After decades of misery upon misery- just what CHANCE is there that “things will get better”? That suddenly, that I will finally have a good partner, have a few real good friends, have money/not have to worry about money anymore, and my health improves?
I don’t belong in this world. The ppl who thrive in THIS shitty world are:
1- ppl who are born well off- If you weren’t born into money (and by that I mean at least to middle class parents, which btw, HALF the population are NOT) you are pretty much screwed, unless you manage to beat the odds and get lucky.
2- ppl who are born to GOOD parents- yeah well I was screwed out of that BIG time.
3- ppl who are selfish/don’t care about others/have little emotions for others
4- ppl who use and manipulate others for gain.
This world rewards assholes and bitches. The good ppl either get screwed or used. The ppl who genuinely care about others are few and far in between. The rest just pretend to care. Hell, in some ways, I respect those who are flat out shitty and show it and DON’T pretend they are wonderful when they are not. At least those ppl are real- they may be shitty ppl but they’re not pretending and they’re not out fooling everyone.
Anyway, I was unlucky enough to be born to shitty abusive parents, to poverty. My heart has grown bitter and cold. That’s a natural evolution to being surrounded by assholes and wolves who use and manipulate your good nature. But now bc my heart has grown bitter to this world, it’s impossible to find friends or SO when no one wants to be around a “Negative Nancy.” Even though realistically, that’s what life is- shitty and unfair and horrible to those not born into the “right” circumstances.
Anyway, I’m tired of being a human in this shitty ass world. -_-
There is no “beauty.” What “beauty” is there for those that either have no time or money to enjoy what “beauty” this world has left?
There is always that small chance, that small hope that SOMETHING might change for the better- but the odds are unlikely.
I just wanted a decent, happy life. I’m not asking to be born a Princess or anything. Just a good, happy life. That’s it. That’s all I ever wanted. Apparently that was asking for too damn much…
16 comments
Our situations are similar Eternal and agree with most of what you said. However I’d argue that while sometimes bad people get away with things and get ahead in life, it isn’t always the case…think of criminals and other evil people, they eventually get in trouble.
Also I consider myself a good person also and while I’ve helped others and then been insulted by the same people I helped, actually some good people have been good to me in return…sometimes nice things fell in my lap and I never asked for it or went looking for it.
So I think in general (not always) nice guys/girls are better off than those who aren’t nice. Additionally good people usually attract other good people…so it’s best to stay a moral/kind person but also to be careful that you don’t get used/abused either.
But ya same here-short end of the stick, busted my azz off to get a good education/career, didn’t work out as I hoped. I was also obsessed with dumb things when I was young and had the potential to make a great career…I wish I had been more money focused when I was in my early 20s.
My dad was an azz and his dad was even worse to him…so he basically taught me to fend for myself as much as possible and not to rely on others.
I was pushed into working at the age of 16 yrs old…while I hated working (since I used to hang out with my friends), at least I earned money and never had to get an allowance.
I should’ve realized there and then that my goal should’ve been to focus on making a lot of money through working smarter than harder. But I was always looking for shortcuts and I thought with my intelligence I should be able to beat the odds.
But you always need 2 tracks going, the first is your main source of income…that should maximize what you can make, and only after you’ve set up a decent gig, only then should you consider another source of income that could be more lucrative though higher risk.
In my case I was always trying to just ‘get by’ so I’d take a crappy low-paying job with the hopes that my other projects would pay off.
But the trouble with such jobs is that they put you in a lower-class life…and the problems in that lower level can be all-consuming, they can derail all your other plans.
It’s happening to me right now…but life has thrown us a nasty curve-ball, because rents have skyrocketed but people who rent to others remain azzholes that cause problems for you.
So I’ve been forced to put my other goals on hold because my current situation demands more attention than it should and I barely get enough sleep where I live. I’m hoping to move to a condo or townhouse in the coming year so I can have peace and quiet and no meddling from scumbags who I’d never normally associate with.
