The dissonance between the raging sickness inside and whatever passes for my conscience grows more intense daily. It’s so bizarre to feel so emotionally hijacked and captivated by it one moment, and a few hours later to catch myself moralising the actions of others and feeling for the pain of the world. How could such opposite creatures exist within the same head. I feel I must be lying to myself about any pretence of empathy The sick part of me must rule all, must define me. And in the eyes of any outsider, it understandably will.
I think the reality is probably that my extreme inhumanity is only triggered by certain specific factors. When those aren’t in play, I’m more or less morally normal.
I find the internal tension unbearable. To know what I am fills me with utter hopelessness. But the fire inside still burns. So I’ll push down the awareness, over and over again, in order to live with myself.
I believe there is a part of me that could’ve been good. I don’t think I was always completely wicked. I just never learned to handle being around people. I was far too sensitive to any sign of rejection. And I allowed the resentment and pain from that to twist me in extreme ways.
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so is the allusion to Lord of the Rings Gollum intentional? I always identified with Frodo, thought I was going off on a lighthearted adventure…… but ended up in an allegory for addiction that no one would sign up for. What’s worse (or better), I do have a loyal Sam
and right now I’m just at the “send me off to the grey havens” stage… oh my granddad was also quite the Bilbo character, charming and sweet at times, but hooo boy, not many people saw his dark side. He’s kicked off already though, off to the grey havens, leaving me behind.
I also feel like my friends would get in a lot less trouble if I wasn’t around
https://youtu.be/uE-1RPDqJAY?si=lOEOeSESab281cpf
ahhh, nostalgia
Yes, very much intentional. When I first became more reflective about this side of myself, Gollum was one of the ways I made sense of it in my mind. I relate to the overwhelming nature of the craving, the self-hatred, loneliness, despair, wretchedness.
Jekyll & Hyde would be another alternative, though less fitting. It’s not that I have multiple personality disorder or actual psychological breaks – it’s all “me”, the same person. It’s just that my moral sense swings so crazily within a short span of time that I might as well be two different people.
Ah well, I guess you could probably count on a Sam to save you in the end (even from yourself.)
I feel you, sometimes the world leaves people feeling too scarred to want to carry on. I don’t think Frodo would ever have left his friends if he didn’t believe they could pick themselves up and carry on as normal though. And Tolkien’s worldview is significant – he believed in heaven – that death isn’t the end. If Frodo and Bilbo had just roped themselves at the end and been buried in the ground it wouldn’t have left quite the same bittersweet feeling. The Grey Havens is a transformation, not annihilation.
also enjoying the irony of Frodo being the one trying to find humanity in Smeagol, and Smeagol wrestling with his darker impulses
But Gandalf was right in the end, Gollum had a part to play, though depending on point of view, he might have killed himself
What things trigger it? If you know certain things trigger it, then you could possibly stay away from the triggers?
Not going to go into it here, but they’re pretty impossible to detach myself from/avoid. Stress also plays a big part in exacerbating things. I think the best I can really do is moderate my actions when that part of me takes hold and try to restrain myself from doing anything I’ll regret too much after it fades. I’ve been exerting an extra level of control over that lately which I think is why I feel the dissonance more intently.