Bye bye hope
bye bye satisfaction
hello inaction
I wish that I could cry
bye bye hope
bye bye upward climb
welcome back mediocre time
I wish that I could die
goodbye my hope goodbye
I was going to try and explain it, but damn it’s short enough I can just quote it here. It doesn’t include any personal details
”
Good morning,
We value your interest in the Victim Advocate position at [Redacted] with the Police Department. Following a thorough review of numerous qualified applicants, the panel has selected the top five candidates for further interviews. Unfortunately, we must inform you that you will not proceed to the final round of interviews at this stage. The panel appreciates your time, sharing your expertise and qualifications. We wish you the best in all your future endeavors.
”
(Okay, I was wrong, name of the blasted town/city/whatever you call that conflagration of local government, I redacted it like any good cold war soldier should)
I’m heartbroken, I really wanted that stupid job. And no, they don’t appreciate my time, expertise or qualifications. They DO NOT wish me well. They wasted a fucking month of my time, got my hopes up, for nothin
I’m really bitter and pissed off about this, but I’m keeping moving and other than on here and to a few select friends I’m keeping it to myself.
This is why I say; hope is the worst thing anyone can do to you. Don’t get pissed at people that mess up your life, that’s normal human behavior. Get pissed at the ones who promise you a better one, then pull out the rug.
I feel like someone put a boot on my chest and is pushing down, and I’m trying to just go about my fucking life as if nothing’s wrong, and no one can see it…. so I guess everything is fine and fucking dandy.
17 comments
Sorry to hear you didn’t get that job. My experience has been if I want the job I won’t get it and vice-versa and because I hate working there are now jobs left,right and centre all of which I avoid. ‘A job is a job’ – that loathsome but very true cliche helps to keep things in perspective. Forget about this setback. I hope next time round you will get the job.
That stinks, sorry you didn’t get the job. All this time, I’ve been reading your posts going, “wow, he’s really trying and putting in a lot of effort, which is WAY more than the shit I’m doing, which is nothing.”
You had a glimmer of hope, and you tried and went after it. That was the kind of spirit I used to have, in abundance, but now I have none. It’s been quashed, years ago, just like you are now.
I would say “valiant attempt,” but even the noblest of attempts that result in nothing at the end of the day doesn’t help one bit. Which is why I haven’t tried. Not trying = not getting crushed. Although ofc, not trying means being stuck in shitland and in a shit life.
So after this, you’re not going to try anymore? No more applications, no more job hunting?
i suppose you could look at all police departments to see if there’s any job postings, but that would require you to still have “hope.”
also, them saying they hired the top 5 is even MORE crushing, bc usually a job listing is only hiring 1 person, and to not get that job offer sucks, but to know that you’re not even top 5 sucks way more. sorry pal. i would be totally crushed too.
ah no, I wish I could be that authentic in my life. It’s just way more performative now, the job hunt, pretty much my entire professional persuits. Nevercara would chide me for becoming the mask, but this is one of the times it is useful. The character I play wouldn’t quit, so turns out neither would I.
I dance and tumble (metaphorically, you understand), to make those who see me feel good, feel validated, keep them happy
but I’m nothing more than a clown or a mime, wearing my absurd colors, performing my absurd acts, playing at purpose all the while being little but an empty shell
I have some other leads, we’ll see about that. I’m still very serious about if it takes too long getting whatever job will take me to get the things I need fixed fixed and legging it out of here. Or skipping the middle part, get one of those cash for houses people.
The issue is I’ll never be defeated. I don’t know how to stop. What happens is being antisocial and destructive becomes more and more appealing as time goes on. I’m reading a book about the “perfect” serial killer, a brilliant calculating chess player who seems to kill just to enjoy watching law enforcement dance. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t see some of myself in that. Not me now, but a few more decades, a couple dozen more valiant attempts at purposeful living.
it’s a very interesting sociopath in progress miniseries my life has become. Turns out the people who feel deepest are actually the ones who want to feel least at all.
“Turns out the people who feel deepest are actually the ones who want to feel least at all.”
>>oh how i wish i could be a sociopath and not give a fuck about this world and every rotten person in it. i wouldn’t want to lose ALL feeling, but i don’t want to feel this much. there’s so many selfish ppl who couldn’t give a rat’s ass about anyone else, and they’re happy as clams, as long as THEY are fine.
yes, i’ve seen many documentaries on serial killers, and yes, with some of them, i can definitely see how they got there, and that given the way American society is structured, that that was bound to happen. USA grows serial killers and violent criminals. It’s what our society grows with our shit economic and social policies that screw over the poor. The Nordic model however, redeems lost souls, and gives them not only hope, but actual redemption. Jobs, housing, etc so they don’t have to resort to a life of crime. No such shit here in the USA. Here, they leave veterans and heroes out to die in the streets. That’s how “great” America is. #1 country my ass.
who are some of your “favorite” serial killer documentaries to watch?
heh, fitting with the current theme of my life I wrote out a whole thing about what makes a perfect serial killer and then accidentally hit the “back” button, Ah, my own worst enemy as often as not.