God I wish I could go back to 17 or 18 yrs old…with the knowledge I have now, I would be rich asf…little did I know how many ways there would be of making a shiit-ton of money…esp off the dot-com boom and bitcoin.
Then when you’re financially set up, the world is your oyster as they say. I could live my dream life, travel, date all kinds of great girls, start businesses that interest me and so on.
I should add I got a great tip about doing a finance program, but I was so burnt out after HS and university I was repelled by the idea of studying again…however my brother-in-law who was educated but not working, ran with the idea and it allowed him to eventually make 6 figures and get into high positions in banking.
Meanwhile I was getting nowhere in my search to work in my field…I should’ve just bit the bullet and got the same education he did, it started off paying well too.
Close friends at the time tried to get me into computers, but the commitment (for studying) was too long, and that was a smart decision not to get into it…plus I really don’t enjoy programming.
Though I could’ve settled into some IT tech support job and while it’s not glamorous or very high paying, it would’ve been better than most jobs out there and would pay much better than my current job.
I’ve read some of your other posts and I concur that having an SO would definitely change the trajectory of your life. Assuming you have a good partner who is supportive of your goals, it can really motivate you to work harder, even smarter…because you feel you have a shared future together.
I have no doubt if I managed to marry any of the great girls I knew in my past, then I think I wouldn’t have allowed myself to waste so many years waffling around.
I’d be thinking of my spouse and potentially a family so I’d be aiming for job-hopping like my friends did until I was making around 6 figures or more and with my education I probably would’ve achieved that.
Now however I’m over the fkg hill…getting older, losing my once youthful appearance…experiencing more health issues and still haven’t really reached the plateau I hoped to by at by this time.
Then you ask yourself if any of it is even worth it? I’m hoping in the next couple of years I can elevate my career…but I don’t have much time left.
As for your other post about making bad decisions or is life just against you, I think it’s a bit of both…I’ve experienced similar issues. Sometimes I’ve made stupid choices…sometimes life just effed me over.
And yes it hurts to see jerkoffs who parties their way through school/university, suddenly have great careers and great lives….but like you said, half the people succeed the other half struggle to get by…so they’re just in that ‘lucky/fortunate’ half.
I had hoped eventually I’d get there….no doubt I’d be faced with other problems too, but if you have your own house and a fairly good career, then there’s little that can ruin your life except bad health and loneliness…but otherwise you’d be fairly happy.
Like you that’s all I ever asked for….it would be nice to get rich, but I would’ve definitely been ok ending up ‘middle-class’ but sadly that never happened and I’m still trying to get there.
Those people who end their lives after failing at love have it right in a way…why go on if you could’ve had your dream girl/guy and settle for anything less? It’s hard enough finding one great person you connect with…it’s even harder for that to happen again and again.
It’s sort of like getting rich, living the high life for a bit, then losing it all on bad financial decisions…how could one keep living after (in mediocrity/poverty) when you’ve had it so good? Some people have ended themselves in such circumstances.
Ugh life is so bittersweet…I’ve had my share of good times and happiness, but also had my lows and awful experiences too. But it’s my family that’s kept me going…I couldn’t just abandon them and let them suffer without me to help them out.
But ya if not for them, I don’t think I’d keep going…it’d be nice to find a great girl again but doesn’t seem worth it with all the hell I’m living through now and trying to improve my life.
Sorry for the long posts…I try to keep them short, but always end up thinking of other things to add.
I had a 2nd part, it’s still sitting in moderation…hopefully it’ll get approved soon.
that’s the problem- we all have different experiences. and in MY experiences, being nice has done NOTHING but cause ppl to use and manipulate my good nature. after DECADES of that, i eventually turned angry and bitter, and obviously that’s not good either bc ppl don’t want to be around someone angry and bitter. so maybe there’s a delicate balance but i’m now on the misanthrope side. and it’s not a choice really how i view the world- it’s like depression- you can’t really fake think your way out of it, if you really feel one way. like i know there exists a few % of good ppl, but they’re not in my life or near me in any way, so they might as well not exist. and in terms of meeting ppl, well i’ve tried, on and off for years. and no long-term friendships have panned out from it, so i gave up socializing.
