On May 31st at 4:40 a.m. I told my mom and stepdad I couldn’t deal with it anymore. It had been a long night, they were screaming, fighting, mom was throwing shit everywhere. Phone calls were made. This was all after, of course, we had packed everything into the U-Haul because we had to move due to money and just their issues in general. Stepdad would change his mind every few minutes, but I think his decision was made. He’s back in New Jersey, probably with our cats and dog, that I’ll probably never see again. The day before I had held mom as she cried with a bottle of wine in her hand, as she asked why everyone threw her away. I had no answers, but I comforted her the best I could. I told her I loved her, and I wouldn’t ever throw her away. I didn’t get any sleep May 30th-31st. I sat on the balcony as they fought for hours. I remember it getting cold, that I needed to pee, but I wouldn’t go in. I never do. I lived with fighting like that all my life, all I can do is find a place and stay there. I was texting my friend, because I could barely stay sane at this point. And, well, she told me I couldn’t stay there anymore. I fought it, I really did, I believe in family, in loyalty, in selflessness, in love. You do things you don’t always want to, for those you love.
And yet, at 4:40 a.m., a little while after mom broke down, and calmed down, I went up to her, tried to tell her I’d be gone for a week or so. She cut me off. Said it was fine. I knew it wasn’t fine. She wouldn’t let me talk. I told her as much as I could that I loved her and I wasn’t leaving for good. I don’t think she took in anything I said.
At 6:03 a.m. I got the text from my friend saying she was in the parking lot. I had already had a suitcase, because we had been packing to move anyway – to stay with my grandmother, the woman I’d rather be anywhere else than with, for a short while. All my other things were in storage already. Now, I’m not sure when I’ll get any of it back. I told both of them goodbye, that I’d be coming back. They said they loved me, hoped I would be safe, and okay. Mom told me to tell my sisters hi and she loves and misses them. I told her that of course I would.
Got here, back to my friend’s house. My hometown. It felt odd. I slept for a few hours. Later, I woke up to a phone call. It was my stepdad’s phone, ’cause mom doesn’t have one she can use, but it was her. After I had left, apparently, he had decided he couldn’t do it anymore and is heading back to New Jersey. Leaving her here, homeless, essentially. He promised we’d get to keep our storage, he’d keep it in the unit for us. It seems that he waited for me to leave before he left. No one will take my mom in now, or help her out, and I am unable to. My grandmother apparently decided to not let her stay, even though she swore to me over the phone she would. I knew better than to trust her anyway. All of mom’s family in West Virginia won’t do anything. There was talk of a relapse. I’m sure that’s why I have no money now. So… I don’t know where she is. I really just… I left her. Alone. God only knows where she is now.
The week went… fine. I know my friend’s parents really well, and I’m in the spare room downstairs. They’re nice people, apparently they had told my friend I could stay for however long, she told them over the months about the situation – she thinks my family is emotionally abusive. I still am not so sure. I contacted my family down here, let them know I’m down here but haven’t gone into specifics with really anyone – only my dad knows a little bit more, but I’m sure he can guess plenty. I told him not to say a word to my sister about it – she’s 10, she’s happy, she loves her mom and stepdad to death and wants to see them frequently but obviously has a life down here. I went to see my grandparents who essentially raised me for a decade of my life. I hadn’t contacted them, or really anyone, in months. It was good to see them. I went with some close family to Silver Dollar City one day even though I didn’t want to at first. I’m glad I went though. I felt bad for having to be another financial burden. I went to my sister’s softball game the day after, she lost, but she won another one I didn’t see so that’s okay. I went to see some other family and got to meet my cousin’s second baby for the first time – she’s beautiful, like her mom.
I miss my mom.
