We only have 2 choices in life- either to off oneself, or if we’re to live, then we need to hustle and do everything we can to better our life. But the thing that is so damaging about depression is that when you are super depressed, you don’t do jack shit to better your life. Like just doing simple things like showering or eating becomes tedious/difficult, let alone being proactive and taking steps to achieve this this or that.
But what if we’re zombies- hating our lives, depressed AF, and not doing jack shit to improve our lives? It’s the fucking worst, bc you know you MUST do something. Doing nothing means staying where you are, in your life where you are stuck and is shitty. But depression means it’s literally hard af to drag your ass out of bed.
And in my case, it’s hard to drag my ass out of bed is bc I have no hope- like why?? I don’t see a rainbow, I don’t see a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. All I see is (likely) more shit. Yes, I know logically if I don’t do anything to change anything, life will continue to be shit. But I’m so tired- it’s not like I *haven’t* tried my whole life. I’m fucking tired of it all resulting in the same shit.
And yet, it’s so tough to end it all. To completely give up and call it quits. And let the Universe win against you. A part of me doesn’t want to go with my tail between my legs, giving up via suicide. I want one last FUCK YOU to the Universe before I go, whatever that may be.
But again, depression means you don’t do shit except feel like shit and inactive as hell.
I wake up tired. I go to bed tired. Like physically, not just depression in my head. I have health issues so I literally have no fucking energy.
IDK, I need help. This trajectory I’m on isn’t sustainable. I’m only getting sicker being here in this shit environment. But bc I’m in a shit environment, it’s made me sick. When you’re physically sick and drained, it’s so hard to “pull yourself up” and do all that needs to be done, when I literally have problems walking, eating, breathing, etc due to health issues. FML. Just FUCK this FUCKING UNIVERSE.
I can’t take this shit anymore. 40+ years of hell. Not living but can’t die either. FML.
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I only know what worked for me, finding the smallest light I could, and holding on for all I’m worth. Little things I do, to keep myself alive, no better place to look than my pile of books. When I finish one, I go find another, and add it to the pile. They’re being published faster than I can keep up, with each day my pile grows deeper
so that’s the silly reason I keep going. That next book. It might be a masterpiece, it might be a fucking trainwreck. but I won’t know until I turn the page. Right now, being sick, reading is one of the few things I can actually do. I don’t even have the focus for video games or to weave paracord bracelets. But the worse things are on this side, the sweeter the escape. I just read a 280 page book about some unpleasant people being stuck in a shack in the forest, stalked by nameless horrors. but I knew, any time over the past few days, that this life gets too much, I could drown my sorrows in the imagination of another.
Of course it amuses me to no end that this “horror” situation sounds pretty dreamy to me. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. I’d give almost anything for a defineable villain to fight….
imagine your cold never goes away, and you’re sick every single day like this. this is my life. this is life with chronic illness. you slowly break down mentally (and physically). i used to have a light, but after all these years and decades of absolute shit, that light is barely a dot, a blur, if that.
it’s hard to describe to someone who’s healthy. i used to be healthy and depressed. then i got sick and got a little more depressed. but was still able to function. but neither of those are anything like what it is now. to be sick for SO long, it wears away at your soul. there’s not much left :'(
I was rereading my replies, and I wanted to let you know that I’m still trying to figure out the answer to some of these questions. I don’t know what thing it is in me, but when I encounter a problem no one has been able to solve….. maybe it’s ego, but I want to try and solve it.
I’m still challenged by your case. Not that I think of you as a case, but the raw problem is…. different than I’ve seen before. You’re willing to put in the work, or seem so to me, and I was trained to believe that anyone willing to put in the work could be rehabilitated. Maybe yours will be the case that disproves that for me. But I’m still a sucker enough for punishment not to give up.
I believe you have something to offer, some part to play in this world, everyone does. That cheapens it doesn’t it? Most people into the self improvement sphere only want to work with people near the end of the process, and it’s being frustrated with that which drives me.
I believe you want to get better, and that being the case I believe you will. I’m not sure how yet. It’s a hell of a situation, and it’s understandable to feel defeated in it. You aren’t though, as long as that spirit and desire for better lives in you. As long as some part of you says it should be better, should be different, I at least see some hope in the situation.
Anyway, long way for me to say I know I’m missing the mark, but with a little luck and some effort I hope to correct that.
“You’re willing to put in the work, or seem so to me, and I was trained to believe that anyone willing to put in the work could be rehabilitated. ”
>>THIS is WHY I am so fucking angry and bitter. NO ONE tried and worked as HARD as I did to try to dig myself out of poverty, to give myself a better life, only to get shit on time and again and again and again and again. At a certain point, it’s the straw that broke the camel’s back. This is what happened. And now, bc I am bitter and feel defeated, this makes getting out even HARDER. bc i tried SO many times, and failed, bc this world is shit, it’s really hard to get back out there and fight. and with each passing year, and with each passing illness, and with my health getting worse and worse, that “fight” or “light” in me grows dimmer and dimmer and dimmer, to the point where right now, there’s hardly any light. i know if the light gets snuffed out, it’s over for me. hell, maybe the light did get snuffed out, idk. i don’t really have that “fight” in me anymore. that is the problem. the last few years really took a toll on me, both physically and mentally. and idk how to claw myself out of it when i barely have any “oomph” left. like a car on empty. or a bicycle who’s wheels are all dented and bent, yet i must climb on that shit bicycle and try to get to a destination 5000 miles away. it’s kinda like that. -_-
it’s like those Chinese water tortures- all they have to do is tie you up and have a tiny bit water slowly drip on your forehead- drip, drip, drip, drip- but that drip NEVER ends, it goes on for days and days and weeks and months until the person FINALLY breaks. and break every single person eventually shall. some ppl break in a few days. others may take months. but eventually everyone breaks. they just keep at it until you break.
it’s like that with chronic illness. being sick for a few days is one thing. being sick for months is one thing. being sick for a few years even is one thing. but being sick for DECADES with NO fucking relief? quite honestly, i’m surprised i haven’t gone insane. i’m damn near about to go berzerk…
Ya that’s a real tough one for me Eternal, I don’t know how you do it.
Just when I feel like the biggest victim in life and felt I was treated so unfairly, I see others who’ve had it worse and keep going.
I’ve suffered from a few medical conditions where the pain was so intense, my body would tremble and I could barely move to do things…luckily I know my body well and at one time I knew I had an infection that made my issue even more painful.
My retarded doctor didn’t believe me but he prescribed the meds anyways and I fought off that infection and got better though I still had the underlying condition.
It’s a wonder how some of these azzholes get their medical degrees…had I not gotten those antibiotics, I would’ve been in a much worse situation…but I would’ve gone to a different doctor anyways…I did eventually stop seeing that moron too. He was an arrogant old prick on top of it, he was being paid like a frigging king but unqualified to do his job.
Thankfully my issue also healed up on it’s own, though I suffered for a few years…the other option was surgery but the specialist they recommended looked sketchy and so were the online reviews left by his patients…so I’m glad I didn’t go that route.
This was long before Maid was available…but also my condition was curable through surgery…however if I had an incurable condition…depending on the severity, I’d go the Maid route. If it was something tolerable, then I’d live with it.
But I’d say my pain threshold is less than others….like I won’t put myself through years of suffering unless I know I’ll be ‘fine’ at the end of it…esp. if it’s severe.
i used to drown myself into books when i was younger, in my childhood years. but it doesn’t work now as an adult. i’m far too jaded and hateful about life that i can’t even escape into a book, movie, documentary, or dream. hell, once i couldn’t sleep anymore due to car accident, i could no longer escape into my dream world.
“I’d give almost anything for a defineable villain to fight….”
>And what if that villain is ourselves?
Viking, respect man, I’m a book-lover too…a well written book is just phenomenal. However I used to read a lot when I was younger and then gave up once I got my degree…got burnt out from reading so much. (Additionally my life issues come first for now…maybe if in the future I have lots of free time again, I’ll pick up reading again also.)
But I was able to enjoy that ‘carefree luxury’ because my mom took care of the bills and I never had to think about such real life issues and I’ll always be grateful to her for that.
The escapism is nice-right now I do it through video games (primarily a FPS game)…but at the same time I also believe it’s important to deal with life issues so that we can get to a better place…so there’s more time for relaxation after.
it took awhile to come back, and it was different than in childhood. I used to be satisfied with happy stories, now if there isn’t some complicated reckoning with the nature of reality I’m unsatisfied. Lots of bad books, more bad than good, hundreds of the blasted things before I started finding good ones.
and even then, it’s chasing a high that I may well not get. but the chances are higher with that than anything real or concrete I might do. Except write, I really should write.
I relate to a lot of this, as we’ve previously discussed. I suppose the realistic answer is you do what little you can, when you can, when you have the mental clarity to do so. The rest of the time, you just continue on drifting through life, at least if you’re like me.
I do think there’s something to the idea of a “positive upwards spiral”. That is, if you can find small things to slightly improve your energy or mood or health, you can then invest that extra capacity in bigger improvements. But that depends on first having the mental wherewithal and focus to identify the positive steps, the motivation to stick with them, the will to resist more established behaviour patterns.
Ultimately, you can only do what you can do. There’s no point beating yourself up about it or stressing over it. Though you may be unable to avoid doing that.
i haven’t been able to get the “oompf” to get going, to get started. that is the problem. i don’t really have a *reason* like others- i don’t have family, friends, s/o. hell, i don’t even have a pet (my allergies make sure i am sick and alone). the problem is, i can’t just pull “motivation” out of my ass.
i know logically i MUST do something, but reality is different from the brain knowing. i just feel so damn depressed about life, i can barely go from day to day let alone muster all that energy to change my life.
hell, i don’t even know where i should expat to (mexico or ecuador)? both have their pitfalls. i haven’t found THE best place for me to go to (and it probably doesn’t exist given my lack of income) so it’s hard to plod along when whatever decision i make isn’t exactly what i want (i would love to expat to Hawaii or some nice place for once, but obviously can’t afford it, and my health makes it so i can’t expat to most places, like the carribbean, SE asia, etc).
like i don’t have something i really want to go after…hence i’m not getting after it.
Yeah, very much feel the same most of the time. I do have parents who love me, who I see maybe once every couple of weeks. And it does make a small difference – I sometimes notice my sense of purpose increase a bit after I’ve seen them, and my thinking grows a little clearer. It connects me more on an emotional level to the main reason I tell myself I should keep going – that it would hurt them a great deal if I didn’t. I do tell myself that constantly, but it’s usually only after I’ve seen them that I actually feel it a bit. And that sometimes gives me the drive to live a little more productively, for a short while. Unfortunately, on occasions where we see each other more often, the effect quickly wears off, as the differences between us become clearer.
The reality is I need friends and other positive influences in my life, to fill the gap and provide that kind of reinforcement on a daily basis. And that’s not something I feel capable of finding. I’ve thought about getting a pet, but I don’t think I can afford one right now, amongst other reasons.
I suppose a lot of the time none of the options open to you feel “good”, or even “good enough.” There’s just the choice between “bad” and “worse”. And it’s very hard to force yourself to make a decision, because whatever you choose, it feels like you’re getting it wrong. And then if things go badly, maybe it’s your fault.
And usually, not making the choice at all is the worst thing you can do. But I find it incredibly hard to choose something that feels bad. Procrastination/delay usually feels more comfortable. You can tell yourself that a better option’s going to come along, or you’ll learn some new information about existing options that will set your mind at ease and make the choice feel better.
so what do i do? i’m just sitting here rotting away bc i don’t have the motivation to go after a “less bad” choice than where i am now. and if motivation were that easy to pull out, you and i wouldn’t still be where we are now.
and btw, i’m STILL sick- I caught an infection FROM the goddamn hospital, which has rendered me fucking sick for the last 4 damn weeks, and I’m STILL coughing and hacking up phlegm. That is a legitimate excuse but I can’t really use that as an excuse bc even when THIS infection clears, I am still chronically sick and will always feel sick and fatigued and worn even if I don’t have an active infection, bc that is what chronic fatigue and chronic illness is- always fucking sick.
