So, my GF is in rehab for alcohol, she’s doing well, but I miss the hell out of her. I’m not okay mentally but physically I’m holding myself together so she doesn’t get concerned. I’m doing my best not to say things like, “I miss you” because I’d don’t want her to leave there before she’s ready for me, and she’s the kind of person that would. I did say it once and I started crying. I’m trying to be supportive but I can’t even begin on the whole story of how hypocritical I feel.
I’m scared that when she gets out she will have figured out I’m not someone she wants to be with and I’m terrified. I don’t think I’ve done anything to make her feel that way but I still think it could happen. So my brain is trying to convince me I don’t need her, logically I don’t, but I want her. I’m trying to convince myself not to be dramatic. Is it a normal thing for people fresh out of rehab to end relationships? Help ?
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It ultimately comes down to whether your relationship helps or hinders her recovery. That’s the only way I can see her coming out wanting to cut ties. You say she’s in for alcohol? Did you drink together? Is that something you can stop? Do you need help stopping? You’re going to need a different support system if so, but it can be done.
But….. she needs to get healthy, I’m not seeing anything here suggesting you don’t think so. It’s hard when someone close to you is going through this, but the alternative is worse. It’s not something anyone can compete with, addiction. People tell themselves they can, that the person will choose them…… outside of recovery that’s a fantasy.
You might have to challenge and change yourself to keep it together, but if you are successful you’ll have an amazing bond with her.
I think there are recovery groups for families of addicts? I haven’t had the need (so far anyway).
I will warn that 12 step groups are more than a little cultish, and at the same time for a lot of people they are the only tool that works. Is there such a thing as a positive cult that doesn’t pull everyone deeper and isolate them? because that’s what I’m trying to imply…..
all cards on the table, I flunked out of 12 step, and out of becoming a successful addiction treatment expert. There’s a weird kind of resentment in that community for people without addictions providing treatment. I’ve seen addiction up close, and so far nothing in the world would push me there.
I’m self destructive as heck, but addiction hurts others and isolates one further… never had it in me to willingly lose more than the world already took.
We have had a drink together at a restaurant but that’s it. We haven’t really drank together otherwise. I think I’m overly worried because I know that I’m also on the verge of being an alcoholic the last few months but she does not know that. I want to stop for her now but it’s also the way I’m coping with myself right now and keeping up on chores: I am very productive when I drink at home alone. I think I feel unworthy and I’m hoping she doesn’t see it that way.
i don’t think 12 steps really helps most alcoholics. just like how mental hospitals don’t really help ppl who are depressed/suicidal, etc. if 12 steps worked for most ppl, you wouldn’t see so many ppl go in and out of rehab a billion times, only to wind up back in. just like if mental hospitals were good, or if most therapists were good, or suicide hotlines were good, then we wouldn’t have ppl killing themselves after talking to therapists, drs, or suicide hotlines.
12 steps program, from an outside observer, looks like doo-doo. like heartless says, it feels cultish. 12 steps was founded on religious principles, so if you’re not religious, then the 12 steps wouldn’t work well.
addiction specialists state the effectiveness rate as 8-12%, while studies show it’s more like 5%. that’s just based on worldwide facts.
anyway, that’s not to deter or depress you. just be forewarned that rehab and 12 steps are not very effective in the long run.
i wish you and your gf well. just don’t be too shocked or too hard on her if rehab and 12 steps or AA don’t work. Also, you hope she doesn’t meet anyone inside those programs and they start using together like they often do. all this isn’t meant to depress you. (sorry). i do hope she quits and your relationship goes well.
It’s not her first time in rehab so all of this rings true. At least I don’t see her finding a drinking buddy since she didn’t go in locally but about an hour away.
I should also note that we don’t live together. We set that boundary early on but now I’m not sure she didn’t want to live separately due to her drinking, I have my own reasons, I just need to be me sometimes and I can’t seem to do that when other people are around.
Maybe telling her would actually help the relationship, if she knew just how much you care about her. And if you’re struggling with alcohol too, she might feel less alone about it if you’re also struggling, and knowing that she isn’t the only “fuck up.”
idk what your relationship is like, and i wouldn’t want to give bad advice. but in general, girls like knowing the guy cares a lot for her and girls like knowing they are not alone in things. but just my 2c. you decide how you want to best approach. remember, girls think different than guys. how you think isn’t how she thinks. but i’m also not an alcoholic so take my advice with a grain of salt.
I’m also a girl. XP
I’ve thought about telling her, instead I keep telling myself I will stop. She already knows about the self harm and the weed so I’m trying not to be a complete disaster. I don’t feel worthy of her on a good day, and she’s off trying to be a better person while I’m just trying to survive.
oh lol. there’s way more guys on this site than girls so i assumed you were one lol. maybe she feels more like the messed up one bc she ‘needs’ to go to rehab vs you haven’t. idk… for me personally, there were SO many things that i bottled up and didn’t tell my ex how i felt. it still eats me up to this day, the regret of not telling him i felt about things, and yeah, at the time i “couldn’t” either. i didn’t want him to see how much of a mess i was so i kept everything inside. >.< but that's me.
how long is she in rehab for? do you know when she’s getting out?
Not exactly, she’s been there about ten days now, it’s a fourteen day program but you could be there more or less than that depending on insurance and progress.
You could be right, maybe she feels like the fuck up but I’ve also been open that I haven’t sought help for anything due to lack of insurance. I just want to be good enough and not lose her because she is an amazing person.