It’s Thanksgiving today. My folks and brother came up to see me. Got here on Monday. I’m happy to see them, but I kind of forgot what it was like to be around people. Especially since I have a set routine and way of doing things here. It also doesn’t help that they are practically geriatric. Getting anywhere or telling them something requires a lot of patience which I’ve never really had. I know I should, but I don’t. It gets to a point where I get annoyed trying to get lunch. I don’t want to be short with them, but it slips out all the time. I know my Mother is also holding her temper because she can clearly see me get annoyed or the like. They leave Saturday morning. Tomorrow we go to Boston.
My labmates had a Thanksgiving dinner today. Three or so made the majority of the food with a few of the others bringing what they could. I brought cranberry sauce. Nobody really seemed to have all that much. That’s ok. Honestly I was banking on it because I really like cranberry sauce and I got to take the leftovers. I only planned to be there an hour, but it started late so I stayed for 2 1/2. It was ok. It was mostly just eating and talking. I didn’t say anything, just listened. Didn’t mind since I never really have anything to say. The few times I talked to people it was always so awkward. I stumble and say odd things. I’m confused by people. Don’t really understand them. I only ever talk to them about lab stuff or homework. I pretty much only ever have “small talk” with one particular teammate. I guess it could be said that I’m closest to her out of all of them, but that really isn’t saying much. We just happen to be on the same team and she tends to be nice, so that includes “small talk”. I still feel inferior to all of them. Like I don’t really belong there. It’s not like this dinner really changed that. Just for once I ate around people instead of the empty table I have at my apartment.
Some songs I’ve been listening to. Both of these are really on the nose. But I guess that’s fine. One of them (Dying Alone) I just typed into Spotify while drinking because that’s how I was feeling at the time. The other (Be) is just a favorite from one of the artists I like. Pretty sure I posted it before.
These two I’ve just been listening to for no real reason.
2 comments
Everytime I am on here, I am reminded of how not alone I actually am in the way that my mind works.
You sound alone in the crowd, J Doe. Perhaps on the spectrum?
The reason I bring it up is because after four decades of feeling this way, I discovered this year that I may be on the spectrum myself.
Four decades of not “getting” others to the point where I made a career of observing and listening to try and decide. Four decades of learning to mask and fit in. Four decades of knowing that if I open my mouth I will confirm that I am as unlikeable as I feel. Four decades of inexplicable irritability at my nearest and dearest to the point where I crave being alone. And then hate being alone. And then being scared of what I will do when left alone for too long.
It’s honestly exhausting. And I had gotten to this point many times out of sheer exhaustion. The older I get the heavier the load felt.
Now I think I am seeing it for what it is. These are traits. And while I have no desire to get medicated, it’s a huge relief to find that I am not just lazy or unreliable or stupid.
I don’t think this comment is helpful to you. You just reminded me of me.
It’s ok, it was helpful. Just the fact that anyone took the time to read was enough. As for being on the spetrum, I’m fairly certain that I’m more on the opposite end. I do have a few friends and I’m able to understand them fairly well. I think it just takes a lot for me to really look and understand someone. I just don’t really have any motivation or desire to understand them. To a degree, people scare me, so I don’t really want to know them.