I’ve been wrestling with what it is that bothers me so much about this interview next week. What’s different? I’m way more invested than usual, for one. I’d really like the job.
The thing I realized though, I never once respected my former employers. Not a one of them. All of them were varying degrees of corrupt, and every time it felt like a faustian bargain; You try not to let me find out how corrupt you are, and I’ll try and ignore it.
but I realize now, it’s scary, the idea working for someone who has integrity and ethics. Their criticism would actually land for one. Most of the time it’s like when I worked concessions at the theater; Okay, you’re yelling at me becuase I’m not filling your soda fast enough, fair, but you just spent three times what that soda is worth, neither of us have much claim to dignity or high ground.
If they’re a good employer though, they’ll work with that. If they aren’t, or if they just aren’t ready to be that for me, then they won’t. That simple, that binary.
In that I am in the situation, I deserve to be exactly that much. If they let me into the next door, it goes with it that I presumeably met the standard. It’s not letting that doubt mess me up, that’s the trick I’m still working on.
Maybe I’ve finally changed enough of myself that I’m ready for an employer I respect. Stranger things do happen.
trying to calm my overthinking mind;
Horses are pretty big John, you fall off of one of them anything is liable to happen. Well, not anything. This clock isn’t about to become prime minister just because someone’s fallen off a horse, I didn’t mean anything in that sense.
Also, I finished my second and final in print book of this authors, and now I am completely read up on all of his written work, and that’s a strange sad feeling. Most authors aren’t worth reading in the middle of the day, but this one was, I’ll miss that.
2 comments
I hope your interview goes well. When you value certain people’s opinion and their own reputation and status and all that, it gets a bit harder to stand next to them. It also depends on how you view yourself as well. If you only think you’ll only ever reach a certain level, when you get anything higher than that, it gets scary. I guess it’s a matter of balancing your own self worth and your perceptions of other people’s worth. Hope you can find that balance.
it’s odd because in general I’ve spent a lot of energy not saying it, but my goals are higher than this level job. I’m not sure how much, but the best part of the compensation of the whole deal is getting an up close view on certain parts of the legal system that are usually considered “confidential”. Lots of processes are obscured to keep criminals from exploiting them, which I get, but it means it takes a lot more effort to break into the industry
I don’t think I’ll feel that I’ve peaked until I’m at the director or sub director level, and that looks like it’s over a decade away. Then again, I’m not a very good estimator of when an agency needs my skills. I never thought this one would look at me. If it works out, I’ll have to change parts of how I consider myself and treat myself.
but damn would it be worth it. That is, if I have an accurate estimation on who I’m dealing with. Always have to allow for error. But if they aren’t who I think they are, figuring out how they convince people would be just as interesting a challenge.