I hate what I am. What I let myself become. But I suppose a part of me also loves it. Otherwise I wouldn’t still be clinging on.
There’s so many things you can do in life, so many things you can be. And I chose this. Maybe not consciously. But still.
Pretty much my entire adulthood, I haven’t really been trying to live. I’ve been too busy running from myself.
Because for all that time, it’s been clear. No matter what I do from this point on, I’ll always be a piece of shit.
So why bother? Why try? Why take care of your health and your body? Why learn new skills or try to build relationships? Why have any respect for yourself, if you know no one else would? Why try to better yourself, if you’ll never be worth anything? If you’ll always be alone with what you’ve done, and what you are.
I’m so sick of this. It’s such a waste of life. But I can’t be anything else. I can’t be anyone else. I can’t delete this messed up shit from my mind. I can’t forget. I can’t let go.
2 comments
Well, you don’t have to love yourself to not bring destruction on yourself. Ah maladaptive behavior, why do we do it? To do something I suppose. We are conditioned to try and make something of this life, it is deep in almost every educational institution.
So when you lament your lack of direction, lack of purpose, know these instituions failed you, what you were conditioned for was not a rational or realistic reality.
what you lack, and I also lack it, is sufficient self malice to be really motivated to do away with ourselves. So we muddle along. Any attempt at improvement is just an attempt to muddle along slightly less frustratingly. SLIGHTLY is the key word here. For it to be enough…… that takes a doubling down on the illusion of purpose.
The trick, I think, is to find the deception that works for you, the lies that make you live a life that is tolerable. I haven’t found it, but this is my understanding of how it works for “healthy” people.
You don’t have to love yourself, but if a large enough part of you hates yourself, I think it does tend to drive you off the rails. “Death-drive” and all that.
I can’t really blame institutions when I’ve screwed up in such a rare and complete manner. If everyone else is more or less fine, then the problem lies within you.
I think the point about “healthy deceptions” is that you don’t know they’re lies. You really believe them. Once the bubble is burst on that, I think you’re kind of fucked. You’ve got to find something real to cling on to, or at least something real enough to convince you.