacres happen in my homeland and always felt less of a human. the saddest thing is that i believed that that would change someday. I thought maybe perhaps one day, if i proved myself worthy of being a human or something, if i spoke and got educated enough, maybe then the world would treat me better. i keep being reminded that it wouldn’t, and my god is it so insanely hard to keep on living like that. it is so insanely hard to even get out of bed. i feel guilty wanting to die when people are dying like that.
Life never felt like it’s on my side you know.. I am in a racist country so jobs are gonna be tough. If i want to leave the country I can’t get a visa anywhere anyways. i can’t even love cuz I am gay. if i want to continue masters, which i do, im gonna have to work 300 times more to prove that i deserve a place somewhere abroad because well i cant pay out of pocket for that shit. i dont even have a homeland for fucks sake, like literally earth itself rejected me.
what hurts most is that all this was never new info to me. I Always knew that life is against me, I dont know why i fought in the first place.