Drunken Ramblings

It is crazy going back and reading all my old posts. I have been on here for a LONG time. My early posts were from days of  loneliness, inexperience, sobriety, and innocence. You would imagine after so long one might have either finally healed and lived a better life or just plain blasted themselves. Nope, I “have reason to live,” or whatever. I guess I Don’t want to put my family through the trauma of my suicide so I choose to scarf down meds and alcohol. Fuck it right, that’s’ life. I think I am doing the work. Like I believe myself and everything; meds, exercise, therapy, blah blah blah. But then when the sun sets, people are asleep, my girlfriend is ignoring me; I just want to get drunk and high and feel like shit. I feel like when I am inebriated I am more honest with myself on how much I want to kill myself. I want to fucking die so bad lmao But god damn I am suffering and living for others. I could stop worrying about all my shit with a nice lil .45 round right now. But I won’t. I fucking won’t and that’s fucking annoying.