It’s like the “great american novel”, the great american serial killer is another fata morgana even more illusive, and even less likely to exist. It’s probably because killing people isn’t that impressive, when it comes down to it. Also a lot of serial killers are really childish, self centered little psychos……. I swear more children would kill if they had access to means, speaking of.
I like Murder Mystery Monday and Morbid both on Youtube. My favorite two killers of all time would be Albert Fish and the Unibomber. My favorite killer most people have never heard of is the Covina Massacre, guy wore a santa suit and used a flamethrower, iconic.
in one of your posts/comments, you said that you almost killed someone. what’s the story on that?
It happened at least a couple of times, but I only remember bits of the one. When I was younger I had really serious anger problems, like if I had been in an at risk school I would be in prison right now. But I was in private school at the time so I got therapy, and later on I got really good at talking my way out of things
So the time I remember we were out on a field trip, and something embarassing happened, I think I got a kiss from an old lady or something, not really that bad now, but to a 12 year old kid…. and my best friend at the time was there and I said to him “You tell no one about this”, because 12 year old boys…. fricken monsters to each other.
and he goes and tells one of the kids I had the worst problems with, and of course that kid has to rub it in “Hear you’ve got old ladies sweet on you”, and I’m not even that angry at the bully, I’m angry at my “friend”, so the next time I see him, we’re outside and I tackle him and start choking him out
and the other kids gather round and start trying to pull me off and I let them, because my heart wasn’t really in it TBH. I didn’t want to kill him that bad, just to let him know crossing me had consequences. But in that moment I could have killed him.
Another reason I got away with it, they started casting demons out of me (Christian private school, gotta love it), and I went with that story, “It was the demons, I couldn’t resist”
I think that was the point I was politely asked to leave, and did…. so money, connections and religion can cover a multitude of sins.
Anyway pretty much since age 14 when I get murderously angry, I walk away, and I still get that angry, I just choose to walk, but some times especially these last few years walking away gets harder
“But I was in private school at the time so I got therapy, and later on I got really good at talking my way out of things”
>>and…that’s how all the rich kids get away with everything. not saying you’re one of the rich kids. i mean kids with REAL money. kids from really wealthy families. they become the worst kind of humans, bc they never face any consequences. money, parents, and connections ALWAYS get them off the hook, so they just become more rotten.
Have you watched this murder series, “Behind Mansion Walls”? Really great series. These spoilt rotten kids (and their equally rotten rich parents) get murdered and idk- this is like one of the only murder series where I actually ROOT for the little shits to off their asshole parents.
The host is a fucking hoot too lol. Great murder series if you haven’t watched it yet.
Telling them all that stuff about being emotionally reserved and your exposure method might not have painted you in the best light. I’m sorry you didn’t get the job. You’ve always been so kind to me, and I wish the best for you.
I’m just saying. If it’s a victim advocate position, they’re probably looking for someone who is empathetic and outgoing. That’s all I meant by the emotionally reserved stuff. To them it mightve sounded like the opposite of empathetic.
You’ve always been really good at speaking to people here though, and anyone here could speak of your empathy in volumes. Don’t stop trying! Somewhere out there is another position with your name on it!
I can be outgoing, when there’s a call for it. It’s been awhile since there’s been a call for it.
I’m always a hateful hermit when I feel like this; useless, pointless, all dressed up with no place to go….. I work SO hard sometimes. Even I don’t know why. I keep hoping I’ll stumble into something great…. it used to happen now and then, it hasn’t happened for a long time.
oh no, I didn’t tell them jack about my inner workings. If there is one person I trust the least, it’s the person holding what I want in their hands
that was a discussion with my therapist, who I’m sure is going to have interesting things to say about these developments. When I told her I hadn’t had hope like this in years, she said I should have it more often. Sick as it is, I’m the one that’s vindicated. I know my place in the world. No one bends a knee to me, and I curtsy to no one if you know what I mean.
hope is like cancer, the world would be better off without it. It’s a scam to con gullible fools into betting it all on a long shot, we’re all that gullible fool now and then, but it doesn’t have to be that way.
I feel pessimistic about hope as well. I also relate to your musings about sociopathy. I’m beginning to think that a sociopath is someone who once was very empathetic but was pushed too far and snapped. But I’m biased. Maybe I only think this because I feel as if I could snap one day, myself.