School ended two weeks ago. Barely passed the one class I was in and didn’t hit my goals for my thesis. Fairly predictable outcome. I got to go home for a week which is nice. I always get short tempered when I’m around my family. I just got so used to being on my own that having to plan around other people gets annoying. I really shouldn’t be though. My parents were really happy to see me again. Been almost half a year since they did. Wish I wasn’t and can be happy around them, but oh well I guess.
Tomorrow I start my amazon internship. I don’t think it’s hit me yet. It usually doesn’t until I’m there. The last internship I had I was a wreck. An absolute mess of a bundle of nerves and anxiety. Scared to say anything to anyone. One of the plant manager noted that I stare at the floor a lot when I walk. Too scared to look anyone in the eye. This was for some no name cabinet making factory. It got shut down and the operation moved to mexico like a few months after I left. Now I’m going to work for one of the biggest companies in the world and I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. I’m going to miss being able to eat. Too much anxiety to do so last time. I think the blow of it all is a bit cusioned by the fact that I’m being paid a lot. Like a metric fuckton. Like more than I’ve ever seen in my life. Because of this my spending has been reckless and stupid the past few weeks. I’m sure I’ll screw this up somehow and end up with less money than I started with. If I don’t get outright fired yet. My mom is very worried about me. She’s been constantly saying “They don’t expect you to know anything. You’re there to learn. It will be ok.” over and over again when she calls. I get it. She was there when I was falling apart last time. Like I said, I don’t think it has hit me yet. I look forward to the crippling fear when I walk through those office doors. Hopefully it will kill me.