I’m not good and never will be

Why is it, that I get the urge to search up old friends and no one ever tried to find me? They know, where to find me but I’m not that special I guess..

I’m gonna give myself yet another gastric inflammation from all the mental effing stress. I have finally tried to do little attempts to talk to people besides my 2 friends again and yeah, surprise. For the millionth time, I am only an interesting person for a few days max. Most days, it didn’t even bother me but today hit really hard. It’s so bad I am feeling sick to my stomach.

I have a horrid & traumatic history of people ignoring me, being replaced or people just simply using me and being a.holes. So naturally, I am always suspicious and it drives me nuts on rare occasions. Nothing helps against it. Nothing. All the distractions I’ve tried and I know, I’ll always be this unwanted and uninteresting.

In the past I thought it’s because I talk about myself too much so I’ve tried asking questions to take an interest but again, I am just the one, where the person goes: “*tells big secret* I’ve never told that to anyone.” And then it’s like I don’t exist the next day. I’m not a dumpster to unload on, geez..

My friends are great and my sanity would be -499 if they weren’t around but why is it that everytime I feel like I lose my grip, suddenly something comes up with them? Can it really always be a coincidence? I feel like a crazy person sometimes, but the amount that happened, can just not be my imagination.

It’s not like I have been in a great place, my life still moves nowhere and in slow-motion at that. (Honestly don’t want to talk about all that, even though there’s so much to it) But I have not thought about an attempt on death for long, except now. Even made an acquaintance with someone from SP some time ago and they never reply, I guess even depressed people simply don’t care about me existing in this world. So, what is the point again?

Sorry, for being so whiny. I thought I was past that point but I truly don’t think, that I am worth something. Even my art really s*cked lately and I beat myself up over it heavily.