I don’t mean the kind of failure where you don’t reach particular goals or aspirations. That kind applies to everyone. I don’t mean superficial failings, like not being attractive or financially successful, though I have certainly failed in those aspects. I don’t even mean more fundamental life failures, like not finding a partner, friends, a career, or building a family, though again I have absolutely failed in those areas. What I’m trying to get at is a more basic failing, that makes all the rest near impossible to work on.
I have failed morally. As a human being. To cultivate a personality and psychology worthy of any kind of success or fulfilment in life. I am not a good person. I am not kind, or funny, or warm. I am not fun to be around. I’m not interesting to talk to. I’m not charming. I rarely know how to put people at ease, and even when I do I don’t make the effort.
And a lot of that sounds small, and it is. I list it more as just small reflections of a deeper problem. I’ve done terrible things. Things pretty much universally regarded as terrible. And although a part of me can sometimes recognise that, a lot of the time it doesn’t feel that way. I don’t have the moral sense that nearly everyone else has, that would stop them from wanting to do those things. I don’t know if I eroded it over the years or it gets overridden by stronger impulses, or maybe my moral sense was never really that strong to begin with.
I’m pretty sure I’m not a psychopath, but I do feel at a similar level of moral distance from most of society. Like an “other”, an outsider unconvincingly pretending to be like everyone else. I think I practise at least some level of moral concern for other beings most of the time. But in certain key areas it’s like something’s just missing. I’m just a really shitty person. And I think my subconscious awareness of that leaks out into all my social interactions. Like people can tell that something is off about me, even though they might not know what it is. My deep underlying sense of inferiority & shame leaks out of me.
So anyway, failure. Failure to build a fulfilling/meaningful life. That’s one thing. You live, you learn, you grow, etc. But failure to become a person who could ever deserve any kind of meaningful life… what the fuck do you even do at that point, if you’re mid-30s, totally set in your ways. The kind of change necessary is too all-encompassing. There would be nothing left. The rot in me goes so far down that if you strip it all away I’m essentially nothing. Pretty much every habit of thought and action I’ve developed between the ages of 9 and 36 would have to go. And it’s not like I could just revert to being a kid and learn it all fresh. I’d still have to somehow function as an adult. My whole brain is fucked. My way of perceiving the world is fucked. But if I somehow let it go, I wouldn’t be able to function.
The simple answer is to unalive myself. The more complex reality is that I’m stuck with the mess that I’ve made, being the shitty person that I am, trying to somehow make my failures less painful and become marginally less shitty. What a cheery inspiring way to end another year. Merry fucking Christmas.
11 comments
Interesting you mention it, my highly developed morality is something I regret. Maybe it’s down to different oppertunities. Maybe if you don’t have a moral sense you don’t get lucrative oppertunities to ignore it that you physically can’t
I understand the shame, and the pain involved. I’d just argue that you’re better adapted for the modern world than I am. Objectively, morality and warmth towards others is an albatross I can’t get rid of.
On reflection, I think it’s less that I have no moral sense at all, and more that what I do have is pretty faulty. I still have qualms about certain behaviours and standards, though I don’t know how much of a reward I would forego to stick to them.
I do think it’s possible to stick too rigidly to certain moral principles, especially if it leads you to turn a blind eye to negative consequences of doing so. This world is far too much of a struggle to maintain any kind of purity while surviving, unless others are taking on that burden on your behalf.
I completely disagree when it comes to adaptation. Certain kinds of morality have never been more rigidly enforced and communicated than at this point in history. A few centuries ago I could’ve gone years without a reminder that my actions were even questionable. And the ability to socially network effectively is also at a premium in modern work. Likability pays, where once qualifications and skills were enough.
Besides which, warmth and the sense that you’re a decent, trustworthy person is a pretty key component in most relationships. Trust me, you don’t want to be in my position. I have no one in my life, and I don’t deserve to have anyone.
Grass is always greener, this is the closest I’ve come to experiencing that. Because most of my real life neighbors suck at lawn care, for a start. So the ones with “greener” grass paid for it, while mine is the fruit of my efforts, so when it’s subpar somehow that’s satisfying. That’s me again, getting too into the metaphor.
It’s a rare gift to get to talk to someone on as reverse a path as we are, and it’s kind of cool we both seem to appreciate the other’s situation.
There are times I want to be alone and unloved. It seems so…. free. Because the opposite of freedom is security, and I suppose I have it. I want to appreciate it more, but I loathe it at the same time. I do understand how lonely it is, at least in my mind, maybe not emotionally.
The grass is indeed always greener. No matter how fortunate you are there will always be something about your situation that chafes. And no matter how dismal your situation, you will posses something that somebody out there craves.
Everybody needs alone time. And not having relationships to tie you down might indeed be freeing (for a while). The problem is that you’re alone all of the time, for the rest of your life. You don’t have the option of meaningful human connection, even when you crave it. When you’re sad, or in need of intimacy, or want to share a positive experience with someone… it’s just you, and your demons. Unless you’re the rare type who has no social needs, that starts to feel pretty tortuous after a while.
