void

There is nothing for me in this life. Nothing in my day to day existence that I care about enough to make it worthwhile. No future possibilities open to me that seem worth pursuing. And that feels… intolerable. Unacceptable. I don’t know how to live without any positive motivation. And that doesn’t mean I’m going to kill myself. Unless my fear of continuing to live overwhelms my fear of death, I doubt I’ll ever do it. Which means I’ll likely go on existing, growing more and more miserable, bitter, and full of pain.

And contemplating that reality makes it seem even more unbearable. So I desperately try to distract myself. I numb my mind so much that I can’t even think straight. Because if I can’t think straight, I won’t see the future that waits for me. Once again, it’s time for the sleeping pills. Time to pass out, and forget what I am, and what life is. Then spend tomorrow desperately trying to wake myself up enough to concentrate on work. It’s worth it, this brain-damaging escape. Anything to forget, for a few hours.