also- it feels like the more ppl i encounter, the more likely that i run into users and manipulators. and the best way to protect myself is just to hermit away. obviously that’s not optimal, but the evil sharks smell blood in the water when they encounter me, maybe they sense i am weak and vulnerable, and these are the most insidious ppl and hard to protect yourself from, bc they are so good at pretending and manipulating, so you don’t see it coming. these are the ppl who always say the right things and do the right things, and they keep that mask up 24-7, so it’s hard to tell. i mean, i can sniff out SOME, hell, maybe A LOT. but inevitably, some evil ass gets through. and each shitty person that gets through makes me hate humans more and more.
and not only that. the “good” ppl i know, who used to be super great ppl- they’ve had life shit on the and so THEY have turned selfish and crappy too. they may not be “evil” but they’re no longer good. and i’ve had to let long term friendships go bc of that. like i can see the change in them. they used to be so nice and giving to being so selfish and crappy.
maybe i’ve changed into that as well. i mean, i mostly just hermit now. i don’t see the point of interacting with ppl if 99% of all interactions lead to nowhere good. i know, it’s like the lottery- if you odn’t play, you can’t “win.”
Ya that’s unfortunate to be constantly around people who are evil, deceptive, manipulative…so I can’t blame you. Perhaps in that environment it forces decent people to become more defensive and also angry with those around them.
I guess I’m lucky being in Canada, most people are fairly positive…but ya there are some places that are worse than others. Like my last job, many of the people there were the way you described…my coworker friend even called it a ‘den of vipers’ he was totally right.
However the recent company I work for is so much better….even if people are putting on an act, most are pretty helpful/supportive and decent. I have met one or two rotten apples that pissed me off…but fortunately they weren’t in a position of power over me.
Also the thing is that even bad people learn how to act nice to get what they want…it’s too bad people think they need to act this way, but that’s the kind of world we live in.
I don’t like to badmouth family members, but sometimes there are lessons to be learned from the bad ones…one of my sisters thinks she needs to manipulate people to get benefits from them…I’d bend over backwards for my family because I care for them, even if I have issues with them. I don’t need to be manipulated, I help because I want to.
But I realized the fact is that she has hated us-her family-for a long time and has tried to get away from us. However realizing she needed our help from time to time, she’d put on an act to get what she wants, then treat us like trash after her life was better again.
Eventually ofc we caught on and she’s just made an enemy out of everyone. Oh and god help you if you’re in trouble or ever needed help from her, including advice/support, she’s the type to kick you when you’re down. I suspect she’s going to end up a lonely person-I’m sure her kids will probably abandon her or maybe help out of pity…she is something of a sociopath, probably got it from my dad (it’s genetic).
Fortunately my dad wasn’t 100% evil, probably 80-90% and 10% decent…he was a self-serving b*stard but occasionally would help out. He used to buy me a birthday or xmas gift as a kid, let me play with it for a few days and then either return it (cause he “had no money”) or regift it to his friends kids.
When I got older (early 20s) he came into a lot of money through his career….he rained money on his new wife (let’s call her Mary), and her family members who were strangers in another country…we’re talking tens of thousands of dollars.
He helped pay off my sisters’s student loans and other debts-at least they got something. And guess who got diddly squat? Yep his own fkg firstborn son (he had a new son with Mary and he also got thousands).
Not that I expect handouts, but you’d think when you have kids, most, sane, normal parents would want to help out their own children rather than other people’s….but to an extent I think he hated my mom and saw me as a representation of her.
She’s a way better person than he ever was and she always regretted marrying him, but they were in a poor country and didn’t have a lot of options. Still I’m glad they got us out of the hellhole nation we were in, so I’m grateful for that bit…though it would been better if they didn’t have kids.
This is partly why I hated his guts. What’s worse is that he had undermined me my own life and ruined some important chances I had in my career and dating…which was strongly discouraged in my Christian household.
