okay, part one; I’ve had a splitting headache all day, so I’ve had painkillers and feel weird in general, and maybe that’s all that is going on
but this isn’t the first time, I’m craving a drug I’ve never had. Not going to get graphic about it, but I have visualization fantasies about doing a particularly dangerous drug, and how does that work? I’ve never done it, and realistically I probably never will. This isn’t how I understand you get into such things… like isn’t it supposed to be a slipperty slope from legal or semi legal stuff? Most addicts I’ve met have done it to keep functioning, and I kind of don’t function. It wouldn’t do anything for me is the point.
I don’t even know any dealers. WTF?
4 comments
now i’m curious, what drug r u craving, homie?
the line between legal and not legal is stupid. and it’s not to protect “people’s health.” if that were the case, most legal drugs would be banned and many illegal ones would be legal.
heroine, I keep having vivid flashes of what I assume it’d be like to self inject
I mean, it’s pretty bad, moreso because most of access is through black market, and black market sources have cut heroine with lots of awful stuff, such as fentanyl and horse tranqs (the second is a current popular and dangerous street drug called tranq, more dangerous because it doesn’t react to Narcan)
lol why heroin? isn’t that a pretty nasty one?
well, I’ve always liked sedatives more than uppers. Meth never appealed to me, I don’t want to be more awake, I want less. And I met a lot of people very much like me on heroine, and even though they wanted out of it, it still had a hold. It had left a lasting scar, and something has to be pretty amazing to leave that size of scar
plus, the way people talk about opiod deaths, it’s become obvious to me that it is a pretty good exit plan. They don’t blame the addict like “victims of suicide” blame someone who commits by more conventional means. When I realized a lot of those addicts were actually suicidal, just not giving a damn if they ODed….. it got a lot more tempting.
Sometimes when I get in a dark place, it’s a threat I make, that I might find a dealer and seek out that numbness. I’m not doing it, but like that severe suicidality that hits me sometimes, I hunger for it, I fantasize about it. If I lost control of myself again, I might go for it.
but I don’t plan on losing that level of control of myself ever again. More ammo for the conclusion that I can’t go back to what I was, because the consequence of my will slipping is a lot scarier for everyone involved.