It’s hard to not be defined by your bad past choices. They shape who you are in the present.
Whereas everyone else in my family earned qualifications, built careers, formed relationships, created families…
I dropped out, isolated myself, ruined my mind and my body, and alienated myself from humanity. I’m a 36-year-old with less social experience than the average 15-year-old. On top of which I’ve built a whole host of negative traits in the time I should’ve been doing normal life stuff.
I don’t have the experience of functioning in a relationship. I don’t know what that’s like. I don’t know what it’s like to have close friendships. I don’t know what it’s like to not feel isolated and alienated from everyone around me. I don’t know what it’s like to not feel scared every time I leave the house. I don’t know what it’s like to not be filled with hatred and envy and regret and despair.
This is who I am right now. It’s pretty wretched, pathetic, and highly unappealing to others. The best reaction I can hope for is pity.
And with this wretched me that I am right now, I have to build a life that is somehow less miserable. And it doesn’t feel possible. And I struggle to live with that.