But it all goes back to what you were saying…people like my dad and sister are the evil, manipulative types we were talking about…thankfully my other sister is more like me. We have our problems but she has a good heart and is a kind, helpful person.
You were lucky to have your mom and other sister. That’s the thing- most ppl who get screwed has SOMEONE. If someone had a shit father, they at least had a good mother, or vice versa. Or someone had both shitty parents, they at least had a good sibling or uncle or SOMEONE. I had NO ONE. They were ALL bad to me- both my parents and both my 2 sisters. And my extended family- grandparents, uncles, aunts- they weren’t really part of my life- they hated my father so had very little to do with our family. So basically, they just weren’t there.
And here I was being abused by my shit mother day in and day out for YEARS, from age 7-17. I had NO ONE I could turn to.
If there was even ONE person I could turn to, that would have made all the difference in the world- when you know SOMEONE gives a fuck about you and makes sure you are OK- i’m not even talking mentally as in making sure the person isn’t suicidal- i’m talking I didn’t even have BASIC needs met- you know, Maslow’s hierarchy. I didn’t even reach Stage 1- which was having enough food, heat, guaranteed shelter, etc. I had no safety. To this day I never feel “safe.”
THAT is the problem I have. Everyone I meet had SOMEONE- at least ONE good person in their life. There is a HUGE difference in having a shit life and having ONE person you could turn to, to keep you safe and protect you, vs having NO ONE. When you grow up with NO ONE and NOTHING but ABUSE- well…that’s the stuff that creates serial killers and shit like that.
Other ppl can’t relate to me bc my life is THAT extreme compared to theirs. And 99% of the time I have to keep my life hidden- even to other ppl with depression bc they can’t understand nor do they want to be bothered to understand someone like me. It’s always “well *I* had it bad and *I* got myself out of it so YOU need to too.” Meanwhile, there really is a huge difference between bad and BAD.
Did they grow up with not having enough to eat? Did they grow up with not having a chair to sit on? A makeshift bed that fucked up my spine for life? Shoes too small with holes in it that permanently fucked up my foot?
It’s too long to describe my childhood- and my adult life wasn’t any better- also incredibly horrible shit happened to me.
Anyhow, ppl can’t understand anything THEY haven’t experienced. Even depressed and suicidal ppl- and I can’t talk to them either. There’s only been a handful of ppl in my whole life who I *could* actually talk to without them throwing up the whole “you just need to get over your past” bullshit.
The past AFFECTS my present and future. My foot, in part, is fucked up bc of my past. My health, in part, is fucked up bc of my past. There are things that happened in the past physically that will never go away. It’s like a plant that wasn’t given water, and as a result grew to be very small, thin, brittle, and grew all crooked.
And this isn’t even talking about the mental/emotional things.
Long story short- I had a really horrible abusive childhood, but I also didn’t have a good adulthood either. I had 4 years where things were decent while I was in college- but I busted my ass working 3 PT jobs AND did internship AND joined the military AND did 1.5x the courseload- so I had no time to just hang out with friends and have fun like they all did.
I thought career was #1 bc if I didn’t land a job as SOON as I graduated, I would be fucked, bc unlike everyone else, I had NO ONE and ZERO help from anyone.
And I graduated 3mo after 9-11, into finance. in NYC. HA! The biggest slap in the face that could be. Finance was D>E>A>D after 9-11 in NYC. Finance was pretty dead nationwide. So I was fucked. Trying to find a job during a fucking recession is shitty. Trying to find your FIRST job during a recession after college is income destroying- those who graduate into a recession make on average $1M USD LESS during their lifetimes than ppl who graduate to a non-recession year.
Anyway- that was shit luck and I digress.
Point is my adulthood wasn’t any better- constant struggle and completely on my own. And shit things started happening, one after another after another after another. Too long to go into each major shit thing. Fast-forward to today- I have broken down.
I have not had a SINGLE break in life. I have not a SINGLE person in my life. Sure I have had some friends here and there, relationships here and there, but NO ONE that was really “there” for me- someone who I could turn to if shit hit the fan.
