Things will only get better if I actively make it happen. And the truth is I don’t have it in me. I don’t have the hope, the ambition, the drive, the energy, the will. All that’s left in me is craving, regret, depression, sadness, resentment. I’m tired all the time. In low-level pain all the time. I don’t talk to anybody, rarely even leave the house or see anybody. I just do my work, eat, rot in front of the computer and occasionally sleep. And have weird mixed up dreams of people I used to know, back when I was still a person.
So nothing will get better, because I won’t make it happen. I don’t have the strength or the drive to put myself through all the necessary work. I tell myself I will, but deep down I know I won’t. I’ve proven time and again that I won’t. It’ll get too uncomfortable and I will bail.
So all that my life is about now is managed decline. Every year is a little more painful, a little more lonely, and the regret and sadness grow. And a large part of me just wants to skip to the end credits. I know how this film’s going to go, and it’s pretty fucking bleak.
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yup, that first paragraph is me too (but minus the dreams of ppl)
I can relate so much to this. It’s made me hate my dreams.
Is there a level of rage and anger involved as well? I tend to feel that a fair bit as well.
rage and anger- yep. a HUGE amt for me, not just ‘a fair bit’
I also hate my dreams. When I do actually sleep, I wake up with all these mixed feelings that drag me back into the past.
It’s weird for me, because although I do feel a lot of hatred and resentment, I also have a keen sense that the only real cause of all my problems is within me. So though I can hate the universe for creating me as I am, and resent that others don’t have to experience it, any anger I do have towards people doesn’t really feel justified. I mostly just want it to stop.
A listless life…
What do we do when we no longer have the hope, the ambition, the drive, the energy, the will to alter our life?
Otherwise, we are just rotting away…
I dunno. I’m trying to focus on small steps. The tiny things I can just about push myself to do, that might possibly improve things just a little bit. But it’s never going to be close to enough to make things ok, and I know that. And while all my energy is focused on getting these tiny little little things done, other parts of my life continue to deteriorate. It’s like I’m bailing water out of a sinking ship with a teaspoon. But absurdism is all the rage apparently, so ¯\_(?)_/¯
i’m in the same situation -_-
I’ve had some crazy dreams…mostly good/fun, exciting…rarely were they scary and I’d wake myself up if they were…they tended to happen if I ate too much or at the wrong times or if my life was in turmoil at the time.
But with good dreams I can sometimes recall them…and it feels so amazing to put yourself in certain situations like that which is nearly impossible irl…they’re like a surreal movie. I wish it was possible to record and show others…not to mention that you re-live certain emotions like the anxiety/tension I had when I was trying to pick up a pretty girl for example.
As for the slow decline in your life, it’s kind of a catch-22 that many of us are in. If you want to “be happy” and make friends, you need to be happy to bring people into your life…but how can you do that while you’re not happy?
Or the old finding a job example, they want you to have experience to get the job, but how can you get the experience if they don’t give you a job?
Changing one’s life takes effort. I recall I had been fairly sedentary for a while, I think it was health related over about 20 years ago (or I hadn’t found a job) …anyways, I hung out with my friends downtown to see a movie, the theater we were at had a ton of stairs to go down (escalator wasn’t working).
So as I started descending the flights-which normally would be nothing for me, I found that my legs got really painful…I tried to act normal because it was a bit embarrassing…my legs were trembling a bit by the time I safely made it down.
I realized I had been inactive for far too long and started working out again…going up and down stairs, trying to walk a lot more…it changed everything. The body bounces back as long as you stick to a good routine.
I think that’s the same for anything we want in life. Imo, you don’t want to get stuck in a place where you’re miserable-I’ve been there. If you choose to keep living then try to live a fuller, rewarding life…you’ll still have depression, anger, pain, anxiety, but at the same time, you’ll be doing things that will make you feel better.
Ofc the alternative is always there, even though it’s not easy to do…and I guess in the back of everyone’s mind including myself. I’ve given myself about a decade to reach my next level-my main problem is financial.
So if I get to a better place, then I’ll keep going because there are things I still enjoy in life…. However, if I’m coasting or declining, then I also know how this story ends and will “hasten my demise.” There’s no sensible reason to keep going if it never gets better.
not sure I buy it, but then…. I’ve never lived it, a life comfortable enough where change is scarier than looking ahead at decay. I’ve read about it, I’ve studied it…….. but I might as well be studying people who pay $20k to hike up Everest and die there, a monument to their own vanity and lack of imagination….. I don’t get how that works either. not saying there are any paralells apart from my lack of comprehension.
I’m saying if I pay $20k to die it’s going to be way more interesting than that, and definitely not involve exploiting any sherpas.
but you admit it there right at the start, you don’t hate your life enough. I might be misreading. I meanwhile am so full of hate I’ve spent most of my life seeking zen to deal with my excess of hate. I wish I could lend you some, it really is excessive. Not towards people, just towards……. where I am, what I would become if I stood perfectly still and didn’t try for better.
Man, wouldn’t it be easier to hate people. It seems quite popular these days, not that it gets anyone anywhere, just that if everyone is doing it…. *shrug*……… I guess that’s part of my aversion. I at the same time am fascinated with what it must be like to want to immitate others, and I despise that impulse in myself.
So… imagine you’ve lost any belief in a future that isn’t full of decay. The only options left to you are to push yourself to do things that might slow the speed of the decay a little, or continue on down the path of least resistance. Add to that overwhelming social phobia that makes even seeking help from others incredibly intimidating, chronic insomnia that makes maintaining any kind of routine or regimen exhausting, plus addiction issues, and you might start to get it.
It’s not that my life is comfortable exactly. It’s that I’ve gotten so used to the discomfort, and so far from believing in any other kind of existence, that it no longer seems urgent. Constant low-level back pain? Meh. Add it to the list. But things generally aren’t so excruciating that it drives me to face my fears and seek help, or kill myself.