I applied on Monday, maybe it’s expecting too much to hear back by Thursday, especially on a holiday week
all the same, I think I might have to start doing two or three applications at a time. I don’t want to, it’s not what I promised myself…… I’m okay today, but if this time tomorrow nothing comes up….. yeah, I might need to expand my search
Part 2 possibly the real motivation, also unrealistic things I want way more than I should
As stated many times before, this is my solution to the two post a day recommendation, if what I next have to say is even remotely related, I attach it as a part two. Because chances are it’s just going to age away and dissappear, might as well conserve space
So here’s the part where I admit part of why I want this stupid job; I want some new tech gear. It’s flat stupid how many things in my life I’ve done for the gear. But this is next gen gear, I say, knowing it is not that much more compelling to most people. I like having nice things, it makes me feel like I’m worthwhile. Fancy coffee used to do it, but I couldn’t justify that, THIS I can justify, just by getting a job.
Because I’m assured to spend hours in waiting rooms, being paid for it, and do you know what makes that appealing? A mobile gaming device. Originally I wanted a Steam Deck, since it launched….. but time has made it so that there are more options. What I’m thinking is likely to be the solution now is the Lenovo Legion. It’s as powerful as my last gaming laptop, but I can smuggle it almost anywhere. The other two contenders were the ROG Ally which looks really cool, but has some serious design flaws. Same kind of goes for the Steam Deck. Finally, there’s the upcoming MSI Claw….. but do you know what that has? An intel chipset….. and we aren’t even getting into the long tale of frustration that makes me prefer anything but intel. It’s the same with nvidea, glamorous I get it, but I like an AMD underdog.
so that’s my justification for that. It might be a while before I act on it… and I might change my mind.
But do you know what makes a mobile game system seem almost cute and reasonable? Real estate I can’t afford. I found this land, and really the issue is how close I am to being able to afford it…. theoretically I can cash out and get $95k…… which is only $50k less than I would need for this 280 acre property. Oh yes, less than $1000 an acre, it’s like the holy grail of land hunting. The land all around it is owned by a forestry land trust. It’s in the middle of nowhere, so I’d have to go off grid
but 280 acres………. That’s like a Lenovo Legion for your HOUSE. Half a square mile almost, surrounded by thousands of acres that cannot and will not ever get developed?! I haven’t found a better way to have my home say to others; “Keep your distance”…..
eh, it’d be sold before I could liquidate even the money I “have” so it’s a reach in that regard, I don’t have stable income so I can’t finance shit….. and my parents are as healthy as ever.
It’s just the latest in a long line of things I can’t have, but I’d really really really like to. I’d work fast food for three years for that, and there’s nothing else in the world I can say that about
Oh, and it comes with two antique forestry machines…… eeeeeee! It’s like catnip to my nose and I just want to bap it and roll in it.
It isn’t even on a road, it has an easement where you can build a road if you like…… no one would ever bother me there, I’m convinced. Which is the dream. One day after months of not hearing from me someone will come check and find I’ve passed on, and say “well he went like he wanted, entirely unobservered”…. That’s the thing, I’d be as good as dead, I’d get all the benefits in terms of not dealing with my BS life of being dead, but I’d just be tucked away where no one would bother me.
Part 3; I give in to my anxiety
Yes, I know it’s the next day, but again, conservation, it’s the same subject
No news as of almost noon, so I gave in and put in a second application to another department. This time 30 minutes out, so still better….. but I still don’t have it in me to apply for my own county, long, long story as to why
Which means the anxiety won, but I don’t think it’s realistic for me to win against it constantly when allowing my desires to exist. If I wanted absolute control, I wouldn’t want anything…. complete anhedonia. It’s not entirely a choice, but I can push myself in that direction if I want or need to. Which may yet happen.
**Deep existential sigh**