All I got was ppl who tried to manipulate me, use me, gaslight me, etc. The more my life fell apart- due to health and finances- the MORE the sharks and vultures appeared. The gaslighters and users and manipulaters. Some destroyed my life. It’s like trying to swim out of a sinkhole.
Anyhow, I lost track of my point, but point is- I’ve had a shit life my WHOLE fucking life- not just childhood, not just adulthood- and not just a shit life- but one of the worst ones. Constant shit thrown my way. I was able to stand back up each time after getting knocked down when I was healthy- but it’s almost impossible to do now that I am physically incapacitated. I’m not in wheelchair or crutches or anything like that- but I do have mobility issues, walking issues, bending, lifting, moving around, etc.
Anyway, point is- I have suffered my WHOLE damn life. I have been ALL ALONE my whole damn life. I have had constant shit thrown at me my WHOLE life. And I am tired of it.
And no, I don’t want to end it all yet bc it is INFURIATING to end it all after I had WORKED SO DAMN HARD during my early life to make things work. I worked so hard up until my car accident that fucked me over. Even then I tried to make things work. AFTER my car accident is when all the sharks circled me- the users and manipulators. They sense blood in the water and they know exactly who to target. That is when I started to drift away from humans and isolate to protect myself. And when I stopped thinking humans were fundamentally good.
I mean that’s not to say there wasn’t a huge gaslighter and manipulator before the car accident that fucked my life over. There was that too, but I still didn’t hate humans or shun them until years later.
This is so long-winded and I forgot my point. I’m just a broken person. I’m poor. I’m chronically ill. Suspicious of people. And ppl don’t want to make friends or go out with someone who is disabled, poor, not working, let alone someone who is depressed and is cynical as hell of ppl.
The truth of the matter is that 90-99% of ppl are shit. By shit I mean they are either shitty ppl or the type of ppl who not do anything or help or be by your side. You know, the ones who are “lukewarm”- most ppl aren’t ACTIVELY evil, but most ppl are PASSIVE- as in they don’t really care about anyone else or do anything to help anyone else. That’s the bulk of the ppl.
The TRUE friends. The TRUE family. The ones that got your back. That’s 1-5% of ppl. 95-99% of in that “shit” or “meh” category are just not worth knowing.
I don’t care to meet ppl who are fair weather friends. and 95-99% of ppl are.
They are rare to begin with, and add to that my shit life and shit conditions- I need to AT LEAST get back into middle income to even MEET normal, healthy GOOD ppl.
My brain hurts and I’m rambling, I know. Point is, I am fucking broken- mentally, physically, emotionally, financial. And I have NO HELP to get out of this situation.
And I am currently living with my mother, one of the most shittiest ppl out there.
I’m fucking stuck. IDK what to do. I don’t have my health to just pick up and start anew somewhere. I don’t have the physical energy. But that is what I must do. Yet Again. All alone. With NO ONE in the fucking world.
My body is literally broken. And yet I have to get back up once again. On my feet. On my broken feet.
My problem is that I am so physically broken now. So sick and injured. I no longer have the confidence in doing what I need to do to get out from my shitty situation.
I want so badly to have SOMEONE I can run to, to hug me and love me, someone to fucking HELP me out of my shit life. Someone who’ll pick me up when I fall down. Someone to make sure I am well physically and financially.
But no. I have no one. It’s one thing if I was healthy and my body was working the way it used to be. It’s another thing when I struggle just to get food or clean.
IDK- I’m just fucking tired. I have no energy to get back up. I’m physically and mentally broken. But I must get back up and fix my life if I want to have any kind of future that isn’t misery.
I’m so pissed off at being so screwed out of life. Not just by a little bit by by A LOT. IF I even had ONE fucking person that genuinely cared about me and helped me, my life would be so fucking different. My mind wouldn’t be so fucked up. I wouldn’t be so hateful of ppl and this world (the hateful only came about the last few years, mostly the past 12mo, so it’s not like my being hateful of humans caused everything). Maybe you can say I’ve been hateful of humans since end of 2020/2021 after I got shitted on over and over again from 2020-2023. So sure, I can blame myself the last few years for having a bad view of humans and the world. But what about all the DECADES before that?
