I’ve written variations of this many times before, but I’m still trying to figure it out.
The majority of my suffering is self-generated. Meaning it emerges as a result of who I am as a person. I obviously have my fair share of physical aches and pains, which are less directly down to problems with who I am. But the mental stuff feels far worse, and it’s generally completely unnecessary. No purpose is served by my being swallowed by feelings of isolation, loss and despair.
I wouldn’t expect to ever have complete control over my emotions. But it seems like it is possible to alter over time the way your brain responds to reality.
And that’s all that’s really left to me. I’ve fucked up my life so badly that there’s no way to be content with it when measured against any value system or expectation. No matter your life philosophy or outlook, I have failed. So all that remains is to attempt to adjust the way I feel about that failure. Feeling despair is understandable and perhaps natural, but it’s not helpful. To the extent I can minimize the suffering generated within myself, I should.
The only potential paths to work on this that make sense to me at the moment are meditation and psychedelic drugs. But if anyone can think of any similar ways of “reshaping” the mind and how it responds, would be interested to hear them. Because that’s all I really can do going forward. I can’t fix my past. I can’t live the life I want. Maybe I can reduce how unhappy I feel about that.
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It seems to me you’re at the start, the only thing that matter is what produces better results. Truth doesn’t even rise to matter that much. A lot of metacognitive work is reframing. Fail is an F word in my book, not because it isn’t accurate, but because of how it makes me feel. The easiest reframe for it is that rather than having failed, I have not produced optimal outcomes.
Be mindful of your thoughts, because your thoughts paint your reality. Meditation can help, but it’s the day to day, applying it that matters most. Look at what causes you emotional reactions that you dislike, and try to see it differently.
Eventually you get around to even reassessing and altering your view of self, that’s the ultimate level of control. Identify with what you do, not what you haven’t. Everyone has more that they haven’t done than they have done. Regret just isn’t productive, even if it is a normal reaction.
The things we do have power over matter, and taking that control when you can is all anyone can do.
I’m sure I have more about reshaping the thought landscape, but it’s Christmas Eve and I have… obligations tomorrow. Happy obligations, eating food and seeing family, but obligations all the same.
Turn over rocks in places that don’t appear to be productive every now and then. I’m not enthused about religion, but spiritual texts from time to time have an interesting effect. I used to have issues seeing an LPC, because of my philosophical hang ups and them existing is a sign of the decay in the profession I once loved…. but I tried to release myself my preconcieved ideas, and it seems to be helping.
Merry Christmas my friend.
Thanks, Merry Christmas. I also have some obligations, though more in the background than as a main character. Finding myself shifting between feelings of extreme isolation and actually enjoying people’s company. Figuring if I manage to keep the despair from actively leaking out of me and infecting others then I’ve done my part.
I’ve always been highly resistant to any kind of “cognitive” work. For me, the only function of conscious thought is to try to make some kind of sense of reality. Not that you can ever hope to come close to capturing the whole truth. But it seems necessary to have some kind of narrative that serves as an approximation of how things actually are.
I also feel like it gets things the wrong way around. I feel things or perceive them subconsciously, then construct a narrative to try to make sense of what I’m experiencing. I suppose that narrative can then feed back into generating more feelings when I reflect on it, but it doesn’t seem like the primary trigger.
I find myself feeling lost and alone, filled with regret, while surrounded by family on what’s supposed to be a happy occasion. And I observe that it seems to be triggered by talk of reaching life goals and events that I have no experience of, and no hope of ever replicating. And I infer that some part of the negative feeling is down to subconscious assumptions of failure and inferiority on my part. It’s not that I sit there thinking “I have failed”, and then feel sad. It’s that I sit there feeling sad, and later, when trying to process why, I hit upon my subconscious assumptions about failure.
But I certainly haven’t produced optimal outcomes, and maybe it’s worth changing my language around that. Though I fear my writing might become even less pithy and harder to relate to.
I do also identify with the things I do, but for me that’s another part of the problem, considering some of those feel kind of shitty, and there’s very little else I actually do. But perhaps if I do a little more, and do less things that feel shitty, more positive associations can build over time. New year, new leaf, etc.
I’m somewhat in the same boat. Except for the impolite impulses you seem to refer to, I know my own self-destructive demons by name. Now, faced with the prospect where I won’t be able to live and won’t be able to die for years to come due to factors outside my control, I have to fix a routine where I can function nominally without making a scene, or atleast hide my dysfunction. Wish I had a fix that’s 100% foolproof (I’m the fool); heck I’d go ahead n write an e-book about it.
Wish you all the best in walking that “alternative” road through life.
Thank you! May this new year be the year you find means to bury your past demons and start anew. Christmas cheers to you 🙂
Husk, I can understand your sorrow and despair and how it is a result of your own relationship with yourself. The way you interpret reality might need to be retooled and adjusted so you can perceive reality through a different lens. If you are your only enemy that isn’t a terribly inconceivable reality, it could be worse and you could have leaching spiritual entities and degenerate human adversaries — real life enemies — trying to screw up your day and life. You mentioned you are resistant to any cognitive work but perhaps consciously choosing new thoughts and reframing negative voices into empowering background noise is what might prove to be therapeutic. I know I’ve been training myself in moments of doubt and pain to show stoic strength and pride. Merry Christmas.