I can’t explain it to a healthy person, but it’s like you have the worst flu of your life, only it NEVER ends. it’s kind of like that. except way worse bc what i have isn’t just a flu. but a flu is what normal ppl can understand.
anyway, idk, part of me blames myself for NOT going after shit and doing what i need to do, but am i being too harsh on myself when I *AM* in fact fucking sick 24-7? like even if that were true, which it is, my brain KNOWS that i need to get out of here to get healthier, as staying here is ONLY making me sicker, and i NEED to pull myself out of here if I want to fucking survive.
So despite being sick as a dog, I *HAVE* to pull myself out. And I am hacking up a lung as I am typing this. SO realistically, am I even able to? Even if I am determined and not depressed.
I am hating myself for stupidly moving here, and now I can’t fucking get out. I was sick when I moved here and now thanks to mom’s shitty house and her disgusting dirty habits, I am SO much more sick now than before I came here. Like orders of magnitude worse. And my legs and skin are permanently damaged. -_-
a large part of me HATES MYSELF for
1- stupidly moving here in the first place and
2- not being strong enough to get myself out of this situation
3- not having confidence in myself that I can make it overseas on my own
it’s all adding to my depression, on top of my real health issues.
Hmmm… 4 weeks sounds like a long time for a chest infection to clear. Do you have any kind of diagnosis/treatment plan for that, or sign that it’s improving at all? I suppose if you think that can be remedied then it might make sense to delay any move until it clears up.
If alternatively you determine it’s just part of the “new normal”, I guess only you can assess whether you’re physically capable of moving while constantly coughing etc. (unless you can find a professional you trust to help you with that assessment?) I don’t know how physically straining it would be for you, or what might happen if you push your body harder than it can take. If you think you’re likely to collapse/pass out during the process, then maybe it seems like a non-starter.
If you do decide that moving is something you’re physically capable of (or a risk you need to take regardless), then in terms of motivation, perhaps it would help to set yourself a deadline to decide? Realistically, how long do you need to weigh up your options? If it feels like there’s nothing tangible that makes one seem less bad, then it makes sense to just pick one at random. Or stay where you are, if that seems like the least bad option. But decide, one way or the other. Indecision means part of your mind is going to be constantly chewing it over in the background, doubting, sapping whatever energy you have. Once you decide, that part of your mind is more free to focus on the execution.
Hating or blaming yourself is unlikely to help, though you may be unable to stop. Every choice you made was for a reason, that made sense to you at the time. No one has even close to perfect knowledge of the potential impacts of their choices. It’s all ultimately a guessing game. Be as kind with yourself as you can.
that’s part of the reason why i’m so pissed. i go in to the ER/hospital to get rid of my infection, only to GET an infection coming out. yes, 4 weeks is a fucking long time. it’s a fucking bad one. OFC i just HAD to catch a horrible one. OFC. that’s just my fucking luck.
and this infection on my skin, idk if they even got rid of it on my leg, bc it’s turning red and itchy again. while i was in the hospital, they treated me like crap. everything is a fucking fight. everything is me against the fucking universe. why can’t i go to the hospital and be treated like a human being? i saw such unfairness at the hospital- some patients got treated like fucking gold. and the other 80% got ignored. like there were patients (like my 2nd roommate) who was 90yo who shit the bed and the nurses were supposed to come clean her. yet or NO ONE came for HOURS. and the room stank so horribly, never mind how unsanitary it is for poop so just sit there for hours. there were patients that would pee themselves bc the nurses would never fucking attend to them. at the time, i needed a cup to pee in myself bc i couldn’t bend my legs to use the bathroom (and the bathrooms were so fucking disgusting there was no way i was going to use the toilet). and so they had patients there sitting in their own piss for hours. and then i see how they treat my FIRST roommate- the b,itch that gave me the chest infection. i mean, that wasn’t her fault but the fault of the head nurse who purposely put her in MY room, rather than sticking her in someone else’s room. OFC no one else was hacking up a lung EXCEPT for the girl they chose to put in MY room. fucking hell. those nurses were so shitty to me. wouldn’t let me go to the bathroom, yelled at me for peeing in a cup bc it was a waste of a cup (a plastic water pitcher) as that’s the only way i can pee on my own without help since i couldn’t bend my legs. and since they didn’t want to give me those cups, they ofc didn’t want to wipe me or take me to the bathroom either. well which is it- do you want me to pee on my own or do you want to wipe me? i had a fucking nightmare of a time there. AND i’m not even sure my infection is gone. -_-
anyhow, so this is what happened:
1- i had a bacterial infection which i thought was just a fungal infection. didn’t seek help for 2.5 weeks bc i HATE drs, hospitals, ERs, etc. bc they’ve all treated me so inhumanely in the past, multiple multiple times.
2- i FINALLY went to a dermatologist (physician assistant) to have it looked at. b,itch told me all it takes is 1 week of antibiotics. it did take 5 for the lab to come back so it wound up being 2 weeks on antibiotics. but the infection wasn’t going away. i brought it up with her and she fucking dismissed me like “well you took the antibiotics so there is NO WAY you still have an infection.” as if bacteria has never developed a resistance of antibiotics or that it takes some ppl LONGER to get rid of an infection, bc it varies with ppl. fucking c.unt think she knows everything and is so arrogant. she sends me home telling me there’s no fucking way there’s still an infection.
3- less than hours later, my wound on my face is OOZING with pus. the infection is OBVIOUSLY still there.
4- I go see another physician’s assistant in that practice. she sees the infection and tells me i can either wait to see the dr in their practice or i can go to the ER and get an IV antibiotic. i was like WTF. the first PA NEVER told me i had an option of going to the ER and getting the IV instead of doing 2 weeks of the oral antibiotic which obviously wasn’t strong enough to kill the bacteria.
5- i wait like 4-5d, saw the dr in the practice, and he basically parrots the 1st PA, gaslighting me and telling me i have NO infection and that the redness on my skin is eczema (which it is not).
6- 2d later, the wound in my leg is now OOZING pus, meaning the infection is STILL clearly there.
7- i call the practice to relay a message to ask the dr what i should do. i do not hear from him for several days.
8- that same night, i did a google search and the NIH article said for my specific bacterial infection, that this particular bacteria has NO documented cases of JUST the oral antibiotic working, that the ONLY cases of it being cleared was with IV antibiotic. the second i read that i decided to go to the ER.
9- i then go to the ER and the ER dr saw how bad it was and that i needed to be admitted and be on IV antibiotics for several days, bc that’s how bad it was.
10- then i was handed off to the attending physicians and they were such assholes to me. as well as the shitty nurses.
so A- not only was the 1st PA a fucking arrogant c.unt who thinks she knows everything, not only did the oral antibiotic not work, not only did she not believe my infection was still there, but the wounds i had were SO bad, she should’ve told me to go to the ER and NOT tell me to just take a weak ass pill for a week. i lost THREE whole weeks due to that, and meanwhile the infection was raging and spreading. she should have told me like that 2nd PA and given me an option to go to the ER, where you have to go in order to get the IV antibiotic. but NO, that shitty c.unt didn’t tell me, and gaslit me by saying this infection is fine, all i need is 1 little week on antibiotic. meanwhile every week i came in, the infection never cleared. 3 whole weeks of pain and suffering and infection spreading. and then the dr in the practice is just as bad, parroting the same “you don’t have an infection” spiel and telling me it’s fucking eczema. fucking ridiculous.
anyhow, i go to the ER and the 2 ER drs were great. but then the 2 hospital physicians i got were so fucking shitty as well as the fucking nurses.
and when it was time for discharge, i refused to leave bc i felt like i still had the infection. and ofc they now have blacklisted me bc i refused to leave (i stayed 1 extra day and the lady marked on my patient record that in order to be admitted again in the future, that my case needed to be reviewed by a team of drs first, as opposed to normal route of coming in to the ER, and letting the ER dr determine if i need to be checked in. meaning if it goes to a review, unless i’m fucking dying, i won’t be admitted. and this is not just one hospital, it’s a whole hospital chain. there isn’t a whole lot of options here, especially since the other hospitals are even WORSE.
anyhow, i’ve been fucking battling this bacterial infection since fucking nov 28 2023 and i might still have it, even after oral AND IV antibiotics. i might have needed a few extra days on IV antibiotics to kill the bacteria. if i still have an infection, then i am screwed bc NO ONE will fucking believe i have an infection and do anything about it, all bc the fucking shitty dermatologists said it was eczema. if a wound is oozing pus, it clearly isn’t fucking eczema! fucking arrogant assholes.
so if i do still have the infection, i’m screwed. i can’t get IV antibiotic unless i get admitted and getting admitted in-patient is hard. getting treated outpatient means taking oral antibiotics which are too weak and don’t work.
so there’s me dealing with all that. and then dealing with being sick as a dog bc that fucking girl gave me her cough/cold/lung infection. 4 fucking weeks and i’m still coughing. yes, i’m much “better” than i was 2 weeks ago when i was going through hell, but this cough is lingering and hasn’t gone away, and no, i refuse to go waste time and money to see another shitty dr who isnt going to do anything to actually help me. i fucking can’t stand the medical industry. all i’ve ever gotten was butchered and harmed by them.
i did see another dermatologist while i was at the hospital but he just agreed with the previous dermatologist, who agreed with the initial arrogant PA who was obviously WRONG saying it’s just eczema. eczema doesn’t ooze pus. now that the oozing has stopped, i can’t convince drs it’s not eczema.
if i go to another dermatologist, 1- it’ll take eons to get an appt 2- will cost me $30-70 in uber costs and 3- likely treat me the same and i’m so tired of being treated subhuman. you have no idea how dehumanizing some of these assholes treat you. well, at least how they treat ME.
if i was white male and dressed upper middle class, i would be treated different. and no, i’m not one of those types that scream discrimination. it’s a gender thing more than a race thing. females generally as viewed as being hypochondriacs, so we’re never taken serious. there are thousands of studies that corroborate this. and being female AND minority- i have a MUCH higher chance of my ailments being ignored. this happens to many of white female friends/online buddies who also have chronic health issues. they get ignored and treated like shit too.
anyhow, now that the oozing has stopped, idk if what i have is an infection or something else. the redness only appeared the last 2d. the itchiness started a few days before that. and the 2 weeks prior (after i got out the hospital, after the IVs) the wound seemed to look fine, not itchy and not red. but it’s disturbing that the itchiness and redness is coming back, and seems to be growing. it could be me using the apple cider vinegar causing irritation BUT i’ve used it for the last 3 years on my skin all over and it’s NEVER caused redness, especially more than 30min.
idk, the smart thing is to have another dr look at it, but appts are SO hard to get, and it’ll be WEEKS later. unless i go to my current place and see a different PA- can’t see a dr bc they’re all weeks too- can only see a PA. but it’s already been established that 2 out of 3 PA/Drs I saw there were horrible. And I don’t really trust a PA or nurse to know enough to determine if I have an infection still, and even if i still do, they can’t do anything bc the IV is ONLY through going to ER and then getting admitted. And like I said, I’m blacklisted from that whole hospital chain bc I refused to leave until 24 hours later bc my leg still didn’t feel right to me at the time. the problem is that this hospital chain is much better than the other hospitals here. the other ones are much worse, and they treat you even more inhumanely.
so idk. so far, i have put the antibacterial cream on since yesterday afternoon (been 16 hours so far) and am seeing if the redness goes away or gets less. if it does, then idk if that means i do still have a bacterial infection still if the cream works. logic would say so. but spider veins and eczema can also cause redness. so idk.
i am hesitant to leave the country if i still have the bacterial infection, bc it needs IV antibiotics. and definitely cannot travel if i am still coughing. they’d fucking quarantine me. so i am not going anywhere for at least 2 more months.