I haven’t 100% given up- I’m close. But there is no coming back from an attempt so I’m not ready to do that yet. Bc that would mean ALL the fucking hard work effort I put in would have been for nothing.
I am maybe at 90-95%. I’m fucking tired. I have NO fucking energy nor the will nor the health to get back up and fight.
I need help. But I have NEVER gotten any fucking help my ENTIRE fucking life from ANYONE. So that’s not fucking happening.
IDK what to do anything. I am battered and broken. Physically and mentally. Emotionally.
And bc I no longer have hope, that makes getting back up and fighting and trying that much harder. And I’ve also lost confidence in myself as my health has slowly withered away, like my soul.
What do I do? My only choice is to get up and fight. But I have ZERO fight left in me. I’m so fucking tired- literally, due to my health.
All I can do is cry in my misery. And hating myself that I can’t get myself out of this shit life that I’m in again.
Sorry to hear about everything you’ve gone through. It’s really a matter of random chance that one either has a good childhood and parents or not.
I was lucky to have had an amazing and beautiful childhood…and ofc as you know at least one good parent (and sibling). But my life went to crap as I realized where I fit in the pecking order.
Part of my “downfall” can be attributed to my own self-perception, because I thought of myself as a nerd/loser, I had low self-esteem and it becomes a negative feedback cycle. Even though girls I liked didn’t see me the same way I did…I ruined many opportunities because I didn’t have faith in myself. (At least I was a late bloomer).
That was until my late teens. I had let some classmates get away with insulting and talking down to me and I became furious afterwards. I said to myself ‘who the hell did they think they were and why was I so weak and pathetic that I didn’t stand up for myself?’
So that really became a turning point for me…I began getting as obnoxious with others as they were towards me-even to the point of nearly getting into a fight (and most of them were cowards and would back down). Then I started garnering the respect I felt I deserved.
But getting back to your story…. I couldn’t imagine having a life where no one was in my corner, not family/siblings, or friends. Though I’ve never really counted on friends, very few actually care and are there for you…it’s something I expect from family.
What can I say Eternal you’ve been through so much suffering that would break most people including myself. I’ve had numerous ‘breaking points’ in my life too where I seriously considered suicide and prepared to follow through…but ofc I stayed back for family.
I get the sense that you want to keep living and trying to have a normal life, despite everything that you suffered through. Ofc suicide isn’t an easy thing to do either…so we’re kind of pushed in that one direction of living no matter how hard it gets until we can’t go on any longer.
The one thing to remember-for all of us, is to not let your body deteriorate to the point that you are physically incapable of ending it yourself…otherwise, once someone becomes disabled, then we are fully dependent on others and they cannot help us self-terminate because it is considered illegal in most nations.
So for me, I’ll keep going until I hit that proverbial ‘rock bottom’ (or feel it’ll happen) and then I’ll opt for one of the options we discussed in another thread. I’m a little leery of Maid because it seems (in Canada), it’s still a janky process.
I thought they had all the right drugs/tools to give you an easy smooth ‘passing’ but I’ve heard some horror stories and they don’t have access to Nem. Still, I guess it’s better than trying to wing it yourself…as many thousands of people have died by Maid for many years.
I guess partly I keep going because I really miss having a beautiful girl in my life…so I want to experience that again for at least one last time…a proper relationship unlike the unfulfilling ones I’ve had before.
Ofc if it works out well I might stick around, plus it’d be mean and selfish to start something and then abandon that person. At this rate though I don’t expect much…I’m swamped with work and other issues in my life, including having to move yet again next year.
You are right with what you said, few people have gone through what you have and so they couldn’t really relate. I’ve described my life as ‘bittersweet’ because I’ve had both the bitter/awful/painful/terrible and I’ve also had the wonderful side too….but sadly some people only have the bitter side and bad experiences.