I don’t think about anything much, but when I do, I’m consumed with regret and shame. I still can’t believe I did this. I’m selfish, and weak, and a coward. I went back on my word. I didn’t realize it’d all go to shit when I left, I thought I’d just be gone a week, surely. But no. I’ve just left her. I had held her crying the night before, helping her open her bottle of wine, telling her I love her so much, that I won’t throw her away, that I won’t abandon her or anything like that. But, really, I did. I couldn’t handle the screaming, the fighting, the being dragged into it all the time. No real sense of stability. There was no real love, it seemed. And I was/still am attempting to get on my own feet but there was no real way I could do it. Look at me, trying to justify it all. I did what I did. I left. Because I’m a coward, because I’m not strong enough to handle it. I thought, maybe, that I was, I did for awhile, didn’t I? My friend just kept hammering over and over in my head that I needed to leave. She said it was killing me, staying there. But I think this regret, this shame, will kill me first. I think I’m the reason mom’s homeless right now, in a sense. That he only stayed because I was there and he obviously had more money between the 2 of them. He complained about that all the time – money. Said he didn’t wanna be broke so he was gonna leave. He never even said goodbye. Not to me. Not to my sisters, who love him to death. I have heard from neither of them since May 31st.
Now, it’s 5:45 p.m., June 12th, and this shame and guilt could kill me. But I have to hurry and compose myself, because I have to help my friend’s mom clean up a bit. It’s the least I can do since they’re letting me stay – I’ve offered to pay rent soon and they’ve said no, but I’ll probably do it anyway. It’s the least I can do, considering I’m nothing but vile trash, worthless trash, who likes to think she does something right, that she at the very least is strong enough to love her family through everything. I still do – I really do. But I’m weak. I left. I did what I said I wouldn’t, and every day, whether I acknowledge it or not, it kills me. I’m not sure how much more I can take, I can’t really turn back, can I? What’s done is done, and now mom is out there, abandoned somewhere, and that part of the family is in shambles. To think, I thought surely, I wasn’t that bad – maybe I did have something worth redeeming.
But here we are.
It’s been a rough week.
3 comments
I’m sorry you were put in that position. Your friend is right. You needed to get out of there. From what I read from your previous posts, you were in no position to help her as you were. The best thing you can do is try to get on your feet and you couldn’t do that there. As bad as it sounds, you made the right call. From my perspective, and I could be wrong, it seems like it’s on you step dad. If he didn’t want to to stick around for your mom, he could’ve at least done it for your sisters.
I’m glad you have a friend who’s able to help you when you need it. It’s very kind of her and her parents. I’m glad your able to see parts of your family you haven’t seen in a while.
You’re not weak or trash for making the logical decision. I know you love your mom and sisters and hopefully you’ll be in a place where you can help them. But you can’t help them if you don’t help yourself first. Be strong. I know you’ll make it through this.
It’s just hard, it seems no matter what decision I would’ve made would’ve been wrong, and no matter what it hurts. I can’t shake off the shame or regret no matter what I do. It just feels like I made the selfish decision. The one that hurt her most. Logic is difficult sometimes. It’s stupid to wish none of it ever happened, bc, well, it did and there’s nothing to do about it now other than move on. But still.
Idek what to say about our stepdad at this point like he really made a full show about wanting to stay and all that and then would change his mind quite literally every few minutes, especially that night. I guess part of me is still upset he never has tried contacting me since I’ve been here – we’ve known each other and he’s been my stepdad since I was 11. Just thought things would be different. I just really wish I knew I’d be here permanently bc I would’ve told my cat goodbye.
My friend and her family are cool – she lives in another town but her parents are still here, obviously. Now I’m just scared I’m burdening them all like I do everyone else.
I don’t feel strong anymore, man.
I hope things are ok/get better for you as well. And I hope you find that Aurora – sooner rather than later. I understand the loneliness, it def hurts. You’re a lot stronger than I am to be certain haha but still, hopefully things will get better for you bc from what I see when I read your posts you deserve things to be better than they are – I know you’ll be able to get through it too.
I know it’s hard. It’s hard because you love them so much. That’s a good thing. What needs to happen first though is you need to focus on getting yourself to a good place. Then you’ll be able to help them like you want.
I wish the stuff with your step dad was different too.
The fact that you’re thinking about helping with rent means you aren’t a burden.
You are stronger than you know. Compared to your situation, my stuff is a cakewalk. I don’t think I’d be able to endure half of what you have. I know things are going to get better for you.