BUT there is a possibility i would get better medical treatment if went to mexico/ecuador and see their drs there. it wouldn’t be covered by insurance though. i mean there is also a possibility that i wouldn’t get the care i needed either there, if they don’t have the very specific IV antibiotic (OFC I had to contract a very rare bacterial infection and not a common one like everyone else does). and that i can’t speak spanish means it’s going to be hard to get the right treatment or me understanding what they’d be doing to me.
i know the novella i just wrote meanders from the stuff we’re talking about- about getting enough energy to expat the fuck out of here.
kudos to you if you actually read all of that above.
but god, i need help. and the idiot/arrogant drs here don’t do shit to help me other than make me feel subhuman and gaslight me. it’s been like this with drs for the past 21 year since i’ve been sick. and no, it’s not just me. yes i do have extra bad luck but every single person i met with a chronic illness has the SAME story i do, and yes, 80% of them are women (though men are not immune to be dismissed by shitty drs either).
That does sound horrible. It seems like you’ve decided you definitely can’t move while your chest infection is still lingering, but that it is slowly improving?
Regarding your skin infection, it does sound unusual for something that’s seemingly cleared up after antibiotics to reappear. I’m not at all familiar with skin infections, or using apple cider vinegar on skin. Is it safe to use near wounds/infected skin (I know some brands contain bacteria/yeast)? It seems sensible to try to book an appointment with a different doctor now, if it’ll be in a couple of weeks. Then could you maybe cancel if it’s resolved by then? And if it gets significantly worse in a way that makes it clear it’s not eczema/other minor issues, then it makes sense to go back to your current hospital. It seems unlikely to me you’d be able to get better treatment in a poorer country where you don’t speak the language, but if that was your assessment then I’d go with it.
So it sounds like you’ve decided you’re not moving until your cough has significantly improved, and you’re waiting to see whether your skin infection re-emerges. Which makes sense. I suppose all you can do in the meantime is make a decision on where to go when they do clear up, along with taking care of yourself while you recover.
Ya I think few people can understand depression from the ‘outside’…only those who’ve had it know its debilitating effects on one’s life.
I was depressed in my first couple of years of university…and I couldn’t understand my program, the days would fly by, tests/exams…and I was unable to keep up.
All I could do was to feel sorry for myself, my wretched life and I was just stuck in this hole. I was also very burnt out from high school-at the time I was living with my dad and I told him I needed a year off…to rest. He refused and said I either work or go to uni. I realized it was just bragging rights to his friends.
Then I thought by not doing my studies, I’m not punishing my father in any way, just myself and wrecking my life. So, I decided to give it one more semester in my very difficult program…. I also didn’t want to let it ‘defeat’ me, it would’ve been a blow to my ego. Turned out I did very well and so I decided to keep going.
In hindsight, it’s always been about my ego. I could’ve taken programs that were far easier, and maybe that would’ve led to well-paying jobs…like in finance…but I didn’t want to say I let the field I chose defeat me.
Additionally, there were some very ugly politics going on in my program and they doubled our courseload…which I’d say was illegal…so it became even harder to graduate. It was a real shit-show. I wish I could’ve walked away. All that hard work and suffering for absolutely nothing.
But ya depression is a terrible thing to suffer from, onto of the tasks that you need to do. It keeps you stuck in the same place, you’re unable to progress.
I got over my depression because I accepted that I wasn’t going to end myself…so I realized that I had to move forward, get my education and a good job. Also I didn’t want to be seen as a loser, uni dropout by others or to switch to another program.
In your case Eternal I get that you have other health issues on top of being depressed, so that makes it even harder….in my situation my health was ok so I was able to ‘pull myself up with my own bootstraps’ so to speak.
It is a good point that you raise…why do some of us keep living despite having such horrible lives…and also when change is so difficult.
I recall when I moved in with my mom, we barely made it and it was one of my lowest points in life…but I certainly would never abandon my mom or any close family members, but also, I didn’t want people I hated, like me dad to pity me after I died…maintain my rep seemed to matter more to me than ending my bad life.
To this day I’m still facing some major struggles…so long as I’m staying afloat, I’ll keep going, but I am in a precarious situation now with my job, but I’m doing what I can to make sure I don’t lose it. Such is life, one garbage struggle after another.
Some people have it way worse than us and some better…too bad we don’t have a system that makes us all equally doing ok/well.
*on top of the tasks…
*maintaining my rep…
I thought of something else you can do when you are a zombie; terrorize innocent townsfolk, eat their brains, though the second part might have gotten harder
eh, human brains are diseased, especially Americans. We’re dumb as shit yet think we’re “#1!”
@husk- continuing the convo here so it’s easier to reply.
well i have no choice but to stay in the meantime. even if i wanted to go anywhere, the fact that i’m still coughing is going to give ppl the creeps, and i’d be quaranteed and tested up to the wazoo. also, i can’t really do anything while being sick and coughing- feel like shit every day.
even when this infection clears, where do i go? i don’t have a clear definitive idea of WHERE to go. which country? mexico or ecuador? which city in mexico/ecuador? i’ve researched ecuador more than mexico but idk about ecuador. the problem is that there isn’t a delivery service like amazon you can order things, and if you can’t find it locally, it sucks. i hardly ever go to physical stores anymore, and in ecuador, it’s still all physical stores. very little delivery. if you can’t find it in a physical store, you’re kinda screwed. there is a delivery service where you can order from amazon and it delivers to some company and they deliver it to you, but it’s very expensive, and there’s stupid restrictions on shit, like you can’t order more than x3 of any item (like supplements), you can’t order most electronics, etc. plus it takes time to set up an account and for them to ship things to you. from the time you order to when you get it delivered, i may take 3-4 weeks. at best 2 weeks but i think 3-4 weeks is typical. which is not good but it’s doable if you’re living there long term. but i’ll only be there a few months (3-6mo) due to visa so if i’m there only short term, and it takes like 1 fucking mo to get my shipment, it’s not exactly good.
the problem with any overseas (or even local USA place) is that it takes a shit ton of time and energy to find what is near you and get situated. and that is hard for me since i can’t get around well. hell, the last 2 months i’ve left my apt like literally 2x. everything is ordered online- amazon, uber, ubereats. expensive af to do food delivery and amazon delivery sucks ass in my neighborhood. but it is there and available. not in ecuador and mexico. everything is like manual- you have to physically go to stores and shit. paying bills involve going to the bank and not just paying online with a click of a button. for someone who is sick, even a simple thing isn’t easy. and the main thing is setting up everything. once everything is set up, i can live whereever overseas, but it’s the initial finding where everything is, which isn’t easy not knowing the language and not being able to find everything on the internet, and involves being out and walking everywhere.
but i can’t stay here with my shit neighbors harassing me every fucking day, and my shit ass mom being a shit, and in a TINY ass fucking room where i can barely walk around or turn around in. Yes, its THAT fucking small. i have a tiny little path i can walk. and i don’t have a fucking stove.
anyway…it’s just shit living here. so i MUST leave. but leaving to go WHERE? if i had a place to go, i’d go. but i got nowhere to go and no one to help me. overseas is kinda scary on my own. i mean, it pisses me off to NO end bc something like this would NEVER stop me in the past. i often just picked up and relocated when i was younger, multiple times to multiple places, knowing NO ONE. but that was before i got hit by the car and had all these health issues whittle me away, physically and mentally. i used to be confident of my abilities. nothing was ever hard bc i believed i could do it, and i did do it all. but since getting so sick, i now don’t believe i can. and it’s not easy to just “make myself believe.” just like telling ourselves to “think happy” doesn’t work
idk- maybe i just need to get back to that mentality of “I can fucking do it”- but that’s easier said than done when you aren’t sure you can actually do it.
@husk- the bacterial infection is what worries me. this shit isn’t over. idk if i still have the bacterial infection or what it is that i have. in the “best” case scenario, it’s just eczema, but the way the redness and moves is the way bacteria grows and spreads, out from a center point. and it responds to prescription antibacterial cream, meaning it’s likely bacteria i still have.
idk where to go, what dr to see. every single place i go to treats me like shit and NO ONE fucking believes me. i mean the 2nd PA i saw and the 2 ER drs believed me, but the rest of the drs didn’t- the 1st PA and the 1st dermatologist at the same derm place, and the 2 hospital drs- who were incredible shits to me. oh, the derm at the hospital wasn’t helpful either- he just agreed with whatever the 1st dermatologist said, and that derm didn’t even bother to really listen to me bc he immediately parroted what the 1st PA said. So basically everything comes down to the 1st shitty PA. it all comes back to what *SHE* said. bc SHE, the PA and not even a dr, said it was eczema, then the in-house derm just agreed with her, and then the hospital derm just agreed with that dermatologist bc they just take whatever that dr says as the truth.
i absolutely still had the infection after seeing her and after seeing the derm dr. i absolutely needed the IV antiobiotic at the hospital. i absolutely still had the infection then.
but now idk if the bacterial infection is killed or it still isn’t. i don’t think it is gone bc of the way it spreads just like a bacteria does, outwards from a center point, but how the fuck am i going to convince drs when they hear a dermatologist saw me and tell me it’s just fucking eczema?
they literally treat me like a nut- almost every dr. bc if ONE dermatologist says it’s eczema, then by golly, a dr can NEVER be fucking wrong. and that fucker didn’t even listen to me. he came into the room already with the mindset of eczema bc that’s what the shitty 1st PA said. never mind that the 2nd PA AGREED that I still had the fucking infection. (the dr is close to the 1st PA, not the 2nd PA).
idk if the infection was actually killed- all i know is that i scratched the wound (which is technically healed) and that’s when it started getting red and growing. so that seems to suggest the infection in the wound was NOT killed off entirely. despite having 13 fucking IVs over 4d at the hospital. bc i had 13 IVs in 4d, they all think it killed off the bacteria. But the original ER dr had mentioned he wanted to put me on 2x/d over 10d, so 20 IVs over a longer period. But I was only given 4d bc the b!tch nurse told him I didn’t want to get admitted to the hospital (I only asked how long was the wait for a bed and asked if there was a better timeline than “6-36hr wait”) so I was probably changed to 4x, which is bad bc apparently bacteria has a self defense mechanism where they become dormant when they’re thrown antibiotics. and when the antibiotics stop, they regrow again. so i’m worried that’s what happened. 4d is not long enough. doing 2x/d for 10d produces better results than 3x/d for 4d, which is cramming all the antibiotics in all at once.
idk what to do. idk if there’s an infection or not but SOMEONE is going on there. I have SOMETHING.
I definitely do have fungal infection which needs to be taken care of but they’re not taking that seriously either. at the hospital, i couldn’t even get a word in edgewise about the fungus bc all they were concerned about was the bacterial infection. well i suppose fungus is an out-patient thing but it’d be nice to fucking FIND OUT if i have a fungal infection all over my skin. it’s not just on my foot – the problem is that it’s SPREAD to all parts of my skin. so i’m itchy everywhere. which is why it’s hard to distinguish if my itchiness is coming from the fungus or the bacteria or “eczema.”
@husk-
“Hospital readmissions have been associated with adverse outcomes and elevated financial costs to patients, families, and hospitals across the United States. Historically, nearly 20% of all Medicare discharges had a readmission within 30 days. ”
-NIH. May 12, 2022″
Well fuck me dead. 20 fucking % readmission. JFC. So 1 out of 5 ppl don’t get treated properly and get kicked out the hospital (hospitals make MORE money by kicking ppl out and then having either a re-admission or a new person admitted).
For ex- if 2 ppl stay 5d, they get paid WAY more than if they keep 1 person in for 10d. so hospitals in the USA routinely kick ppl out as soon as “they’re stable”- meaning they don’t fucking get RID of the problem, only half ass it and DELAY immediate crises.