I wish our world wasn’t that way but ofc we can’t change it….all we can do is either keep putting up with more suffering over decades until our life ends on its own, or we intervene in our own situation and hasten our demise.
Speaking only for myself, if not for the happy times and good experiences I had and if all I had was pain, abuse, misery, suffering I can promise you I would’ve ended it about 20 years ago, in my 30s… because I had seen enough at that point to know it wouldn’t get any better.
Ofc that’s an individual, personal decision…some people can put up with a lot of suffering but for me…I wouldn’t allow myself to keep living a hellish life, for what?
There’s no payoff at the end…some of us get lucky in life, others unlucky. One can try to change things but if that doesn’t work then what can a person do? For me it’s a no-brainer really. I’d have to just push through the fear and doubt and just work on a method that I’m sure will give me a release from this life or I’d opt for maid.
Some people think their life is unique/special, but billions of people have lived and died and billions will keep doing it. So it just comes down to one’s quality of life…if it’s good then keep going, if it sucks…why keep going? Just the way I see it.
Ofc I don’t think my puny life is special. The reason I don’t want to end it just yet is bc
1- all of that hard work and effort and pain and suffering would all have been for nought.
2- i want to accomplish SOMETHING b4 i die. whatever that is. i don’t want to die a nothing and nobody. i will be happier leaving Earth once I feel like I have accomplished something “great” in my own eyes. and then call it quits.
Everyone has their own end point. Your final straw is different from mine or Mary’s or whoever. You end it when you’re ready. I’ll do it when I am.
I should be clear-though I thought I was….in no way am I encouraging you or anyone to take their own lives. I’ve said it repeatedly that is a personal decision and we all have our own reasons to keep going or not.
I’m simply saying if my own life lost all its worth, value, quality, esp. my health then it’s “curtains” for me and only me.
What you’ve suffered through, I personally couldn’t accept for myself and I would’ve off’d myself ages ago. Ofc our lives were different and so I had other reasons to keep going.
1-ya it’d be wasted, but isn’t that the case regardless, bec one day we all die anyways?
2-we fully agree there…I have some big dreams I want to accomplish also, including starting a business. Not really to become an Elon Musk, I don’t care about fame, but to create things I’d like to see in the world.
To your last sentence, ofc we all know sooner or later when it’s our time to go…I don’t think either of us have reached that point yet.
I just wish self-termination was as easy as turning off a light switch…but ofc it isn’t. I hope in the near future they’ll offer Maid with a combo of drugs and inert gas, I think that’d be the best way to make passing 100% guaranteed, painless and quick.
I’ve also decided that after mom passes away, I probably won’t stick around either…I’ll use the last of my savings to take a nice vacation, maybe have some flings and then ‘check out.’
It’s too costly to live on one income in my city and I make an average salary, plus I don’t want to live with any other family members and I know they wouldn’t want me there either.
It’ll be hard for the sister I’m close with but we all have to go some time…as for my dad he can go f himself.
The problem with trying to make life work is that i’m broken and battered, and i no longer have the drive, determination, nor the willpower i used to have. nor do i have the confidence that i had. nor do i have my health.
sooooo…it makes it SUPER fucking hard to make life work. but if i don’t try, then it’s 100% shit life.
i just don’t know if i can make it work if my drive is gone and so is my confidence in myself. and those things are required and near impossible to get back. i can’t will it back. i can’t fake having drive. you just can’t fake that stuff.
so idk where tf that leaves me…there are only 2 paths and i’m in the middle, stuck in a mud sinkhole…
I feel you sister…ya it takes a great deal to have a ‘good life’ and we just take it for granted…having good health, mentally physically, a nice home, good parents, friends, etc.
Failing all of that and life become massively difficult. I feel I have a little drive left, but not a lot….but I’m going to try.
I mean there are still things I really love about life, like nature, books, music/movies, girls…so I’m willing to keep trying for that, but I’ve put a time limit on myself…once I hit my 60s and if I’m in the same state I am today, I’m going for Maid without a second thought.