I’m tired. I’ve spent the last four months shuffling back and forth between cities. I have a new relationship that takes up a lot of my time. I’ve neglected myself. I haven’t read for pleasure in months. Forget going to the gym, I haven’t run for any reason at all in weeks. I’m finally home and my exams are over. I suddenly have very little to do, and though I was looking forward to it, I don’t want to do anything. I miss both my cities. I don’t care much what I eat. I have more decisions to make about where to work and stay in January and it’s tiring me. I don’t want to do anything. TV isn’t pleasurable. I’m sleep deprived from the flight day before. I have a crap internship where the guy gives me grunt work to finish in the evenings. I’m missing half my things. I have no space of my own. I have responsibilities towards friends and family that are a tax on my time. My boyfriend wants to spend a lot of time together, both online and in person. I lose those hours every day. I’m exhausted. I need a break, and now I have one but it’s not what I wanted. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Whatever it is, I’m too occupied with crap things to find a solution. And every time I have a few hours to myself I watch them slip away talking to my boyfriend or scrolling.
I’m really sober too. I don’t feel the urge to do anything. I drank two days ago..and it didn’t feel as liberating as it used to. Just as it’s been every time the last few months. Weed is boring at this point.
Sex doesn’t feel good anymore. I haven’t had the time to touch myself a lot in the last six weeks and my sex drive has just died away. I don’t desire it anymore. Neither sex nor my own touch.
I’m in a rut, and I need to make an effort to fix it…but I can’t. The effort needs planning and reasoned thought and implementation that I feel unable to do.