Part A:
We’re continuing to stress test this thing. IF that wall wasn’t there…….. heh. Let’s just say we should all be glad it is. No particularly dangerous thoughts, I’m able to keep some level of control, externally it looks like I’m pretty well put together.
today though. Work is going nuts, and at the same time, so is everything else. It really started with a flat tire, which turned into my car not being capable of being driven because I need to have a lug nut bolt replaced…… I’ve never heard of this until today…. and I kinda started to crumple after that. Then my backup vehicle, my truck won’t start either, even though I put a battery maintainer on it. So the first time we stress test THAT….. it doesn’t work. Typical. And we try to limp to the auto parts store. NOPE.
We worked it out. I’m calm. It’s work, it’s a lot of work. I’m trying very very very hard not to hurt anyone, including myself.
Part B;
Perversion. My new job is weird. We have some of the grossest human beings coming in, but then some times some of the ladies….. God if I still had a pulse. This one lady. I have no one to talk to about it, because my therapist skipped town two weeks ago, and all the therapists at her office only work the hours I work. Anyway, this one lady, I could SMELL her. It shouldn’t have even been a good smell……
but if I was a younger unmarried man…….
and I have nothing to do with it, nothing at all….. where is it all supposed to go? I’m trying to get it up to make a baby with my wife, and instead my body wants to perv on clients?! WTF? and WHY?! I hate not having control on this.
and that’s part C;
I can’t even navigate getting a therapist again, because it would involve doing things during work hours, and those are precious hours, I need those hours….. I only get five of them a week, and I have to eat and get errands done in them.
I might call the hotline, not because suicidal, just to talk to someone not family about this…. stuff.