when you’ve got no one that gives a shit about you?
The reason I WOULDN’T want to die just yet is to spite them. They would be happy if I died, and so just bc of that, I refuse to off myself and make them happy. They would be relieved that their disabled daughter/family member is finally gone and that they don’t have to do a thing to help me anymore (not that they do anything now anyway).
2 comments
hey, spite is a perfectly fine reason for living. There’s nothing like watching people you hate die….. it’s as meaningful as anything else on this sad pitiful rock full of sad pitiful creatures
More than a decade ago was the closest I came to ending my life. But I stayed for a few reasons, my elderly mother was by herself and her health was declining and my two other siblings who are both selfish, irresponsible people, wouldn’t look after her.
Secondly, while I knew of some methods, I knew it’d also be a challenge to get the materials I needed to pull it off. Lastly, I didn’t want to be remembered in a pathetic light and to be pitied by people I hated like my dad.
It’s ‘funny’ how much suffering we’re willing to endure, just to protect our reputation.
Still though I was at a point where I almost didn’t care what anyone thought because I was in so much emotional pain/suffering, due to my failed life. In a way I guess I’m more sensitive than I realized and was close to ending it.
If not for my friends and family I think I would’ve eventually figured out a way to ‘go’. Then I wouldn’t even be here to talk about it.
That’s the other thing, we place too high a value on our own lives. I guess if I didn’t have many good/happy experiences, then I would’ve felt less of a reason to keep living.
Since that time, we’ve gradually improved our lives (my mom and I)…but not by a huge amount…the struggles continue, I just keep getting older and that’s a big negative in my life…up until my 40’s I could pass as being young and never had to think much about it…now it’s a factor in dating and maybe jobs since my health isn’t as great as it used to be.
I knew my family members (apart from my mom) would’ve been fine without me…if not for my mother being around, I probably would’ve found a way out of living.
It hasn’t been all bad, but I’m still far from where I’d like to be in life, but I’m trying to get there. I just wish I had made better choices when I was younger…and I would’ve been further ahead.
I just have this feeling that I probably will ‘succeed’ and have a nice house, comfortable life in 5-10 years (or sooner), but I’ll be an older man by then and few women will be interested in me.
Then I’ll have to hope I find a pretty girl who won’t care so much about my age…but I plan to find an s/o while I keep working towards my goals.
Hopefully they cure or reverse ageing…but knowing my luck it won’t be in my lifetime.
We all have ‘reasons’ why we haven’t chosen to exit life yet…I just hope most people feel they have good reasons to keep going.
In my case, I had my health, my intelligence, and ambition to do better…so that’s why I stuck around (also for the reasons above). If I lost all these things, including my friends/family and still no s/o, then I couldn’t keep going. An s/o would be a game-changer, but she’d have to stick around for the long haul or I’d be SOL-again.
I used to have a friend who lost both his parents and he’s not close with family but something keeps him going…I guess maybe his high school buddies. But maybe he’s one of those people who wouldn’t consider suicide no matter how bad things got…like those poor people who end up on the streets.
I guess only some of us have redlines-like homelessness, losing all our friends, family, etc… that would compel us to find a way out of living, asap.
While others really don’t seem to care how bad life gets, they just keep clinging on to the bitter end-even if that end means freezing to death on a park bench in the middle of winter and its -30C out (in the worst-case scenario).