It took me about two and a half hours to process the headspace I’m in right now, but it’s a better headspace than last night.
The problem is, I don’t know how to half ass anything. I do it, I’m learning, but it’s always been a challenge. To impress someone, my default is to try really hard. I really wanted to impress the interview yesterday, and I tried harder than I thought I could anymore. That hurt, a lot, pouring that much out, not knowing if it would come to anything.
I did a 10 mile bike ride last night after the interview, and now I’m sore and I love it. Geez I’m some kind of Adams family weirdo; pain and dissilussionment are my jam. Beauty and hope…. yuck. My appetite is shot, and I’ve never felt better about it.
This is a headspace I can live with. I’m going to have to do some unpleasant things, always has been part of my life. That being said, I’ll get to where I want to go. Yes, it was nice to fantasize about doing better, and those fantasies may yet prove more real than I’m willing to let them be now. I don’t have to want it anymore. I don’t have to impress those people anymore. I’m free.
In utter contrast, I’m looking at my last options now, because the food money dries up in two weeks. I’m looking at going to work in a grocery store, probably the lowest level job I can tolerate, BUT, I could do it, I could succeed, and what’s more they’d likely be glad to have me. Fix this damn house and get out of this damn state, that’s still the goal, and one I can progress towards without much help.
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Well congrats on even getting the interview (that’s hard nowadays). You still have hope so that’s better than me. My hope has been killed off for quite some time now, and living without out fucking sucks.
it’s like I said, low expectations. I only need a few thousand dollars, then I can be relatively free, living like a redneck but on my own terms.
but I did a lot of reflection, about people I admire, and the ones I do the most are those who had a lot of potential, but found a more humble place to be, made their peace. Specifically I had this one professor, highly charismatic, one of the most intelligent men I ever met. He was top dog at the second rate university I did my undergrad at. He was king, of a small pond.
I took every course the guy taught, including 16 hour weekend seminars. and I realized he lived a life he chose. No one outside of the school would probably ever know his name, but on that campus, he was James Bond + Mr. Rogers. The guy sucked up all the air in the room and was so good at it larger egoes had to admit he had done it artfully.
I don’t know that I can get there, but he was in his 70s at the point I knew him, at least 30 years out for me. Also, he did it in this weird ass state, which I have oft refused to make my terms with.
I wanted to be national or even internationally known, only within my field, but at the top of it. By comparison, being just somewhat successful seems achievable. Anything I can’t give myself, I learn to go without. So the foundation of my philosophy is absolute control, absolute mastery, just over a small playing field.