Before the wall cracked, I made decisions like Dr. Spock- I was very analytical and logical- and made decisions that made the most sense. Like for ex, which University to go to given my lack of money, lack of parental support of any kind, and What I should major in, and etc. It turned out that all decisions made were all “bad” decisions in the end- not “bad” as in I stupidly did stupid things, but “zigged” instead of “zagged”- albeit most were unbeknownst to me that it would turn out bad.
It made sense to major in Finance/Business, even though my heart was in science. But I couldn’t afford to go to the private school I wanted- OFC I got in- my grades were good- but I was not given much financial aid. I didn’t think it would be wise to have so much debt, especially since I do not have parents who would help and I needed a job and a place to live as soon as I graduated. So I gave up my dream of going to the school I wanted to study the field I wanted- even though I knew it was a new hot field that was going to explode. And explode it did, only I was not in that burgeoning field.
Why? Bc I had made the “sensible” decision to go in Finance/Business, and then as “luck” would have it, 9-11 happened, literally THREE months before I graduated. Graduating into a recession equals $1M LESS income over one’s lifetime. So lucky me. And ALL the finance jobs and offers fucking disappeared overnight, or were rescinded. The FEW offers that were available paid shit.
Anyhow, through sheer determination, I finally found a job in finance in a prestigious place. BUT it turned out it would suck my soul out. I HATED the ppl in that field. Backstabbing cretins. I fit in better with nerdy bookworms, which would have been the field I wanted to go in. OH and yes, that field DID explode (genetic engineering), and I would have been worth SO much had I gone- ESP since I was minority and female in STEM who happened to be also very smart academically. And no, things like “affirmative action” FUCKED me over. It’s a shitty fucking program that helps only 1-2 races at the expense of EVERY other race, and promotes skin color rather than intelligence or academic ability or the best qualified person to be given the spot. Do you want a dr who was admitted bc s/he is the “right color” vs the most qualified person?
Anyhow, rant aside, I chose the logical route of going to a State University instead of the expensive private university bc of $$$. It made more logical sense. But it also meant I couldn’t major in genetic engineering. And changed the trajectory of my career and life.
Long-winded example, I know, but it was all these “logical” decisions I made that just didn’t pan out. Didn’t work out at all. Would have been better if I was one of those passion-driven artist types that just go with what they “feel” and “want to do.” Then I would have pursued the field I wanted, gone to the Uni I wanted, and massive student debt be damned. But I would have had a good, high-paying career in that field. And I was GOOD at that shit too. And it was certainly more exciting to me than soul-sucking finance (didn’t know it would be soul-sucking until AFTER I graduated and started working).
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Anyhow, fast forward to the last decade- I still made decisions that were logical and made the most sense, but bc I now am a very emotional person, my decisions have been less Dr. Spock-ish and more like a “normal” person I guess. But it seems all the choices I’ve made the past decade apparently have all been bad too. Too long to give an example. But basically I am wondering if I am even CAPABLE of making the “right” decisions that make my life better instead of worse.
OR- is it that I AM Capable, but it is the Universe and how life throws you curve balls or throws you shit in the proverbial fan time and time again.
I just don’t know anymore. I feel like no matter what I do, I’ll be miserable, alone, poor, depressed, and fucked up.
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Not that I want to engage in alcohol/drugs/hang around bad ppl, etc, but the ppl who fuck up their lives bc of stuff like that CAN turn their lives around once they decide to not do stupid shit. But in MY case- what’s my “excuse”? HOW can I make good decisions that ACTUALLY turn out good?
Idk anymore. I don’t trust myself to make the “right” decisions, nor do I trust the Universe NOT to throw anymore shit at me.
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Wow, a lot of this sounds familiar. I too have tried to make the “correct” and “sensible” decisions. Not as sensible as yours, but I lack business acumen and always have. I really wanted to be a history, english or philosophy major, but it was nailed into me hard that those were not profitable careers, too competitive. Heck, I really wanted to be a stage actor, again, too competitive.
but with the data I have now, were they so difficult? Trying to settle for competency in an “in demand” discipline hasn’t worked out that much better for me. My first attempt to settle was in sales, because I can be quite persuasive given proper motivation… ran headlong into recession and divorce.
So my next attempt to settle was studying psychology. Applied philosophy, seemed like a sure thing, nearly recessionproof and always in demand. What happened that first time was more complicated, but that blew up on me too.
Then I retreated into a purely physical job, but again, even that couldn’t hold. And after that breakdown, I wasn’t the same.
I eventually managed to go back to school and finish my degree, with honors and for the first time it seemed like I was living up to my potential. Then reached the end of undergrad, didn’t make it into the grad I could afford, and graduated into the middle of a pandemic.
and failed at the only job left I was qualified for in psych, social worker. Since then I’ve tried to fall back on my only other marketable skills; technical ability, what I had been taught from birth was a highly marketable skill…. so much for that, I don’t have the experience, and for the most part I despise the IT industry. The product I’m fine with, it’s the organizational structure I can’t make work.
and I don’t know the way forward. New therapist says I need to work on my physical and emotional health before I take on anything again, and so that’s what I’m trying to do. It feels like a trap. Because I’ve come back from darker than this, pumped myself up full of optimism and hope, it doesn’t work anymore.
so that’s where I am, fully capable of pulling myself back up, lacking the ability to convince myself, lacking hope, lacking any trust that this time will be any different than the last few.
and I’m honestly too tired to feel anything about it most of the time. When I get the energy, I get extremely suicidal. so…. tired is the lesser evil, at least in terms of outcomes that the people around me want.