I’ve been wrestling with what it is that bothers me so much about this interview next week. What’s different? I’m way more invested than usual, for one. I’d really like the job.
The thing I realized though, I never once respected my former employers. Not a one of them. All of them were varying degrees of corrupt, and every time it felt like a faustian bargain; You try not to let me find out how corrupt you are, and I’ll try and ignore it.
but I realize now, it’s scary, the idea working for someone who has integrity and ethics. Their criticism would actually land for one. Most of the time it’s like when I worked concessions at the theater; Okay, you’re yelling at me becuase I’m not filling your soda fast enough, fair, but you just spent three times what that soda is worth, neither of us have much claim to dignity or high ground.
If they’re a good employer though, they’ll work with that. If they aren’t, or if they just aren’t ready to be that for me, then they won’t. That simple, that binary.
In that I am in the situation, I deserve to be exactly that much. If they let me into the next door, it goes with it that I presumeably met the standard. It’s not letting that doubt mess me up, that’s the trick I’m still working on.
Maybe I’ve finally changed enough of myself that I’m ready for an employer I respect. Stranger things do happen.
trying to calm my overthinking mind;
Horses are pretty big John, you fall off of one of them anything is liable to happen. Well, not anything. This clock isn’t about to become prime minister just because someone’s fallen off a horse, I didn’t mean anything in that sense.
Also, I finished my second and final in print book of this authors, and now I am completely read up on all of his written work, and that’s a strange sad feeling. Most authors aren’t worth reading in the middle of the day, but this one was, I’ll miss that.