and perhaps even that hope itself will resolve itself to be fata morgana

humans are prone to find patterns, even when they aren’t there, so I’ve always tried to correct away. On that same note, human behavior tends to follow patterns, so I do tend to give some credit to any patterns I find in my own behavior

When I get really sad, I tend to look far off for some hope, something to grasp for. This much I know about myself.

shame has kept me silent about it for so long, even now I can’t confess to anyone who knows my name or face. Damned pride and damned my desire to not look silly and stupid. Because I am, quite silly, quite stupid. Faith and magical thinking are seperated by a razor thin line, you have to understand that. Read on cults and you’ll see it. Very persuasive people, they can convince someone of anything….. except I stopped turning it outward a long time ago for the most part. Didn’t find much need to…. But I turned it on myself, similar to how I turned my anger on myself and became suicidal.

and I convinced myself, that magical thinking, that faith could produce any result. Maybe it could and I aimed it wrong, I have no understanding of the higher power, I admit that much. Heck, I’ve become agnostic, I’m not even sure that higher power exists. Some faith, eh?

Nothing like a psychotic break to mess with your conception of reality, and metaphysics. We won’t be talking too much about that.

Since the break though, I’ve become more and more sure that magical thinking fantasy was a fantasy after all. I wanted to aquire an abandoned ICBM launch facility, they only made a few dozen of them and most of them are incredibly hard to get access to. I had one I became fixated with, learned inside and out. It had some nice land attached, it was in Colorado, I was obsessed, beyond obsessed about it for years. I was convinced it was my destiny to go. I waited twelve years.

It didn’t happen. Shock I know, but it was a little surprising to me. I really thought there would be some greater force in the universe, some kind of vindication to my faith. This has all been back story.

Fast forward, past the break, past years of disappointments on the supernatural front. Meanwhile, I’ve made something of myself. Not a lot, but something. My meager investments have started to grow, and in another few years I could cash out and maybe have something, not a lot I repeat, but something.

I come from a well off family. If I could cash out all my net worth at this moment, I’d be very well to do indeed. It can’t happen, for many reasons, the main one being that most of it is tied up in real estate, and that not all of that is in my name. I’m the sole beneficiary, so in 30-50 years it’ll all land right here….. but not yet. Patience is something I find myself still learning.

And earlier this year I found a new fixation, a new parcel of land that seems to have enchanted me. This one is different. It’s closer to affordable, if I was able to cash out a smaller portion of my investments….. well, I could buy it. It has some very real flaws which is why it’s been on the market for six months.

BUT. At the same time. Fata morgana. Patterns. My heart has learned at least some from last time. It’s a dream, a wish. a hope that maybe might be.

A hope I’d like to make happen, that if I had some damn cooperation, FOR ONCE, I could do it.

but I don’t know what to do. Something different, surely. The damn listing haunts me, it says “message the agent” but what would I say “Hi, I’m a young man with money tied up in land who is quite interested in trying to work out an arrangment?” Do people say such things to real estate agents?!

but staying silent doesn’t feel right either is the hard thing. It didn’t work out well before. Damn patterns, damn humanity and it’s ineptitude and damn my humanity.