I had a strange dream, and it got me thinking about something I observed about a different type of anti social behavior; when you’re the one experiencing the anti social tendency, you tend to sell it as a positive.
I don’t trust anyone at all, including myself. This is years of trauma and frustration manifest. So when I meet a true believer, someone who trust the world and themselves, I recoil. It’s probably why I like the mentally ill and developmentally disabled; the world has failed them, so I don’t have to work to explain how someone who appears trustworthy can rip your heart out. It’s common experience
I’m on a new medication, which might be part of it. Yet I had a dream last night of a group trying to indoctrinate me, and I recoiled as I always do, but I kept pulling back until I neutralized the threat, until I proved them shallow and unconvincing.
when I woke up, I thought about how that was my rock, what I have built whatever sanity I’ve managed on. I thought about how being hard to indoctrinate, and expecting gaslighting was a good thing.
That’s where I stayed for a long time. But after sitting with that thought long enough, I wondered if it might also be what’s wrong with me. I don’t trust, and I don’t believe while others seem to so easily. Maybe that’s why I have so much trouble finding a place, because the world is set up for trusting people.
I went to the grocery store, which happened to be one of my disasterous electrician gigs not too long ago. The scars are starting to heal, but I thought about how I don’t have it in me to work in that environment. How certain organizations I can barely tolerate enough to function in society. It takes a lot to break my love for technical problem solving, but that job did it. That was the point I started to consider maybe I didn’t have what it took to be an electrician.
The evil is all around me, clad in the dull colors of everyday business…. and I’m just trying to keep my head together, don’t get too caught up in that there are……… see I want to say demons. It’s almost psychotic, how much I hate and distrust people who have given themselves over to the company they work for. They ARE people under all of that, even if it hurts to admit it.
so I ask again, is my distrust and mysanthropy a strength or a weakness? a positive or negative?
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I don’t know if I’d consider it a positive or a negative. It just kind of is. The reason we like people who have the same outlook on life as us is because we can relate to them more and them to us. People like being around people like them. That’s how it’s always been. It does make it harder to let others into our lives. Others who have different views on the world. But it’s not impossible. Just strange. Doesn’t hurt to let someone in with a completely different world view as us. Might be enlightening.
“so I ask again, is my distrust and mysanthropy a strength or a weakness? a positive or negative?”
>>I have the same issue. It’s not a weakness, however it is a negative. ppl who are trusting of others and of the world are happier. Ppl like us distrust, and yes it does protect us from bad ppl as we’re more realistic and have our eyes open, but being distrustful is like a heavy burden. we are realists. but being ignorant really is bliss.
It astounds me how innocent the average human is, they see something slightly horrifying and suddenly it’s “How can the world be so cruel”
and I’m over here, you idiots have no idea, and you don’t want to either
once you’ve seen some things, there’s no going back to the apple pie disney world reality that apparently the majority of humans live in
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And another thing! It seems to me the deeper that I get into the darkness, the more comfortable I am there. I applied to work for a police department, because seeing the horrors they do daily would soothe me considerably.
even this supposed down time I’ve had, I’ve been taking a steady diet of horrible stories, because I don’t know how to live in a world without them
what kind of things have you seen?
mostly sexual assault and drugs stuff, involving kids. I don’t want to go more detailed than that because A; I hope it’s rare, and B; most people would wake up in the night screaming, secondary PTSD is a thing.
The worst stuff is what parents have done to their own children, because there’s a natural instinct to protect your child (I know you wouldn’t think it, but things would be way darker without it), so dragging your kid into some seriously dark and perverted stuff is about as evil as it gets.
Maybe it’s because I don’t care if it’s consenting adults, and there’s no shortage of consenting adults. But when you do it to your child, that imprints on their love map, they think that’s “love”
“because there’s a natural instinct to protect your child”
>>Yeah, I’m not too sure about that. There’s WAY too many shitty parents who neglect/abuse/fuck up their kids for this to be true.
Also, the whole “maternal” instinct is all bunk. People think women automatically love babies and know how to take care of babies/kids, but they don’t. It’s not inborn. Too many shitty mothers who don’t gaf about infants/kids for there to be a “maternal” instinct.
IDK, you’re way more positive than me. After the shit I’ve seen and witnessed in my own personal life, as well as with ppl I know, plus reading statistics and research on all the ills in society- I don’t know how you can still be positive and have hope for the human species. Great for you I suppose. I just don’t believe in “humanity” anymore.
well good on you on still wanting to help ppl i guess. i’ve given up on humans. every time i’ve been nice or helped others, it only leads to me getting taken advantaged of or used/manipulated. so no more.
also, all the “help” organizations like The Red Cross or FEMA or whatever- they’re all scams when you look deep into where the money actually goes. -_-
It astounds me how innocent the average human is, they see something slightly horrifying and suddenly it’s “How can the world be so cruel”
>>UGH, I wish I was that stupidly innocent. Most ppl have cushy lives- by cushy I mean they haven’t had to experience even 1% of what I had to. Lucky ass bastards. OH- and THEY are the ones always complaining about the stupidest shit too. Like if THAT minor ass thing is the biggest/worst thing you’ve had to see/experience, then I WISH I had that kind of sheltered/cushy life.
“I applied to work for a police department, because seeing the horrors they do daily would soothe me considerably.”
>>You are a sick puppy, lol jk jk. How does it soothe you? Why would you want to work in a place that constantly sees horrors?
Me- seeing all the horrors would make me snap and wanna shoot everyone.
i just watched 2 Karen compilations back to back, and I couldn’t take it. IDK how you actually WANT to work around crazy stuff O_o. But hey, if that’s your cup of tea…
I worked in a mental hospital with children, and in state child welfare, which in terms of density were worse. Every single case dealt with children, and most of them were so awful….. I honestly didn’t know that “normal” children outnumbered the disturbed until a few years ago.
I’m still unraveling it, the hunger I get when I think I might encounter some truly original or interesting darkness. I used to volunteer to work overnight shifts, because that was filing, and I’d read the client files, still the most potent horror I’ve ever read. Then you get to meet the bastard you read about……. can you imagine meeting Captain Hook? Darth Vader? And they don’t know that you know the worst things they’ve ever done?
and most of these guys, they make Darth Vader look like a pansy. Maybe it’s a masculinity thing, I always win in those “I did the dirtiest job” contests that men tend to get into.
“Oh you worked for the sewer department? I showed up at crime scenes, I think that wins”
“I’ve been taking a steady diet of horrible stories, because I don’t know how to live in a world without them”
>>Well that part I understand. A lot of ppl watch horror shows, either real true crime, or fiction. IDKW but a lot of ppl do. (I watch a lot of dark stuff myself.
It’s weirdly fascinating, isn’t it? Especially the true crime stuff. It’s like when there’s a car accident on the road, and everyone wants to stop and look.
But watching is one thing. I wouldn’t want to work or volunteer at a place where crazy/horrible shit is the norm.
this just reminded me of a quiz i wanted to take again on clearerthinking.org : “Primal World Beliefs”