became a little saner today.

remembered a little bit more about what an old friend was actually like, yet there are still odd contradictions in their behavior.. it’s just like, i’ve been trying to predict it, and it’s been driving me crazy. other things too. i’ve been trying to figure out our lack of free will. what our individual psychologies are. been getting so much better. i needed to do this from when i was younger, not waste so much time trolling someone who wasn’t really thinking about a lot..or so i know. i only caused myself to go a bit mad. existential dread has been at the root of all of this, but i also have mental illness. i still can’t comprehend or process my friend leaving me, it just seemed kind of callous on their part tbh, but i’m also starting to question if that’s just my brain spinning it into something it’s not. i was doing a lot more of that before. they were right, we weren’t really that close to each other. i don’t know why i would seek help from them though. i guess i just wanted them to try to help me, not be so reactive. i think that’s why i really dislike people. i needed a lot more conversation when i was younger. of course, i could’ve asked questions on my own, but the people around me have always seemed interested in the most shallow things. while also prohibiting themselves from partaking in these activities, self sabotaging. you know, there is no meaning to any of it. but i’m about to join them soon. i’m going to finally start my life. i’m still crazy, and you know what it’s true now that i’m typing it out, i do feel psychotic. i need meds. …. i feel like my old friend was like…annoyed at me, which kind of pisses me off. but i completely misread them. tbf my own family has the same issue as them, i’m just tired of it though. all the passive people… me, too. i’m unsure if that’s the real psychosis. stuck in the same place. at least they’ve started their life. they went to college, they have relationships, or at least a relationship. i have no one to talk to, and it’s not everyday i take the opportunity to write out how i actually feel even on here. before it was pseudo-philosophy, madness simmering underneath. i actually never really believed in madness. read more and realized how ill i was. still need to talk about it. i went somewhere today too, the people there were pretty cool. you could tell they were a little psychopathic haha. i think my old friend was too. been reaalllyyy into psychological profiling. WHY? ’cause it’s necessary. knowledge-seeking needs to be the norm in this life. the lack of communication with any family or friends, the lack of productive conversation, has lead to deteriorating affairs. and nobody even recognized my madness as being the result of that. it’s so strange. it should be obvious. we’re meaning-making creatures. we NEED social cohesion. glad i got the courage to get over some issues i had and look up what was going on. glad i feel like i can participate a little, maybe not fully but i can start to try again. OBVIOUSLY, I wish the people from my past had played a support role, but I guess they felt threatened. don’t remember the texts they sent. i still can’t understand the contradictory, shifty behavior in them almost, but it was most likely unintentional. i’m kind of paranoid they’d find this, too. i don’t have my old accounts, or my phone, or anything. like i said,