I spend so much of my time trying to escape from my reality. Especially at night. All I want is for the awareness to go away. The awareness that my life is meaningless, that I will live and die alone. I often take sleeping pills. They work, but they leave me feeling worse the next day, drained of energy and barely able to get out of bed. And my dreams while on them tend to be pretty weird – lots of anxiety. But the alternative is spending hours sitting with my awareness, too tired to divert my mind or focus on anything else. Hour after hour of feeling that everything is empty, hopeless, meaningless. Alone. So that’s why I take the pills, even though it fucks me up. Because I get to the point where I’m desperate for a way out, to not feel like that anymore.
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It’s at times like these, I wish scripts were as easy to recommend and get to as illicit drugs. though, outside of weed illicit drugs really aren’t THAT easy either. But broadly what you’d be looking for is mood stabilizers and anti convulsants. Every time the doctor puts me on a new one he spins it as a negative that I’ll be less interested in my life, but to me that’s the point of it. I don’t want to be fully engaged with life.
and of course I’d want to look at your sleep habits. I reshaped my whole life around sleep….. and I get it, and I’m slowly getting off the sleep meds. I feel more awake, less foggy.
I’m not bipolar, so not sure that kind of thing would do me much good. It’s not that my mood fluctuates manically – it’s more like the “default level” is low, and when I run out of energy to combat that each night I get stuck in a despair loop.
My sleep habits are pretty garbage, primarily because my sleep revolves around that “despair loop”. I can’t relax when I’m in that mind space. It’s not that I’m manic or my mind’s racing – it’s more like I can’t let go of consciousness and drift off. I just have this overwhelming awareness that nothing is ok, and nothing I can do can make it right.
Pills are the only thing that can induce that drowsy feeling of “letting go” now. Unfortunately that feeling lags until the next day, so I’ll just lie in bed all day.
It’s more of an anti anxiety thing, I’ve never qualified as manic either. I’m probably doing a disservice to trying to describe what it’s like, it’s like when I first started sleeping with a weighted blanket, or a blindfold, it shuts stuff out, and I feel this deep calm relaxation, and just slip into sleep with no effort at all (where without it’s a lot of work)
I’ve had trouble sleeping most of my life, taken almost everything for it. On the rare occasion I wake up in the night, I take a half dose and I’m out, and it doesn’t even get to me that much in the morning.
I don’t know how I get on anything anymore though. My last doctor visit I went in and said “could I feel the same, but lose some weight?” and he did some jiggery pokery, and now I’m on a different mix. I feel like a frankenstein project, the amount of chemistry that’s been run through me, does anyone really know what’s going on? IDK, probably not.