As I sit here, anhedonia set in about an hour ago, and there’s not much to do then apart from sit and think. I mean, there’s tons of stuff to do, I just don’t feel like I’m doing it, works great for chores, but it’s too late to be ambitious like that.
Funny thing, you fence something off, sooner or later that fence is gonna tempt ya, or is it just me?
I haven’t had a job in a year, haven’t tried for anything since August. It’s somewhat intentional, I’m still pretty POed about the last few attempts I made at working. I mean my last job left me dead broke and three hours out of town….. thankfully the one manager that liked me there filled my tank before I left. I came breathtakingly close to working on a masters degree…. only to be left high and dry by financial aid. That was my latest dissappointment, three months ago.
but damn if there’s nothing to look forward to. I’m trying to work on my zen, work on my not caring, work on just eatin sleepin and doing my chores, but they don’t get me anywhere. Neither has work, but at least there’s some PRETEXT of aspiration there.
That’s what they take advantage of, the people who own companies. They count on that work feels good, and that we’re all deeply engrained with a desire for the things that work brings. It’s been a scam so far, the only two good jobs I had evaporated; the first at a hospital, that hospital went out of business, the second shortly after subcontracting for a natural gas company, some out of state JERK lost us that contract. Not even getting into that the hospital was run into the ground, and I met the guy who did it. I should have killed him. I really should have. I thought I had more living to do, guess I was wrong eh? At least so far.
Of course, if I beat myself about every evil SOB I should have introduced to the grave…… let’s just say I’d have a lot more baggage to deal with than I do now.
I can’t even kill animals…. well apart from fish. and rats. I figure I could do a chicken, but only if I was really kosher about it, chicken would have to live a great life and never see it coming. Bigger than that? I’d hire a butcher, let him take his share out of the meat…. and I guess I am a cruel and unkind person for not being willing to give up my meat. There’s only so much I can do. I have trouble eating, so when I can eat, I do. I’d be underweight if I didn’t, and more depressed, if that is possible. It is.
Anyway, I’m ramblin. Who or what I could kill is really nothing related to the point.
but working, trying to make my peace with the authorities in this world…. it’s starting to look interesting again. I was going to say good, but it doesn’t look good, it looks every bit as toxic and dangerous as it ever did. I guess I can relate to people who live near alligators. Going after one of those is a bad idea, but I could see being bored or apathetic about living enough to go after them.
Really that’s all Florida and even my weird state come down to; nothing better to do. Drugs, bad jobs, and bad ideas, that’s all I see anymore.
Heh, thinking about Ren and Stimpy;
Don’t whiz on the electric fence, it’s a board game! I like board games.
Lot of jokes in that show, make more sense now than they did then. It’s symbolic of the unavoidable stupidity of the actions we’re at the same time told not to, yet get tempting all the while. I think Ren ends up doing it, he’s the manic one most of the time.
Another good bit was the episode “Stimpy’s Invention”; Stimpy gets worried that Ren is feeling sad, so he invents a helmet that’ll make him happy again. It’s not real happiness though, just a facade, like with most medications. That’s the adult joke hidden in the whole thing, and it produced the most memorable song from the whole show;
Of course I wouldn’t feel right exposing you to all this Ren and Stimpy without telling you that the creator is an awful human being. I’m not getting into it, no creator from my childhood turned out to be a sane well adjusted individual. Either they’re touchin where they shouldn’t, or spreading beliefs that are actively harmful.
I think the delusion is believing that anyone is fully satisfied. I mean apart from some people so far removed from humanity that they aren’t relateable, like serial killers and billionaires. Sure, “anyone” can become one, but most of us are too kind hearted for it, at least that’s my take.
I guess what really tempts me is that maybe if I go back to it, maybe I could speed up my exit from this lifestyle.. But I’ve been at it for years, back before it broke me, and it doesn’t appear I got any closer, back when I tried to.
Which fantasies are worth entertaining, and which aren’t? That’s the real question. I could get back up, I could try, but at what cost? My sanity and brief relative peace of mind.
Maybe it’s a different world now, that’s the only thing that really nags at me. Maybe there are employers who don’t hate their employees
I think they pay you to stupify you to sleep, so that them and their families can sit down for one blessed minute without you and your mindless, inexhaustible, unstoppable, repetitive and nagging demands.
“I want fair pay!”
“I want health insurance”
“I want job security”
“I want to be left alone in my time off”
“I want time off”
‘I want, I want, I want, me, me, me, mine, mine mine, now now now”
“Can’t you understand child, they pay you to shut you up, and conk you out.”
I’m sick of this whole thing of employers feeling burdened. If the market isn’t nice enough for them, they should look elsewhere, that’s what they always tell us isn’t it?
That’s what I want to know ladies gentlemen and undecideds, boys and girls, bipeds quadrapeds and other multipeds of varying amounts of legs, eyes and decorations. Can anyone tell me where else? Nowhere. There’s nothing to be, apart from nothing, and even that is losing it’s novelty.