We only have 2 choices in life- either to off oneself, or if we’re to live, then we need to hustle and do everything we can to better our life. But the thing that is so damaging about depression is that when you are super depressed, you don’t do jack shit to better your life. Like just doing simple things like showering or eating becomes tedious/difficult, let alone being proactive and taking steps to achieve this this or that.
But what if we’re zombies- hating our lives, depressed AF, and not doing jack shit to improve our lives? It’s the fucking worst, bc you know you MUST do something. Doing nothing means staying where you are, in your life where you are stuck and is shitty. But depression means it’s literally hard af to drag your ass out of bed.
And in my case, it’s hard to drag my ass out of bed is bc I have no hope- like why?? I don’t see a rainbow, I don’t see a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. All I see is (likely) more shit. Yes, I know logically if I don’t do anything to change anything, life will continue to be shit. But I’m so tired- it’s not like I *haven’t* tried my whole life. I’m fucking tired of it all resulting in the same shit.
And yet, it’s so tough to end it all. To completely give up and call it quits. And let the Universe win against you. A part of me doesn’t want to go with my tail between my legs, giving up via suicide. I want one last FUCK YOU to the Universe before I go, whatever that may be.
But again, depression means you don’t do shit except feel like shit and inactive as hell.
I wake up tired. I go to bed tired. Like physically, not just depression in my head. I have health issues so I literally have no fucking energy.
IDK, I need help. This trajectory I’m on isn’t sustainable. I’m only getting sicker being here in this shit environment. But bc I’m in a shit environment, it’s made me sick. When you’re physically sick and drained, it’s so hard to “pull yourself up” and do all that needs to be done, when I literally have problems walking, eating, breathing, etc due to health issues. FML. Just FUCK this FUCKING UNIVERSE.
I can’t take this shit anymore. 40+ years of hell. Not living but can’t die either. FML.