@husk- I JUST WANT PROPER MEDICAL CARE!! WTF is that so fucking difficult? Ever since I got sick 21 years ago, it’s been a fucking shit show with drs, hospitals, ER, urgent care, labs, and again DR’S. god fucking damn. The fucking system MAKES you sick and KEEPS you sick bc it’s a FOR-PROFIT industry- NOT a healthcare industry. It’s a fucking rollercoaster you can’t get off once you get sick in America.
@husk- i can’t take this fucking shit. i know wishing doesn’t fucking help, but WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO BE BORN? I have SO much bad luck in life, since birth being born to shitty ass poverty stricken abusive parents. And then spend the next half of my life being sick and getting screwed healthwise, over and over again. This doesn’t even factoring in all the fucking assholes and cunts who tried to fuck me over. I WAS a nice person once, but now I’m just angry and bitter and hateful of humans (and justifiably so).
I can’t take this. There isn’t even ONE fucking GOOD thing in my life I can use to keep going, or to say life isn’t 100% shit.
Most ppl have parents, s/o, children, hell even pets, that keep them going, that bring love/goodness into their lives. I HAVE NONE.
I just want to have happy life, to be loved, and free from health issues and constant bad luck. That’s it.
But instead my life is nonstop pain and suffering, illness, and loneliness and depression. I can’t fucking take this shit. How is ONE person supposed to take ALL this? I get having SOME back luck and SOME bad things happen to you, but NONSTOP. It’s been 40 fucking years and I can’t fucking take it.
I suppose it might make sense for the wound to get re-infected if it got scratched, though I don’t know if that means it would be the same kind of infection. It could’ve been killed off entirely but then re-introduced, or it might be a more common kind of bacteria that got into to the wound when it was scratched.
Like I said, it seems sensible to try to book an appointment with a different doctor, and in the meantime wait to see how it develops. If it gets significantly worse then it should be easier to convince people it’s not caused by a more minor issue. As broken as the American healthcare system is, leaving it untreated doesn’t seem like an option. Unless again you think you could get better care elsewhere.
Darkness, I hear you, and I do empathise. Life isn’t fair, and you’ve been particularly unlucky. And certain kinds of bad luck do make you more vulnerable to other kinds of misfortunes and mistreatment going forward. And that wears you down, and changes how you relate to the world.
I wish there were something I could do to provide meaningful help, but I’m just a random arsehole on the internet, swamped by his own despair.
yeah, i think it definitely is infected. just woke up from a brief nap and it’s gotten redder the last few hours since the shower.
i just don’t know if it was killed and got reinfected, or if it was never killed off entirely. bc my face has never felt like it was healed. i mean, if it was healed, then my scratching it wouldn’t have done anything if all the bacteria was all killed off.
the redness is back. it was gone after the shower but that’s prolly bc a lot of the infected skin got washed off so my skin looked better after the shower.
idk if you’ve read where i said most of the other derms have bad ratings online. i just don’t want to book appts only get another shitty dr. and pay $$$. and with my health being the way it is (from the coughing and my chronic fatigue) i just feel too sick to come out to appts). i know that sounds ironic, but when you’re too sick to even come out to see drs…it’s fucked up. i’m so fucking fatigued. i can’t explain it to anyone healthy that makes sense. i have left the apt only once to get food the past 30d. and it was exhausting the 1 day i went.
i do have the antibacterial cream i can put on. i can opt to do that for the next several days and see if it clears up entirely. or go to the ER tomorrow morning or the next morning. idk, there’s something about going back to the ER/hospital within a 30d thing…not sure what it does for me, though it does get the initial hospital in trouble, which i DO want to do, for treating me like dogshit. and they put me on a blacklist/flagged my account bc i refused to be discharged bc i didn’t feel like the infection was gone (bc my face still felt like it had the bacteria on/in it).
that’s the thing, i get NO HELP from fucking drs other than gaslighting that i’m forced to tell my story to strangers online. i keep getting told it’s not an infection when it definitely feels like a fucking infection. if the infection was killed off from the oral antibiotics, then my wounds wouldn’t be oozing yellow pus. yellow pus generally means active infection. and it happened 2x, first with the shitty PA, then with the shitty dr who wouldn’t listen either. so for sure before i went to the hospital, i still had the infection bc the oral antibiotic didn’t kill it.
then the 2 drs at the hospital were nasty and shitty af to me. the last dr did the discharge and kept telling me the infection is gone, but my face still felt the same as it did when it was oozing yellow pus. only it wasn’t oozing anymore but it still felt wrong. same as it does now. 4d of IV antibiotic normally kills the bacteria but my face feels otherwise, and my leg looks like it’s infected after i scratched it. but if the leg had no more bacteria, then how did the bacteria get there? there shouldn’t be any bacteria on my fingernail. i mean the way and speed this bacteria is growing feels like it’s the same bacteria, not a new one. it just looks like the same one, but yes i could wrong and it could be a different bacteria that got in when i scratched.
the problems is that that wound was feeling funny and itchy, when the past 2 weeks prior, it wasn’t feeling itchy, which is WHY i scratched to begin with, which means there was something wrong before i scratched.
yes i know, you’re just a bloke on the internet. i’m not looking for solutions from a stranger. thanks for at least listening and making suggestions.
@husk- i just don’t know if what i have is a bacterial infection, or it’s a fungal infection mixed in with eczema. i still don’t buy the eczema thing but i definitely had a fungal infection b4 i even had the bacterial infection. fungal infection makes skin super itchy. but not red. and you can’t see it (unless it’s on your toenails).
this thing i still have feels and acts like a bacterial infection. eczema is supposedly inflamed skin that pops up randomly and in random spots. but this thing is ONLY on the spots where i had the bacterial infection, almost as if the infection is still there. and the redness and itchiness is spreading the way a bacterial infection would spread- start from a single focal point and it spreads wider and outwards. or in my case downwards my leg and onto my feet. and then the next day spread to my left calf. the left leg wasn’t itchy or red before that.
BUT the only difference now is that i don’t have the incessant urge to claw my skin off bc the bacterial infection made my skin itch so so so bad. i mean a fungal itch is 24-7 and is super fucking shitty, but the bacterial itch felt like murder. so that’s the only difference between then and now, but who knows if it grows more and there’s more bacteria, then it’ll feel like that again.
idk- for now it itches and LOOKS and spreads in a pattern the way bacteria does.
and my face started itching again same as when i had the bacterial infection on my face (only i try not to claw or scratch my face). so far i’ve kept the antibacterial cream on my face but took it off the leg.
once i put the antibacterial cream on the leg, after about 20 hours, the redness went down. i then wiped the antibacterial cream off, and within 4 hours the redness came back. i’ve since took a shower so much of the red skin got washed off. so idk if there was bacteria on the skin and it just got washed off- it feels like it.
all things to me point to a resurgence of a bacterial infection, except for the intense desire to claw my skin off on my leg. So the leg doesn’t feel horrible like it did a month ago.
But the skin on my left side of the face feels exactly the same as when I had the infection.
idk @husk. idk if i have a bacterial infection or just “eczema” mixed in with a fungal infection (which does need to be taken care of but i don’t want to be on antifungal medication for 2 years).
@husk- sorry for the barrage of messages with my shitstorm of a situation. thank you for reading ALL of my messages. I know it’s a lot. I appreciate you reading it all and responding (and for not telling me i’m batshit crazy, which i know my posts probably sound).
i am going out of my mind not knowing what to do. it’s so fucking hard to get an appt with a dermatologist, or even a PCP (tho PCP won’t know enough to help). and almost every single dr treats me like absolute shit. i can’t take it.
i wish i knew what it was, and yes, it’s a dr’s job to figure out what it is, but as i’ve clearly seen, some dr’s don’t fucking know what they’re doing. the 2 derms i saw were fucking WRONG. told me there’s NO infection when in fact there WAS. and if they’re wrong, what’s to say i still don’t have an infection now? what if i was taken off the IV antibiotic too soon (which i personally think i was). even though i had 3x/day for 4d so 12 total IVs and 1 initial injection. the ER dr had initially mentioned 2x/d for 10d…
as of right now, i’ve taken my shower and although there’s some itching all over my leg, it doesn’t feel THAT bad. idk if it feels OK for now ONLY bc i washed off a lot of the bacteria on the skin during the shower, if it was bacteria that was growing and turning red. it’s really fucking hard to tell what it is. it looks and behaves like a bacterial infection but i had 13 fucking IV antibiotics. Which isn’t as much as the 10d the first ER dr wanted to do but 4d with 3x/day is a lot and should theoretically kill most infections. unless i’m fucking unlucky and the bacteria went dormant, which some bacteria tend to do when barraged with antibiotics, and when the antibiotics stop, they start up again.
there’s no more antibacterial cream on my leg, i took it off to see if the redness would regrow on it’s own and get bad. if i put the cream on and it gets rid of the redness and red spider like vein looking things, NO dr is going to believe me if they don’t see anything.
and with the antibacterial cream on my face, my face finally doesn’t itch/hurt so bad. but it’s disturbing that it’s hurting again the way it did when i did have an infection.
yes logically i should book an appt for another derm, but i’ve already looked and there is NO ONE with good reviews nearby. Unless I want to spend like $70 RT on uber. it would be cheaper if i took public transit but it’s hard on my legs to do so. so i’m really not looking forward to pay $70 for a visit which will likely result in the same dismissal that i’ve been getting from all the derms. plus me being sick it’s been hard just getting out the apt. there just isn’t a whole lot of derms to choose from, and almost all of them have shit ratings.
anyhow, i feel like i shouldn’t have showered. it washed off a lot of the infected skin cells, if it was infected.
so now that i showered and it’s not red, i can’t go to ER even if i wanted bc i can’t show them anything (and even redness they don’t consider a big deal- only if it’s oozing yellow pus).
so the thing is, i have to go back to ER and get readmitted within 30d for this to be considered the same visit/same issue. but if i go to the same hospital chain, they won’t readmit me bc it would make them look negligent (which they are) and yes, they do specifically keep data on 30d readmittance. and that 30d is coming up on the 10th. so i have only the 9th or at the latest the 10th to try to go back. meaning the redness MUST come back and regrow/spread by then for me to be able to go back to ER. if it’s not even red, then i won’t get treated.
It does absolutely suck not knowing for sure what’s wrong with you, and not having confidence in healthcare providers to know either. It’s understandable to be concerned if some of your symptoms are returning.
Is public transit hard on your legs because you have to stand? I can imagine it must be hugely expensive having to rely on ubers/food delivery to go anywhere or get anything. It sounds like you’re effectively disabled, but I assume there’s no kind of assistance provided by the state to help you with day to day living?
Would you be able to cancel the appointment if your symptoms get better in between? Maybe it would make more sense to hold off unless/until your symptoms get so bad that they can’t be dismissed? I have no experience navigating the American healthcare system, so I can’t judge how hard it is to get a second opinion or find a doctor willing to take you seriously.
Sorry, it’s hard for me to get my head around. So is this an insurance issue? Is that why you’re worried about it not being considered the same visit/issue? Do you then get charged more or something?
