I swear, I was almost to the point that I could portray myself as emotionally well balanced. After all, I’m well liked, and I like myself. Really my one fault is my career, and I’m working on that.
This is going to be a story of effective therapy, because what therapy does better than anything else is hold up a mirror to parts of the self that are laying low from your own awareness.
What’s weird is that I don’t know how we got there. She was talking about how I’m a very emotionally reserved person, and I reflected that yes, I am. So she inquired as to whether I avoided emotions, and I got to talk about my method of exposure; when I find something that makes me feel, I expose myself to it over and over until it doesn’t. It’s been this way as long as I can remember.
I guess when you live your life inside walls you built, you just get used to them. Feeling is a mistake, and I stand by that.
and I got to discussing some of my big failures, the big times I fell flat on my face, my breakdown in 2016, my failure in 2022 to become an electrician. I don’t put myself in a vulnerable place like that often. It’s kind of liberating. I feel like Spock in whatever episode that he slapped Kirk around. That had to be a relief.
But most of the time, I’m logical, tactical, measured. I don’t even think I want to stop.
But it’s interesting to me, that normal people think having feelings is healthy, is normal. I mean I guess. It’s normal not to get enough sleep, doesn’t make it healthy. I get enough sleep, normalcy be damned.
but I’m not an oddball for the divergence, for the purpose of being different. I’m odd because it’s the only way I know how to be, because when other paths are offered this is the only one that makes sense.
Truth is, I’m having some very deep emotions about a few things right now. So deep I can’t express them in life. One, a man in Washington DC decided to end himself, in protest of a war. I wish I could have talked to him. Not necessarily to stop him, just so that someone could have gotten his story. I identify with the guy, given different circumstances I could have done the same thing. Second, a young person died after being beaten in a school bathroom. Something that DID happen to me at some point, not the death part, the first part. Maybe I envy them, adulthood isn’t such a great thing. Maybe I’m irritated how nothing changes. I’m really bothered by how some people are making it a way to opress others.
but I’m digesting these. I just tried to talk about them, and I doubt that it will speed the digestion of either of them. So why talk about them? What’s the point?
So maybe it’s better to appear unfeeling. I’m applying for jobs that are broadly speaking “political”, so I can’t be “seen”. Maybe someday it’ll be safe, but not today.