and even as I type that I realize my anxiety comes out in unexpected ways. It’s a weird headspace I’m in about it, and I’m writing it down because chances are WHATEVER happens in the morning, I won’t remember what this felt like. Call it trauma, call it ADHD, I don’t care, big events wipe clear hours and sometimes days before they happen for me.
I took today for me, was feeling a little over manic yesterday. I did a ton of cleaning over the two days after I got the interview request, then I had nightmares about being instutitionalized. Maybe this thing I’m calling mania isn’t mania, because it is not pleasant. It’s only more active. The feeling of being spread thin and not being able to keep up with my brain. Hyperfixation and obsession are also really common when I’m in this state
anyway, feeling a bit better now. Just anxious. I really want the whole damn thing to be over, whatever the outcome. So I’ll get my wish, no pressure right? Sort of. It’s not considered a “sure thing” so no one in my circle will be let down if it doesn’t happen. It depends on how bad it goes, how I take it. I guess I should frame that I’ve been on a few dozen of these interviews, same job, different county. I can’t think of a “best” one, they got rather tedious by the end. The worst one was there they sat me down with five people at the table who all took turns asking me questions. I do well one to one, but interview by committee is not my strong suit.
At the same time, I’m trying to prepare for if it goes “well”, either the positive side of neutral or a job offer. I guess I’m better prepped for that. All the new hire stuff, then integrating with the unit, then trying to get some momentum before summer. That’s the reason I’m driving an hour in freezing rain for this interview, because this is my best timing.
There are other fish in the sea, this doesn’t have to happen, it’d just be nice. At least I hope it would be, I know for a fact some departments are very toxic. But I’m going in with the assumption they aren’t toxic. Let them prove or disprove their ability to provide a healthy workplace.
What I’m really really hoping for is that I get both of the things I want to ask for; Four day work weeks and child protective service. I was “permenancy planning before”, the entire time I was in the program I was being told to go CPS, and now I want to find out what happens if I do go down that path. And the two jobs I had the most success in were four days a week.
big dreams…. heck it’s a big dream to me that I last until I want to quit instead of when I have to quit. I’m going to be pushing harder on the health difficulties and accomadations this time if it comes to that, turns out that’s something Disability wants people to have done at previous jobs. Well alright, I can try. The ADA might just be the shield I need.
But boundaries are my primary protection, if they want more of me than I can give and stay healthy, too bad, so sad, I’m not the right person for that kind of work life.