So you need it to get worse very quickly so you can be readmitted to ER (of a different hospital chain)? Otherwise what happens?
yes, it needs to look really bad for me to get admitted to the hospital. or even to get seen in the ER. i’ve come to ER before waiting 12-16 hours before even getting seen by the dr. Most places you get seen by the intake person or nurse, and if they don’t deem it important, you wind up waiting all day and night to even get seen. then when you are seen, the ER drs generally kick you out if you don’t look bad enough. i suppose this last visit was the anomaly in that i actually got seen fairly quickly by the ER dr.
the hospital i was at, the ER was great for the most part, which is unusual. it was when i got transferred to the hospital when the hell treatment began, bc they didn’t see me as having an issues, even though i literally couldn’t fucking bend/move my legs. and i had severe leg edema which NO ONE fucking addressed. i mean the ER dr sent me to get a CT scan, but the shitty ass hospital dr cancelled it when he saw me and just dismissed me saying i don’t have any problems. despite the 2 ER drs who saw my fucked up leg and they both thought it was bad.
yeah i’m not totally sure the benefits of getting readmitted under 30d, but there is a benefit to the patient. but if you go to the same hospital or hospital chain, they will definitely not want to readmit you bc they get in trouble for not fixing the problem the first time. which i do want to do bc they treated me like dogshit. but i likely won’t get readmitted to that hospital chain. i’ll likely have to try my luck at a different hospital. and in that hospital, i might not even get seen by a dr. i just happened to get lucky that day when there weren’t shit tons of ppl in the waiting room. every time i had gone before to ER it was just shitloads of ppl waiting to get seen, so unless you have a like a bullet wound or some other serious thing, you ain’t getting seen.
anyhow, the IV antibiotic can ONLY be administered by ER or hospital. I can’t get it otherwise. No dr’s office or lab or urgent care can do it.
So I am not even wanting to try and wait an eternity at the waiting room. You can literally wait there for 16 hours and still not get seen, and then give up and go home and it’s a wasted 16 hours, and very fucking uncomfortable one at that, bc all you get is a chair in the waiting room chock full of other sick fuckers. and that’s when you catch some fucking nasty viral infection.
also, i’m already coughing so if my primary reason isn’t covid and it’s just a regular cold, they don’t want you entering the ER, bc you’ll infect others. just like how i got infected from some other patient while i was there. ppl who are coughing don’t usually get admitted. and i suppose i could like. they’ll ask you about symptoms and if appears to be normal cold/flu symptoms, yeah you’ll definitely not get seen.
like one time i was in the ER, i was having an allergic reaction, and the intake lady asked me “can you breathe”? I said “yes.” Well bc I said yes i can breathe, they deemed me not important enough to get seen, so was out there waiting 10 hours before I even went from the waiting room to the ER. and once i was in the ER, i had to wait several more hours for the dr to come over and see me, and in less than 2min, tell me “you’re fine,” didn’t do shit for me or give me anything to treat me, and i was let back out. So like 16 hours of fucking waiting all night in a nasty crowded room with a hundred other sick fuckers, some of whom are coughing up a storm and actively contagious, and they’re literally next to you bc there isn’t much space from 1 person to another. just rows and rows of seats and EVERYONE is sick and half of them are contagious, whether it’s coughing/sneezing or something where you can catch if they touch you or you touch something they touched. so it’s fucking disgusting waiting at an ER. i just got lucky that day i went. but i can’t go back to that place bc they flagged me. but that ER was the only one i was actually able to get in.
so i could theoretically just put the antibacterial cream on for a few days or a week and see if it goes away. but my face never felt like it ever had the bacteria eradicated there when i was in the hospital and had all that IV antibiotic.
idk man, i’m really not looking fwd to trying my luck at another hospital. there is risk just GOING there bc everyone is sick and contagious. i could easily catch another viral infection, and usually the viral infections are really bad ones, bc if it wasn’t bad, they would be home and just riding it off for a few days that normal colds last. so i could be stuck in the waiting room waiting and get another shitty ass infection. also, when you’re in the waiting room, you don’t know how long you have to wait for. you could wind up waiting 2 hours or 20 hours. you won’t know.
damn, my face is fucking itchy, despite having the antibacterial cream on it the whole time.
basically, waiting at the waiting room and then at the ER is hell. You won’t know if and when you’ll be seen. And if you’re lucky enough to make it to the ER, even if they deem you serious enough to get admitted, then you have to wait for a bed. Again, you won’t know how long it’ll be, bc you could be there first, but if someone is in more need comes in after you, you get kicked back in the queue, repeatedly. and it’s fucking hell waiting in the waiting room or the ER. it’s uncomfortable as fuck. and if you knew how long it was and knew you were guaranteed to get seen, then that’s one thing.
my first roommate at the hospital said she waited 3 fucking days before she got admitted in hospital. and my 3rd roommate at the hospital, also waited like 2d or so before getting admitted.
the thing is, once you walk in, you can’t leave. if you leave and they call you, you have to start all over again. so imagine going in there and waiting for 30 hours, 40 hours, 50 hours, still not getting seen. at what point do you give up and go home? honestly, idk if i can wait that long now. back then when i waited 16 hours, i was healthy, and was able to do it.
also, you’re going to need to pee. and the bathrooms are all gross af. like you’ll likely get an infection from using the bathroom, bc they’re never cleaned well, and is used by everyone who’s got some kind of nasty infection or condition.
if it was just my leg, it’s one thing. bc my leg did feel like maybe it was healed and it could have gotten reinfected (though that last scab not falling off meant maybe the wound was still not cleared), but my face never felt like the antibiotic cleared it. my leg did feel some kind of relief, even if not all the bacteria was killed off. but my face never felt any better. and just a red splotch on the face isn’t enough to convince drs there’s something wrong.
idk @husk, it’s fucking brutal just to wait and get seen. you can wait 70 hours and still not get seen. and then leave at hour 71 only to be called at hour 72. my first roommate at the hospital literally waited 3 fuckin days. and her issue was that her dialysis port was infected. you’d think that’s considered important. but no, it wasn’t. so i’m afraid my infection won’t be treated as important. like i said, for once i got lucky that day that there werent shit tons of ppl in the waiting room, bc if there was, i’d never get seen.
i definitely don’t want to wait hours upon hours in the waiting room. or have to use the bathroom there. but you’re forced to bc you can only hold your pee in for so long.
basically, the whole process is a nightmarish experience.
even if in best case scenario i get seen AND have the luck to get admitted, AND they give me IV antibiotic, what if i’m wrong and it’s just eczema? (i don’t buy the eczema shit but it is a possibility). then i’d get antibiotic for no reason. there’s always some side effect to all drugs and medications. also, i can only get 2 antibiotics that treat this specific bacteria, and that 2nd option (my only other option) is even less popular antibiotic.
idk if should jsut put the antibacterial cream on and hope it works, bc if it doesn’t then the bacteria is just gonna grow. also, if i go to ER waiting room, i won’t be able to put antibacterial cream on bc the drs need to see the redness and see how bad it is. and if i’m waiting in the ER waiting room for 20, 30, 40 hours, then it’s going to get worse too. like every fucking option is a bad one.
Also, i was told at the hospital by one of the nurses that i was lucky to be admitted for an infection bc they said infections aren’t deemed to be a priority compared to other cases. like my 1st roommate had her dialysis port infected and they had her wait 3 whole days. I don’t want to go to ER waiting roo and not get seen and not be able to put on my antibacterial cream on, so it spreads and gets worse.
And I’m also chancing it now, not putting on the antibacterial cream bc if I put it on and decide to go to ER, they won’t see anything, so I have to not put the cream on, and by not putting it on, whatever is there is growing. Goddamn, idk what I should do.
“Maybe it would make more sense to hold off unless/until your symptoms get so bad that they can’t be dismissed? I have no experience navigating the American healthcare system, so I can’t judge how hard it is to get a second opinion or find a doctor willing to take you seriously.”
>>Yes, I’m actually now reconsidering going to the ER. Every single time, other than the last time, it was hellish and brutal waiting in the ER waiting room. And I’m coughing so it makes it extra hard. At least at home, I can drink water and go use the bathroom.
Well ok, I’ve only been to the ER 3x total, but the 1st two times were so nightmarish, I don’t ever want to experience that shit again. Like I literally had fucking seizures and horrible allergic reactions and still didn’t want to go (ER can’t do shit for seizures anyway and for allergic reactions, by the time I get seen 16 hours later, my symptoms would’ve cleared up on it’s own.) or whatever weird condition I had at the time.
Damn right I have no fucking confidence in the healthcare system and on drs or nurses. I’ve been fucked up WAY too many fucking times to count.
maybe i should start putting on my antibacterial cream right away. the longer i delay putting it on, the more the infection is going to grow.
the shitty thing is that i don’t think the fucking IV antibiotic killed it off to begin with. and if it didn’t, the antibacterial cream definitely won’t be strong enough to get rid of it. the antibacterial cream and the oral antibiotic are like “babies” compared to IV antibiotics. different levels of magnitude. but if even the IV antibiotic didn’t kill it, then wtf. i’m actually worried my leg will get infected so bad that it needs to be amputated. like the infection fucked up my skin on my leg so bad that i literally couldn’t bend my legs and feet bc the skin was too swollen and couldn’t stretch any more for me to bend my knees or ankles or toes.
idk, this fucking sucks so bad. omg the itch is getting worse on my face. and no, no matter how bad the itch gets, nobody seems to think it’s a big deal. my face “looks” normal so they won’t care. and the itch isnt’ a normal itch. i can’t explain it. like you get a normal itch, that’s a normal itch. i have allergies and i get itchy. tht’s also a normal itch. the itch on my arms back when it was super infected 2mo ago, it was a horrible fucking itch like i need to scratch my skin off, but it felt like an itch. the itch on my face, feels like an alien hatched eggs in my skin and it wants to crawl out. it doesn’t feel normal. but it’s not oozing pus so they won’t even acknowledge it.
i’ve already seen 4 dermatologists, which is why i am not jumping to make an appt with another one. only 1 out of the 4 acknowledged I actually had an infection. And no, she was b!tchy so I don’t necessarily want to go back to her. And she’s a PA, not a Dr. And if she knows I went to get the IV antibiotic, she’s going to tell me that the infection is gone and that my symptoms are eczema, like the other 3, even though I’ve literally NEVER had eczema in my life before this infection.
“Like I said, it seems sensible to try to book an appointment with a different doctor,”
>>Yes, that would be the rational thing to do. I just fucking hate them all now. Also, they’re all far away and it’ll cost a lot of $$$ and time and none have great ratings/reviews. Like if I saw a derm that actually had great reviews, I would book an appt (if they weren’t so far away too). i mean none of them are technically “far” but by uber they’re all $70 RT. If I want the good drs with better ratings, they’re all like $90-100 RT, not factoring in that those few good drs have LONG appt wait times.
idk, all options are bad. i don’t want to wait an eternity at the ER waiting room, risk getting an infection, and then wait an eternity at the ER waiting for a bed in the hospital- if i even make it that far.
i don’t want to book an appt to a new derm bc they’re all fucking far away, cost me time and money to get there, and most of them don’t have great ratings.
and treating it on my own with just antibacterial cream isn’t going to do much.
The American “healthcare” system is so fucked up.
FML. this infection fucked up the veins in my legs. so many of my veins are busted now. and yes, we need our damn veins if we want circulation to our foot/legs. just FML.
Sooooo… never had eczema myself (only more minor skin conditions), and can’t speak to what it’s like. But from a quick google it sounds like severe eczema can feel unbearably itchy:
“The itching could be intense, constant and uncontrollable. People described their skin as ‘twitching’, ‘throbbing’, ‘stinging’ or like having ‘ants crawling’ on it. Some of these sensations were so intense that it made the person want to ‘squeeze’ or ‘dig out’ the itch.”
Apparently you can get it after childhood, and it’s usually triggered by environmental factors, including mould and dust mites – I know you’ve said your living situation is pretty terrible right now?
Obvs I’m in no position to speak on the medical proficiency of any of the doctors you’ve seen. It seems plausible your skin infection could’ve survived the treatment, and that would explain your face still feeling extremely itchy. But it would also make sense that you might’ve developed eczema as a result of your shitty surroundings, unless there’s some other evidence that rules it out? I see no reason why you couldn’t have developed a bacterial infection and severe eczema simultaneously, presumably as a result of the same living conditions. Or that scratching unbearably itchy eczema could’ve allowed a bacterial infection to take root. Not blaming you for scratching btw, recently had an ear infection and found it impossible to resist rubbing it.
