Just Another Broken Promise N

I wanted to be alone when it happened. When the clock rolled over to 3:14. I went outside and took a walk through the neighborhood. Eventually I sat on a curb. I listened to one more song. I’ll talk about it later. I watched my phone as it ticked over. I said outloud, “I should have killed myself by now.” I said it twice. There was no point in saying it outloud. I just wanted to. I didn’t feel any better or any easier. It just felt hollow.

I woke up at 5. My body just naturally spurng awake. I don’t know why. It just did. I stood up listening to music. Only thing I could think of. I cried a little thinking of when I was first diagnosed. I eventually got out of my room when I knew it was safe. My mom made me a pancake. She does every year. I drove my brother to school. I visited my grandmother and took her to get water and tea. She lives in a poor city. Gambling centers popped up in the last year like a cancer. Vultures picking at a dead carcass. The people in town are all alcoholics. Why not wring them dry too?

I left and on the way I visted my grandfather’s grave. Just me. I didn’t tell anyone I did. We weren’t particularly close. He had like a dozen other grandkids. I talked to him outloud. I cried a bit. Told him that I was supposed to kill myself today. Saying it outloud that time hurt a little. Now that he’s apart of the grand whatever, does he know everything? Does he know me? I don’t know. Maybe there’s nothing afterwards.

I ate lunch with my family and grandmother. It was a nice steak. I got a call from my aunt. Nothing special. Today was just another broken promise.

When I was walking this was the last song I listened to:

The lyrics felt so miraculous. “You want everything to be just like the stories that you read but never write…. Yout got to learn to live, and live and learn….You want everything to be just like the stories that you read but you can’t write… Oh, you gotta learn to give and wait your turn, or you’ll get burned.” How perfect to listen to in the last moment of being 24.

Then I listened to this after 3:14

Don’t know what it means. I just know that this was the first song I listened to as 25.

I know nobody give a fuck when I link music. Hell nobody even reads these damn things anyways. I just do it to catalogue my thoughts. A journal. To know exactly what I was feeling at a specific point in time. Here’s a spotify playlist I made. To help let it out.