Since I was a child I always stood out because of my Autism, and I felt lonely and depressed. I rarely made friends and only managed to have a partner for a few months. In highschool suicidal thoughts started to become common and near the end of school I had the desire to do something violent because of the influence of what I saw online and on the news, since I was naive and foolish, but decided that It was just far too wrong. A few years pass and I start to strangely become obsessed with suicide victims and suicide methods, I would spend hours a day looking for the best options to die, but because I was, and still am unwilling to kill myself because of cowardice, I have reduced hundreds of suicide options over the last few years down to suicide by cop, but I am afraid to go to jail should the attempt fail somehow, and I would be seen by everyone as a criminal and insane. I have also had anxiety attacks that would wake me up at night with a randomly very strong fear of dying for some strange reason despite being suicidaly depressed and on top of that I have recently been getting very small anxiety attacks when I’m alone at my condo. Maybe these issues are due to a combination of my long list of mental problems including ADHD, Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Gender Dysphoria, ASD, OCD, and ASPD. I feel like the longer I stay here, always getting fired from jobs, struggling to fit in, and seeing all the other young people around me succeed in all areas of life, gives me the feeling that I need to die now. I don’t know what to do or how to feel anymore.
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I’m alternating between trying to make suicide by cop work and coming back to where I am; if you could count on another unrelated human being to act in a certain way, wouldn’t life be tame-able at that point?
because now that I state it, counting on the incomptence of others still doesn’t always go to plan. You can for sure bet that some people can’t perform their essential function, but the how is unpredictable. The whole thing needs unnecessary lethal force to work, but there’s an incompetence in even applying that lethal force, isn’t there? What if they miss? What if they suck at deadly holds?
Upshot; going to jail or prison will lead to a shorter lifespan. Also, depends on the crime how others view you. Like if you were a bank robber (not advocating, just hypothetical), all the money is insured, so it might actually be a move towards being more admired. Also, if pulled off right it could set you up well…… unlike a lot of crime.
It’s surprising how much crime even if pulled off with skill and luck still doesn’t improve the situation.
I haven’t been able to make it work, the crime thing. Most of the time the outcome is just…. unsatisfying. Like quite a lot else.
i’ve become obsessed with the topic of suicidality online, not sure if i’m allowed to mention certain sites here. and so sometimes i wonder if i’m really suicidal, there are lots of things surrounding me that i can use for ligature and knots and yet i’ve lived for years. some people die sitting down hanging from their bedframe. i’m scared of being a vegetable tbh and i’m not sure what my parents would do to me.
i think some autistics are doomed to not be deemed as human. you can only have a nice life if you have wealthy and insanely supportive family. i wish i at least could have a go at being a person, just for a day or a couple of hours. truthfully don’t feel like i even have the right to live, with the way i function day to day
i’m going with jumping because that’s best for cowards (who don’t have access to guns). i wonder if you tried dying by cop