Maybe you do need more “alone time” in order to appreciate your relationships more? I often think that even if I were otherwise capable of relationships, I would still need lots of time apart, especially in something long-term. You know what they say, “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” We’re novelty seeking creatures by nature, and the longer we have something the more we tend to take it for granted. Maybe if you consciously took a few days/weeks apart every now and then (say on some kind of wilderness trek or something), you’d feel that appreciation more clearly? Giving yourself space to miss what you have.
I think that’s a big part of my withdraw from work, work was that thing for me, where I could be all about myself and what I cared about, and then be 100% there for my family when I was home. I had that bolthole, and in that bolthole I was doing important work so it was okay to go there.
but now that’s gone. Any time I find myself leaning too hard on a crutch, I try to do without. Nothing can endure being my main thing. That’s what happened to my first marriage.
and I don’t want to give in, I don’t want to go back to leaning on that crutch. Dig deep enough inside and there’s some stuff you never wanted to come face to face with. But this is where I am in the journey. I want to not need anything or anyone, and so I’ve created a scenario where I have to live that truth.
I think I’ll get there again, have my projects and escapes, just nothing is appealing right now.
To me it seems healthy to have areas of your life that are “just for you”, separate from your family. Maybe that’s something you relied too heavily on, but trying to do totally without doesn’t seem like a balanced response.
Transcending all human needs sounds like an ambitious goal? I would assume years of meditation are required, but perhaps I misunderstand your emphasis.
“Interesting you mention it, my highly developed morality is something I regret….Objectively, morality and warmth towards others is an albatross I can’t get rid of.”
>Same here @heartless. My life would be SO much better if I just didn’t care as much or give a shit about ppl or justice or morality or any of that. Maybe not none but certainly LESS. bc when you care too much about justice, morality, truth , fairness, etc- you’re in for a world of hurt and unhappiness in this crooked world.
maybe in husks case, his dial ought to be moved over a bit to the other side, and ours moved over a bit to the opposite side. maybe the happiest medium is the ‘dial’ somewhere near the middle mode.
“if I somehow let it go, I wouldn’t be able to function”
I have thought about this thing. There are multiple ways of functioning in same situation. One person reacts one way, another another. Why does this happen? One manager functions his office by iron fist, another by encouragement. Both are valid ways of operating as both get jobs done. Why does that happen? I think it has to do with assumptions. One assumes subordinates only work out of fear, another assumes subordinates can work better with encouragements. None is fully correct. There are some who would leave rather than work under abuses, there are some who would get lazy in lax environments. That’s the thing about human nature. It’s not fixed, not predictable.
This is something I’m working on. My issue is I assume the nature/thoughts/state of mind of person in front of me and behave/react/function according to that. This harms me because I then react according to my messed up mind patterns. I can’t really change those patterns, doing that would make me non-functioning, same like you said in your statement. I wouldn’t get jobs done. However messed those patterns are, they have made me survive so far. What I can do is I can rethink my assumptions. And there is truth in that, I’m not lying to myself. Human nature IS fluid. I am false in assuming, I’m true in not-assuming. I can treat the person in front of me like an open slate. How he reacts to your new behavior is not important. They have their own mind patterns like you have yours. They may be acting according to those patterns. But you know deeper. You know there is a person behind those patterns, a soul, who is the one your main concern is with, who is the one you’re actually talking to, who is the reason you’re giving respect to person in front to you as a human, not to mechanic mind patterns.
We cannot be in harmony with ourself without being in harmony with our surrounding. This can probably be my way of being in harmony with my surrounding.
Sorry, was just talking to myself here.
I agree that human psychology is on a spectrum, and different approaches work better with different kinds of people. And that assuming the mind states of those you interact with can backfire if your ability to read people is off. I’m not sure it’s possible to interact socially without making assumptions about mind state. If someone smiles warmly while talking to you you’re naturally going to assume they’re positively disposed towards you. If they scowl while advancing on you menacingly, you’re going to assume they’re angry and mean you harm, before they’re actually proved it. Our brains are prediction machines, constantly making assumptions about our environment. Some brains are just better calibrated than others.
I don’t think I believe in a “soul” in the way you do. I mostly conceptualize the self as a construction – a convenient narrative to explain and group together what are ultimately patterns in the brain. Possibly that’s part of the issue, but that’s how I see it. I don’t generally employ that view when it comes to people I like or respect, maybe because it reduces the positive feelings I have for them. When I like someone, I want to view them as a whole and unique individual, a soul. But when it comes to people behaving in objectionable ways, I see it more in terms of cause and effect.
I agree that a degree of harmony with those around you is desirable. And if trying not to assume too much about their minds helps with that, then great. I just don’t think it’s something you can do completely.
Well- I’ve failed as a human in every way you’ve mentioned, husk- except morally. But my high sense of morality and justice is what is keeping me back… Being on the opposite end morally and being too moral is also horrible. Definitely a hinderance and detriment in current society.
Morality aside- failing as a human in everything else is pretty devastating…
Well, for me the issue is that my moral/psychological failures inhibit me from working on improving the rest of my life, building relationships etc. I suppose the question is: what is it that’s inhibiting you from connecting with others? Is it that you think you’re better than other people? Is it that you’re too traumatized by your past to trust people? What actually happens when you try to interact with others that prevents that connection from forming, and is it something you can potentially work on?
One of my foundational assumptions here is that there are people in the world who are worth building relationships with (though I feel incapable of doing so). Do you disagree? And if not, what is it about you that’s holding you back?