If you lived in my country, either way my advice would be the same – contact your GP, who’d then either examine you themselves or book you a specialist appointment. You might have to wait a while to see a specialist, but once you were treated you’d then be able to go back to your GP if it didn’t work and they’d try something else. You wouldn’t typically go to an ER, because that’s a waste of everyone’s time.
From what you’ve said, trying the ER again doesn’t sound like a great option right now. If something dramatic happens that you think might jump you to the front of the queue, maybe that’s the time. Until then I would continue with the antibacterial cream and try to scratch as little as you can, along with any other treatment advice you trust. And maybe look into symptoms and treatments for severe eczema, to rule it out if nothing else.
ppl in the USA go to the ER *because* the healthcare system is such shit here. you can’t get in to see a dr, and when you finally do, they don’t listen to you, don’t send you to get the proper tests so you never find out what problems you have, and then bc you never got treated, years later you develop a serious problem which there is no cure for (there would have been a cure if found earlier). it’s all designed to be like this on purpose so the medical industry complex can make the most $$$$. we have a for-profit medical industry here in the US, which is why everything is designed the way it is- to maximize profit off of human suffering.
how is it that the US spends like 10x more on healthcare than in other countries, and yet even 3rd world countries have BETTER outcomes than in the US? $$$$ is why.
i’ve never had eczema in my life. and the cause of it is “unknown” which is fucking stupid. i’ve been sick long enough and done enough medical research to know that when drs don’t know something, they give it some kind of name/label, and just say that is a disorder on it’s own. just like fibromyalgia or interstitial cystisis. fancy names for a bunch of symptoms that “have no cause” and “have no cure.”
also, eczema is random red spots appearing randomly. well THIS moves and behaves exactly like a fucking bacterial infection- it spreads outwards from a center point, and the surrounding skin and any skin that touches it (like my left leg) then gets infected and turns red. the parts that are red and itchy are EXACTLY the spots where the infection was a month ago. if it was eczema, it would be random red spots in random places. i have allergies so i know that to be the case- when i get allergies from weed/dander/milk/etc, the red splotches and itchiness are random- it doesn’t appear in the SAME fucking place over and over again. Eczema is similar to allergies, it’s random on the body, NOT appearing exactly where the infection was, and spreading outwards from a center focal point, and spreading to any other part that touches it. like my left leg.
and yes, there is a possibility i developed eczema from this infection and now i have eczema for life. FML. just my shit ass luck. which is why i’m so pissed at mother, bc if it weren’t for her disgustingly dirty habits and the house and backyard is full of mold, bacteria, fungus, etc, i wouldn’t have caught ANY of this shit. especially since i would tell her to close the doors to the basement or garage that connects to my fucking kitchen, bc while MY area is clean HER area in the basement and garage is fucking disgusting.
and there’s been multiple times where i’ve LITERALLY pointed to black bacteria/mold on bowls/containers and she literally goes- it’s fine, it’s on the outside of the container and you eat on the inside- despite the fact that you have to literally HOLD the container on the bottom so you’re 100% going to touch that giant glob of black bacteria. which i did. and i didn’t notice till like 30min when i handed her back the container, and it was all over my hand for 30min. fucking disgusting.
like there’s literally a plastic spoon- USED- with food remnants stuck on it bc she doesn’t know how to fucking clean and wash dishes- like she’s literally that fucking stupid- and there’s a fucking ANT on the fucking used plastic disposable spoon- and she still won’t throw it out! like fucking unreal. and this is why i get sick in her house. it’s fucking filthy and full of germs. especially the basement, holy fuck. the basement and garage literally fucking smells. and 100% has mold and bacteria.
and all this time i’m fighting with my idiot mother to CLEAN and to throw away dirty shit, and she just fucking refuses to throw a goddamn thing away or admit there’s things like germs and bacteria- despite LITERALLY pointing to fucking black bacteria on stuff. fucking unreal. and yeah, my mother now hates my guts bc i complain of how dirty her house is, but i also fucking hate her for creating a dirty environment for me where i can catch all this horrible shit.
well there were 2 pairs of slippers i was using to walk around inside the house. went i took a flight out and left the state, NORMAL fucking ppl would THROW out the cheap pair of dirty slippers. But NO. Not only does she NOT throw it out, she PUTS it in the bedroom, on TOP of the desk, on TOP of all my stuff, and no, it wasn’t even put in a plastic bag. Just fucking put dirty ass slippers on top of all my clean things on the desk. Like WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT SHIT?
I can’t fucking stand her. I can’t fucking stand the shit she does. Like does she even have a fucking brain? How did I turn out intelligent and not dumb as a rock? (i started college at 15 and have always done well academically). and yet i was born to a mother who literally doesn’t know she can’t put dirty worn slippers on top of a desk, on top of my papers/books/clothes? Like WTF? Just WTF? I think a literal retard would even know not to do that shit. And know to throw out a used plastic spoon when done using it. or if washing it, wash the spoon properly so there is no more food or smears stuck on there.
i get my intelligence, my genes, and sadly also my depression from my father. I’m the one that has health problems but meanwhile, my mother who lives in fucking filth in a hoarder house is healthy as a horse. What fucking shit luck I have. My mothers side of the family all live very long, all into the 90s. My dad’s side of the family all die like 20-30 years earlier and have poor health.
Well my poor health is likely as a result of my shitty childhood and not being fed enough or fed nutritious food, as well as my father’s genetics. I never had enough to eat as a child.
Anyhow, I know this went on a tangent to a rant on my mother but FUCK- literally ALL my problems results from my shitty parents- especially my shitty abusive mother who beat me and never fed me enough proper food. And when you grow up malnutritioned, you’re ofc going to wind up with health problems, which I did, starting as early as 17.
And yet SHE is healthy as a horse in her 70s. The woman who beat me and the woman who doesn’t have the brains to know you have to throw out plastic containers that have black mold growing on it. Or to wash a spoon so that there’s no more food stuck to it. Or that you can’t douse your bowls in palmolive and not wash it off.
And no, there’s no reason why she should be so fucking dumb and retarded on these things. She’s very savvy when it comes to buying and selling stuff as a street vendor. She has pretty good memory for someone in her 70s. Yet can’t comprehend you can’t throw dirty used slippers on top of clean clothes. FML.
I can’t stand this shit. Life is so fucking unfair and cruel to me.
OFC I’m going to grow up with fucking mental issues, being raised by an abusive dingbat.
OFC I’m going to grow up with chronic health issues bc mother never fed me.
Just Fucking Unfair.
Oh growing up, I did ALL the fucking cleaning bc she never did jack shit so our house wasn’t filthy growing up. So I didn’t know when I came back 20+ years later that the house is filthy af, and it was too late bc all my stuff was moved here by movers in a truck and gave up my housing so couldn’t go back (all my stuff in boxes all destroyed now bc it’s been put in the dirty filthy basement). OFC I had to do all the fucking dirty shit, and I was 7 when I had to clean the fucking house.
I know, an unrelated vent, but fuck. I just can’t catch a break in life. I can’t deal with this. My mother is a fucking abusive selfish ****, and even at her 70s, still lies 24-7. And has no common sense. Who the fuck does all this insane shit she does? She has several screws loose in her brain. Which would be ok if she was at least loving but no. She is a sociopath- yes a sociopath- she literally is unable to feel emotions or care about anything or anyone other than herself. And this whole time while I was sick and unable to walk or get food, she’s told me to “go die” and never once brought me any food so that I don’t starve. Yeah, that’s the mother I got.
God I hate her. Idk why I thought she’d changed bc she got older.
why would eczema respond to antibacterial cream? if i don’t have bacteria, then why is it that every time i put on the antibacterial cream, my skin would go from red to clear/normal. the second i stop the antibacterial cream, the color goes back to red and becomes itchy again.
i’ve had this bacteria inside my body for MONTHS before i even went to the drs and got the oral antibiotic. bc i wasn’t able to speak to a dr for more than a minute or two, they didn’t know i was battling it for months. they just heard “the oral antibiotic didn’t work for 3 weeks” and they took it to mean i only had the infection for 3 weeks before i went to the hospital. there is a whole difference with how much bacteria is in somebody for 3 mo vs 3 weeks. that’s probably why the IV “failed”- it didn’t “fail”- i just need more days on it bc i have SO much of the bacteria in me. it went underneath my skin and hid there for months, bc the first bout of infection occurred last year, not 3 weeks before i went to the ER. also, even when this 2nd bout started, i didn’t go to the dermatologist for 2.5 weeks when the infection was raging (i thought it was a fungal infection and not a bacterial infection bc i did have foot fungus that was spreading on my body). and ppl like me never go to the drs and try to treat it on my own bc of the way the medical industry treats ppl. that and it takes forever to even get a fucking appt for starters.
i’m so done with the fucking shitty drs in America. like take a simple UTI for example. when i was in my 20s, i went to visit my home country for a few weeks. in some places, even in 5* hotels, you have to squat to pee or shit. so OFC i wound up with a fucking UTI when i got back. but i went to THREE fucking drs who just fucking REFUSED to believe I have a UTI and REFUSED to even send my urine to the lab to get it tested. it’s literally the cheapest test and the most basic test you can get. and it doesn’t cost the dr anything to send me to get a urine test.
i finally got a dr to give me a urine test, but ONLY bc I said “you can prove to me that you’re right by giving me the test and when the test coming back negative, I will apologize and acknowledge that you’re right.” Only THEN the shitty fucking dr submitted the request for a urinalysis. Bc he had his ego to protect. And OFC it comes back positive. And all I needed was to take a few days of antibiotics. But if you delay treatment, the bacteria grows and attacks your fucking organs. That is why TIME is of the essence, especially since bacteria grow so fast. They double exponentially, so it’s not like day 10 is double the amount of day 5, it’s multitudes more.
if drs are that fucking incompetent when it comes to a fucking UTI and I literally had to go to 3 different drs to finally get the urine test, and ONLY after the 3rd dr said and I said I’d apologize and acknowledge he was right if the urine test came back negative. Like holy fuck, that is literally the fucking reason he finally agreed, but he kept saying no to the urine test until I said I’d apologize and acknowledge he was right “when the test comes back negative.” and yes, i phrased it that exactly, that it would come back negative bc he was adamant about it coming back negative.
and that last dr was Indian too, he should know how bathrooms are in 3rd world countries. hell, plenty of ppl get UTIs in America. It’s just a common fucking thing to get.
it’s fucking ridiculous.
OH SHIT- I think my feet is starting to swell again. That’s what happened when the infection took hold- my foot and calf swelled up like a balloon. I can’t tell for certain yet but this is troubling…
***goddamnit, i think they did let me out too soon and it’s the infection. i’m sure of it now. i slathered the antibacterial cream on, and the foot and ankle looks much better and feels much better. the burning sensation is gone- previously i had put on the antibacterial cream and while it reduced the color, the pain doesn’t subside unless you slather it on A TON and wait 2d, not just 1d.
every place that is red and hurts or red and itches, if i put the antibacterial cream on, the redness and pain and itch goes away. it takes several days for it to work so i hadn’t noticed it before. also, i didn’t slather ton on bc i only have so much of the cream (2 small tubes) so i was only using a small amount.
i feel so stupid for
1- listening to the idiot drs and not to my gut. my gut told me i needed a few more days on the IV antibiotic bc the redness and swollen
2- for not slathering the antibacterial cream on sooner and keeping it there for several days to see the difference it makes with the color and pain , especially in the ankles. i just hadn’t put enough of it on long enough to see it how much of a difference it makes.
3- i feel stupid for believing the idiot drs that the red color was “eczema.” it sure fucking isn’t.
so my hands and feet- the bacteria there was NEVER killed off- that’s why i refused to leave the hospital after only 4d bc the redness and swelling was still there.
**now the problem is, if i want to go to ER and try to get admitted, i have to not use the cream, meaning let the bacteria grow so the drs can see it turn red, meaning i have to risk the bacteria growing out of control- and they might still not admit me bc a red color isn’t enough to sway the drs that something is wrong, let alone think it’s bad enough to be admitted inpatient
fucking eczema my ass. there’s a direct cause and effect when using the goddamn antibacterial cream- use it, pain and itchiness and redness and burning goes away. don’t use it and the pain, itchiness, redness, burning, stabbing pain, and swelling comes back.
i’ve lost 30 fucking days from listening to the idiot drs telling me it’s fucking eczema when my gut told me the bacteria isn’t all killed off, especially in the hands and feet- the extremities.
so now do i try to get myself admitted to the ER? to do that, i have to take off the antibacterial cream NOW and hope that in 12 hours, enough of the redness returns so drs can at least see a little redness. but that means letting the infection grow… and a little redness doesn’t mean much to drs bc lots of things can make a skin red…
plus the fact that i’m coughing makes it even less likely they’ll admit me, but i don’t think this bacterial infection is not going to go away unless i get the IV. according to the NIH, there has been no documented cases of this particular bacterial strain being cleared by oral antibiotic alone. Not that the dermatology place believes I have anything other than eczema. Fucking idiots. And the ER/hospital is the ONLY place I can get the IV.
I wish I wasn’t coughing. They don’t want to admit anyone that’s coughing.
I wish I didn’t have idiot drs.
I wish I never mentioned eczema to the drs at the hospital. Once I mentioned that, they all hopped onto it and all bc ONE fucking idiot arrogant PA said it was. And she was proven to be wrong when she said the infection was gone when the infection clearly was NOT gone as I was continuing to ooze yellow pus.
What screwed me up was the shitty ER Nurse. The ER Dr had initially wanted me on 2x/d for 10d. When I asked her how long it would be to get a bed, she told me it could be 6-36hrs. After waiting some time, I asked her if she could give me a better estimate, and she goes “I’ll tell the dr that you don’t want to get admitted.” and I said “no, i just want a better estimate, not that i don’t want to get admitted.” Told the nurse that and she STILL told the dr I didn’t want to get admitted, so he likely changed it from 2x/d for 10d to 3x/d for 4d thinking I didn’t want to be in-patient that long.
And it turns out I NEEDED just a few more days. Bc 4d wasn’t enough and didn’t kill all of the bacteria. And I could feel not all of it was gone after 4d. And now it’s making a comeback and it’s going to be so hard to get readmitted. All bc the fucking b1tch nurse told the dr I didn’t want to be admitted when I LITERALLY only asked how long the wait was to get a bed. And I had asked nicely, not like I was rude. And I only asked after waiting 1-2 hours already.
FML. Fucking shitty ass nurse screwed me over. Just WHY do I have such bad luck? This kind of shit always happens to me.
God I hate this. All I need is the IV. And I can’t get it anywhere else other than to get admitted in-patient. And in-patient is SO hard to get admitted. You literally have to wait all day at the ER waiting room- (12-16hrs typically for me). THEN once you past the waiting room, you wait at the ER area to even get seen by a dr, which usually takes several hours (2-4hrs in the past for me). So you could wait 20hrs and still not get admitted or treated. Like I did twice back then.
@husk-
OMG- so apparently there’s also a different bacterial strain that’s entered my bloodstream, which they did NOT treat me for bc the culture results did not come back until AFTER they kicked me out of the hospital. And the antibiotic I was given only treats the other bacteria but NOT this and is ineffective for this strain.
So now not only do I have the 1st strain that’s still on/in my skin, but this other strain is in my fucking blood. And NO ONE did a blood culture until I went to the ER. And the fucking ER kicked me out literally 1d before the results came back.
Holy shit, that fucking PA is even more incompetent than I thought. She only tested my leg sample, NEVER did a lab requisition for a bacterial blood culture. God fucking damn. This idiot **** has literally done everything possible to thwart the treatment of this infection. And for my infection to be THIS BAD and she STILL didn’t tell me I needed to go to the ER to get the IV is fucking unreal. My health is destroyed bc she kept me from getting proper treatment for at least 3 weeks, and then at the hospital, they relied on what SHE said about it being fucking eczema so the 2 Drs and 2 nurses there were SO fucking awful to me and dismissed my case as a nothing-burger.
It’s been there for at least a month now, bc the culture was done 5 weeks ago. It’s sitting there growing and not getting treated.
I was stupid. When I saw the lab results, I thought the antibiotic they gave me would have killed this too, until I looked specifically at an antibiotic table which shows how effective a bunch of antibiotics were against this particular strain. And the antibiotic I was given is completely ineffective against this strain.
OMFG, there’s THIS strain in my blood and the OTHER strain re-growing back on my leg/in my skin.
AND NO ONE is taking me seriously. Eczema my fucking ASS!
I think I only got admitted last time because the 2nd PA had written a letter saying the oral antibiotic failed and that she recommended I get the IV antibiotic, and named that antibiotic. Plus I did get lucky as this was the first time the waiting room was empty (has never happened to me before). But now I am black-listed from this hospital chain bc I wouldn’t leave at the discharge date (left a day before). Not certain I’m black-listed but the discharge summary says:
“Screening Criteria: Readmission history or utilization concerns”
That means they flagged me right? I read that if you’re flagged, if you try to get admitted any time in the future, even if the ER dr thinks you should be admitted, a team of drs would go over the case and assess if that person should be admitted. Which means only dire situations would they let you back in.
I didn’t want to leave bc I didn’t think ALL of the bacteria was killed, and I was right.
@husk- what should i do?
1- I could try my luck at this current hospital or another hospital in this hospital chain- I do like how they do keep you updated on every step of the way via the app so you’re not in the dark when the nurses don’t tell you jack, like most hospitals. and even if you’re waiting, they do update you on each step- once you get past the ER waiting room which is the bulk of the wait.
2- I could try my luck at another ER
3- OR I could go back and get another appt with another derm at that place and hope she believes me and either gives me a letter of referral to the ER, OR just get the oral antibiotics and hope the oral can now kill it since there’s less bacteria in my body now (though it’s multiplying as i type). BUT she might just go with what the PA and other derm dr said about it being eczema since the PA who said eczema works on the floor with her.
Or maybe I am just thinking too negative when I think the ER won’t let me be admitted. I do know anyone that hears a dr said i only have eczema isn’t going to believe me. And so good chance that derm dr at that place is also going to dismiss me. the one that has an available appt on the 13th. well available as of now. idk if she’s also shitty bc most drs/PAs at this derm place don’t seem that good.
Bc I had put on the antibacterial cream, I feel ok now but I’ve taken the cream off and it’s starting to come back, the itch. IDK if i should put the cream back on. If I go to ER, I need it off for them to see. But I loathe to have the bacteria grow back. I just idk anymore. I can’t seem to think clearly…
If I do see that other dr, it would be on Tuesday the 13th. but they give you only 10min to talk to the dr. and this lady WORKS with the arrogant b!tch PA who told me it was eczema and that my infection was gone.
I suppose I could wait 4d till Tuesday and see what that Dr says. IF she doesn’t believe me (bc her colleague the PA who is literally next door to her office says it’s eczema) then I can still try going to a different hospital. It’s just that now time is of the essence. Bacterial grows so fast, they double by factors. Also it’s best to go on a Fri/Sat/Sun morning otherwise the wait is horrendous, and I’ll have to wait till the 17th or 18th to try. Although, if that derm doesn’t believe me, then what chance would I have to get admitted to hospital?
I just NEED the fucking antibiotic IV. The oral antibiotic isn’t strong enough. I would rather get admitted to hospital but I don’t want to risk my health and time being there 20-30 hours only to be turned away. Going to ER waiting room runs the risk of catching an infection from someone. I fucking always catch an infection from the ER/hospital/urgent care, etc bc you’re stuck in the same room with contaminated air for 20-30 or more hours. Fucking disgusting there. And the bathrooms are fucking gross and full of bacteria. One can only hold one’s pee for so long…
@husk- sorry i sound crazy- i am going out of my mind trying to decide what best to do. i have NEVER been believed for the last 21 fucking years by drs for other chronic conditions, which is why my health is so bad.
i just don’t know what to do. i don’t know if taking the oral antibiotic is going to work bc it’s very weak compared to IV, and 4 full days of IV and I still have this shit. was dormant for 3 weeks but now it’s coming back….
and idk how it’ll be if i try to go back into the ER to get readmitted, after telling them i was already given IV antibiotic for 4d. Normal drs are gonna go, “well you’ve been treated…” Or I could be thinking way too negatively and shooting myself in the foot by not even trying the ER (but the ER is not without risk of contracting yet another viral infection).
it’s starting to get really itchy again so it’s really concerning- and no- it is NOT like normal itching. i have allergies 24-7 so i know what is normal itching. i’ve had broken bones and bones pop out of it’s sockets. i’ve been hit head on by a car, 3000 lbs of steel hitting my body as a pedestrian. it all pales in comparison to this. THIS kind of itching feels is horrific. And NO you CANNOT scratch it, so it’s an impossible situation once the itching gets bad and it’s starting to get bad real fast.
Sooo… Usual disclaimer: I don’t and can’t understand your situation as well as you do. I can only go on what little I’ve gathered from what you’ve written, and I have no experience dealing with your country’s healthcare system.
1. It sounds like you feel this is urgent – that you can’t leave it untreated, regardless of how costly/time consuming/inconvenient that is. It seems you feel you can’t leave it any longer.
2. It sounds like you have multiple urgent issues – did you also mention a blood infection? Which I presume a dermatologist would be unable to diagnose/treat? So it seems like you urgently need to see one doctor who can quickly admit you to hospital for treatment for multiple issues? From what you’ve said, I guess an ER doctor is the closest thing to that in your system?
3. It seems you’re pretty sure that only an extended IV antibiotic treatment can kill off the skin infection? And am I right that you said the only way to access that is through the ER? So if you did book a dermatologist appointment, they wouldn’t be able to refer you for that treatment anyway? In which case I guess doing that would be pointless?
4. If the above is accurate, then I guess that leaves you with the ER? You said it’s best to go over the weekend? Which I suppose leaves you with tomorrow morning? You’re in a better position than me to judge, but I wouldn’t leave it another week.
5. It sounds like you had a poor experience at the last hospital, and they’ve put some dismissive stuff on your record? Would that not carry over to all the hospitals in the same chain? Don’t know how easy it would be to get to a different hospital/chain, but if you could go somewhere you could present your issues “fresh”, that might make it easier? They also might be more willing to recognize the mistakes made by doctors in a rival chain?
6. I think it does make sense to halt the antibacterial cream before you go into the ER, so it’s clearer there’s an issue. Don’t know how fast the redness spreads, but maybe stop applying it the day/night before you’re planning to go in? I would also write out a clear, concise statement of your issues, if you have concerns about being taken seriously by doctors, so you don’t get side-tracked.
Maybe something along the lines of “I had a serious bacterial skin infection which I was treated for, but it seems to have come back, and I’m worried it’s quickly getting worse. It’s extremely itchy and my legs are swelling up again. I also have a blood infection.” (was the IV supposed to treat that too?)
As much as you can, stay calm, stick to the point, don’t get angry, but be clear that you’re concerned and in a lot of discomfort.
Hope it works out for you and you get some relief.
this is so odd- after it being super painful /itchy/red/burning, especially on the feet on 2.9.10 as of 4AM, I slathered copious amount of the antibacterial cream- it seems to have staved off some of the itching on the calf- it usually comes right back after 24 hours. it’s been 36 hours. the feet is red again and there’s some itching, but it hasn’t come back to as bad as it was before the cream.
this time it’s staving it off for longer, though I just woke up so i’m not sure yet. it could be bc i haven’t washed all the cream off well and the remnants left are helping, idk.
if the cream seems to be helping, then i wonder if i do need the IV? bc before the IV, the cream and oral pills just weren’t strong enough to make a dent in killing off the bacteria. i wonder if the IV has killed off enough of the bacteria that maybe the cream and oral pills might now work without the IV….though IV is the best, quickest and most effective method. like with pills it can take a month, with IV just a few days. it hasn’t come back to “unbearable” like after i showered and didn’t put the cream back.
so yeah, i’m now a little confused. it hasn’t come back as bad as it did on 2.9.24 after not using the cream for over a full 24hrs. the burning hasn’t come back, there’s some itching. maybe the copious amount put on is making it last longer this time, and it doesn’t feel “urgent” anymore.
anyhow, i just woke up so we’ll see if the pain becomes unbearable tonight. if it’s not unbearable, then maybe it isn’t urgent to go to ER.
i am pissed AF though. had i just another a few more days of the IV like i wanted before being kicked back to home, i wouldn’t be going through this. it’s all bc of that shitty nurse that told the ER dr I didn’t want to stay in the hospital, when I literally only asked “how long is the wait for a bed, 6-36 hours seems a long time to wait , can you give a better estimate than that…” and she literally turns around and says “i’ll tell the dr you don’t want to be a patient here.” i’m pretty sure that’s why the dr had changed it form 2x/d for 10d to 3x/d for 4d. and 3x/d for 4d wasn’t long enough.
anyhow, the leg and feet seem not so bad for now without the cream. the face however, is still very bad off, even with the cream on 24-7. the cream helps but it’s still itchy. i refuse to take the cream off the face to test.
but the leg doesn’t feel “urgent” for now- but again i just woke up so we’ll see. and yeah, it could be bc i haven’t taken off all the cream even after wiping it so that’s why it’s lasting longer this time before it feels really bad.
after putting the cream on and taking the cream off 3x to test, i’ve determined that i definitely DO have bacteria still on my legs and that the redness is NOT fucking eczema. nor the redness that was on my arms that they kept telling me was eczema too. they kept telling me the all the redness and itchiness all over my body is due to eczema. after the IV, the redness disappeared from the arm. so it definitely was the bacteria and not eczema, and that the infection is gone, though, after 1mo after the IV, it’s slowly starting to turn red again… it was completely pale and fine for 3 weeks, until i began feeling the itching suddenly on my leg. it feels like the bacteria is regrowing now that i’m off the IV.
it’s really extreme gaslighting/stupidity to think the redness and itchiness is all due to eczema and that the infection is gone just bc I took some pills or had the IV. bacteria is known to go dormant when thrown antibiotics and as soon as you’re off it, they start growing again. or if the antibiotics killed off 90% or 99%, that remaining 1% will grow back.
it just definitely feels like the IV didn’t kill it all off, and now that i’ve been off IV it’s re-growing. but i need to convince the drs that it’s bacteria and not fucking eczema. tried it 3x- cream on, cream off. each time cream on, symptoms abated, every time cream off, the itching and redness comes back. if that’s not cause and effect, then idk what it is. but i bet you all the ppl who told me it’s eczema would still tell me it’s eczema despite the direct results each of these 3x.
1- so yeah, it doesn’t feel “urgent” as of right now. i will see how tonight goes as i just woke up.
2- yes so i definitely have a fucking bacterial infection that’s entered my bloodstream- that’s why i was all panicked and worried when i wrote all those posts out- the hospital ran a 5d culture test and found out i had ANOTHER bacterial strain in my blood- so that definitely needs to be killed with antibiotics, and the antibiotics i took does not kill this one- i had to look up a chart that tells me what antiobiotic this other strain is susceptible to and the antibiotic i was given does nothing to help this strain. so this strain in my blood is troublesome bc it’s in my blood, and if it’s in my blood, is it in my tissues? so i definitely need antibiotics for that.
3- the dermatologist can write a letter that i can take to the ER recommending i get the IV. if i come into the ER with that letter, they’re more likely to admit me, bc drs always go by whatever previous drs say. i got admitted presumably bc i had that letter the PA had the receptionist write up which i showed the ER dr. though it’s another story if i was already given IV and requesting more IV bc the IV failed vs saying the oral failed and i need IV.
4- yes the only way to completely kill off everything and quick is the IV which i can only get in the hospital, which is fucking shit bc it’s so hard to get admitted. if i take the oral route, it can take 1-2months, vs literally like 3d of IV. and meanwhile, i’m suffering and the bacteria is growing. and all that antibiotics does damage to the body. like it’s one thing to take oral antibiotics for 3-7d. after 2 weeks, antibiotics do damage to your own body (bc it did last time i took antibiotics for 3 weeks). i’ve already taken the oral for 3 weeks, and taking oral antibiotics for another however many untold weeks is really bad. it kills off your own healthy cells in the gut and i haven’t been able to digest food properly since the last time i took antibiotics for 3 weeks, and that was back 10 whole years ago, and my body has never recovered from that. from that 3 weeks of antibiotics, i have never gone back to normal- my gut is destroyed and can’t properly digest food for the past 10 years. so yeah i really don’t want to take antibiotics for another 1-2 months. it’s going to destroy my body. but at this point i have no choice. if i can’t past the ER to get the IV, i can only convince drs to give me oral antibiotics, which is slow to kill off the infection i have and does damage.
5- oh yes, i had already planned to go to a new hospital. one where i hadn’t stupidly told them 2 of my 3 dermatologists told me it was eczema. as soon as they heard “eczema” the drs started treating my shit bc they think i have something bullshit and that i should be kicked out the hospital. i most definitely DID have an active infection at the time i was admitted. i was oozing yellow pus and all that pain, itching and redness in my arms are gone (not from my hands and legs) but the fact that there’s none on my arm after the IV shows I had an infection and that it’s NOT fucking eczema.
i’m so pissed bc EVERYTHING was bc of that shiity first PA I went to. Not only did she dismiss me and say it’s eczema- bc she said it was eczema EVERY dr after her just took her word for gospel and they all just went with it, despite her being fucking wrong bc eczema doesn’t fucking ooze yellow pus. and the IV antibiotic clearly killed off the bacteria in my arms that was causing all the itching and pain and redness. so i’m so pissed she started the whole eczema train. once it gets put on your chart, NO ONE questions it.
i feel so stupid that i accidentally let it slip out that “my dermatologists think it’s eczema.” which is why i don’t want to go back to the derm place bc it’s on record there that it’s eczema and going to be ridiculously hard to correct the record and say it’s an infection.
i have to go back and see the 1 PA that saw my infection and had that letter for me to bring to the ER. the problem is that if i go back to her, she might not believe that i still have the infection after the IV.
i clearly DO still have an infection in/on my skin though. as well as a different strain in my blood. which both needs to be killed. i suppose in the best case scenario is that the 1st strain was killed but the 2nd strain remains on my skin and in my blood. that is a possibility. or I could have both strains still in/on my skin. the reason i believe the original 1st strain is there is bc of the pain- it’s very specific kind of pain/itching. like i have year round allergies and food allergies, and believe it or not, the itching is different. itching isn’t all the same.
the PA is likely to believe the IV killed off the 1st strain, bc that IV is very specific to killing the 1st strain. the 2nd strain in my blood has NEVER been treated, bc the 1st PA i saw- the idiot fucking ****- NEVER did a blood culture test, so i never found out i had a 2nd bacterial infection until i went to the ER and they did one. but the hospital literally kicked me out 1d before the results came back. fuck, i think the results came back that night. so it was never treated. fucking unreal.
and no, once it gets into the blood, it gets serious. it’s one thing if it’s on/in your skin, another if it’s in your blood, bc it can spread to your cells and you’re fucked if that happens. and it’s already been 10 weeks. all bc the idiot PA never did a fucking blood culture. it could have been found out 7 weeks ago. and yes 7 weeks matter bc time matters when it comes to infections. the longer it’s in your body, the more damage it does, bc infections can spread very quickly. you can be fine for like 1 week and the 2nd week it can hit your organs and you’re fucked.
and the ER dr had scheduled a CT scan to see if it had entered my leg/joints/cells, but the fucking attending physician was such a fucking dick. he flat out just cancelled my CT scan so now idk if there’s bacteria that entered my tissues. FML husk. Just FML. all this bc the shitty PA put “eczema” on my chart and EVERY single dr that followed just took it for face value and that no matter what i said, they didn’t believe it was anything else. and so pissed off the culture came back AFTER they kicked me out the hospital. Literally the results came back that night or the next morning. Like fucking unreal.
All bc that fucking arrogant **** never did a blood culture. And when I complained I still had symptoms, she blamed it on eczema.
Had I taken her word, and then taken the dermatologists word, I would have this fucking bacteria in my blood and never known about it, causing damage, and all the while every dr tells me it’s just eczema and giving me fucking SKIN LOTIONS to deal with it. That it’s all bc my skin is dry, which is what they told me. Like FUCKING UNREAL.
god, u don’t know how pissed off i am. all that suffering bc the c.unt i went to didn’t do her job to request a blood culture done, and didn’t refer me to go to the ER and get an IV bc my infection was BAD- just by the looks of it. The ER drs took it super serious bc they could see it was fucking bad. Like the fucking c.unt NEVER told me how serious it was or how bad it was. She treated it like it was no big deal, so I didn’t think it was that bad. SHe told me all i needed was oral antibiotics for a week and that’ll be it. And after 5d on the wrong antibiotic and 1 week on the correct, she just claimed I no longer had the infection, just bc I took the pill for 1 week. Like fucking stupid, lazy and unreal. Like the possibility doesn’t exist that someone could take antibotics for 1 week or 2 weeks or 3 weeks and the infection can still there? How fucking idiotic. She literally told me “You took the antibiotic. There is NO more infection” over and over again. And when I told her I still had symptoms she’s like “it’s eczema.” SHe literally thinks there is NO way for an infection to still be there after taking antiobiotic for 1 week. Fucking ridiculous. And bc she put eczema in the chart, when i went to see the actual dermatologist (she is just a PA), he just hopped on to whatever SHE said. And they had talked to each other before I came into his office so he had already made up his mind that it was eczema before I even said a word to him.
Goddamn, all this pain and suffering bc of this arrogant b!tch who didn’t even think to do a blood culture. Fucking unreal.
all i can do now is go back to the 2nd PA- get her to give me antibiotics for the 2nd strain that’s in my blood, as well as asking her to give me antibiotics for the 1st strain (she won’t believe i still have the first strain so i’d have to convince her to give it to me “just in case”). Problem is she’s likely going to give me just 1 wk of the antibiotic for that and 1 week is certainly not enough.
i also need to ask her for a blood culture and a fungal culture.
idk what to do beyond that. once it’s in the blood it’s bad. i COULD have gotten that fucking CT scan to see if any bacteria has entered my cells but that asshole attending physician cancelled it. :'(
so all i can do is take the oral antibiotic and hope it kills it and that it hasn’t spread to my cells despite it being in my body for months now.
it’s so cruel that the lab results came back literally right AFTER they kicked me out.
and all this bc i chose to go to the wrong fucking dr/PA. like she graduated from top10 uni, so I thought she was smart. but the problem with “smart” ppl is that they tend to be arrogant AF and dismiss you bc you’re just a dumb patient. -_-
@everyone- is there anyone else reading this? if so, i would love your advice, bc at this time, i don’t think i can even think clearly and make the best decision on what to do. it’s a lot to read, i know…
Since you’re seen by doctor before, if you go again it’s a follow up right? Follow ups are quicker. Tell them you received treatment but it wasn’t completely effective and some issue has arisen. Likely same doctor will see you again.
you haven’t read my comments. the problem is that the drs are idiots and i’m not being treated properly. and i can’t get the treatment i need.