Even doing my art, something that’s supposed to be therapeutic and expressive for me, has become another thing that I always overthink and hesitate on, something I dislike, something I don’t do unless I think it will be perfect – or, well, as perfect as I can do anything ever. I can’t even do my hobbies w/o being reminded of my flaws, and it stings. Always worried about everything. It’s ridiculous, honestly. It made me lose my motivation, creativity, any of it. Sure, everyone goes through their phases, I’m just going through one of my own in this little section of my life. It’s gotten to the point I don’t even feel like my art matters, or is important, or anything. But I managed to push myself a bit, hence the picture above. I think I can say that I like it. I did another one but I don’t really like it. But I suppose that’s another thing, I’m not very good at taking risks in anything, and especially if I don’t deem it good enough I don’t want to do it again. Not just my art- the thing that doesn’t matter, but everything else that does matter. I don’t like being confronted with failure, I guess, because it only amplifies everything in my head. And it sucks. People have an opinion of me already, I think. Something pitiful, something burdensome, something not worth the time, something some people will have pity on and help out- hence my case at the moment. I am trying, and I am taking some steps. Baby steps, really, but I don’t feel good. I don’t feel proud. I feel like it’s something I was supposed to do a year ago and perhaps earlier. I feel like it’s the bare minimum and no one’s ever proud of the bare minimum. It’s just things you’re supposed to do. Things that I seem to struggle with so, so much. Whether due to fear or just being a dumbass, or both.
And I feel bad, because I’ve started to look at my friend’s parents- who I’m staying with currently, as extended family of sorts. The mom especially has done more than I’m used to, has helped/helping me with things that need to be done, actually doing what my parents were supposed to when I was living with them when I was in high school, but they kinda just left me to figure it out, but I couldn’t because I needed adults for certain things obviously. Haha. Everything was thrown on the backburner for a long, long time and obviously I was supposed to figure it out once I left but didn’t know how. I’m an idiot, an ignorant one, I know that. I’m not going to blame anyone for my own incompetence. I’m trying to do better, but it never feels like enough. And I don’t know how anyone can tolerate me for more than 5 minutes at a time. I can’t fathom it. My friend said a few weeks ago that I need to start therapy soon. It was after I broke down and cried and apologized for being a burden and things of that sort. I’ve never done that before – only doing so alone, so I feel bad about that too. She said she wouldn’t tell her parents (who I’m staying with) but I kinda think she did haha. I’m not mad, I just don’t want anyone feeling the need to tell me something they don’t believe. I definitely don’t want my family to know, though, because they’d just get mad and I’m so tired of fighting anymore. I know it’s terrible, but I rarely reach out to my mom even after everything. We have email so I’m able to contact her when she’s at… wherever she is, she won’t tell me. But I got mad when she was just asking for more $ and wondering what I had told family down here, because she obviously doesn’t want anyone knowing anything. I think she seemed agitated when I had emailed her back once, when she asked how I was doing – I think I sounded a little too… happy? No, it’d be content, I guess. It always makes her feel bad, I think, like making her feel like a failure. I guess it’s my fault, though, I could’ve worded it a lot better. I could also just… exist better, but ya know.
I’ve been so tired, sleeping like shit, and the fatigue never goes away. Drives me nuts. I just wish I could do something right, be something better than this. I really am trying. I’m just upset, because I was supposed to be the strong one, the one that could help everyone, but here I am being the typical burden that I think I always was.
Ah, anyway.
7 comments
Hello there.
I really like your art. I’ve seen a few other posts of yours, but this one speaks to me. Probably because it reminds me of the Eye of Cthulhu from Terraria, one of my favorite games.
Anyway, we all need to remember that we don’t all go at the same pace, or think the same way. Sure there’s a general idea as to how things should go, but we are all different. I hope you can take the time to not beat yourself down when it comes to where you are vs where you feel you should be, or the level of perfectionism to shoot for. Some people redo and redo until they get to a perceived perfection point, but then some things never get done because of it. I prefer that you made that, even if you think it wasn’t perfect than nothing at all.
I’ve always liked art and music as a kid and teen. Used to write a lot of poems and songs and stories, that was my outlet. I find myself not really doing that at all anymore, but I’d started writing a dumb rap about IT to the beat of Enimem’s Lose Yourself, and it’s silly, but I felt a little bit like I’d regained a sliver of my younger self at that point. It’s not perfect, but it helped me to see that there maybe something still there you know?
I hope you’re able to pieces things together the way you want.
T, the trulymindless1
Oh yeah, it does kinda look like the Eye of Cthulhu from Terraria – it’s been forever since I played that game, I remember having a lot of fun on it though I was never very good. The piece is Lovecraftian inspired as I really like cosmic horror and things of that sort 🙂
It’s hard not to beat yourself up about it when you know everyone else around you is wondering why you’re not where you need to be. I guess it wouldn’t be as bad if I wasn’t burdening people, but I am, so it’s a little more jarring to look at, you know? I just want to be enough, I want to be worthy and capable of doing things well… right? The way I should? Be who I need to be? I don’t know. Doing anything right at all would be better than… whatever I’m doing now. I don’t know if I’m a perfectionist or not – I rarely do anything the way it needs to be done to really qualify, I guess.
Art/music/literature is really important to me too – it’s expression, it’s therapeutic, a form of process of sorts. Plus, in my opinion, it adds character or the human touch to what is typically inhuman, if that makes sense. That’s really cool that you’d write and stuff – I did occasionally, but it’s been forever since I’ve written anything. I do feel like, like how you wrote a rap that helped you regain a little bit of yourself, I get the same effect with my own art – hence the piece I posted.
And thank you for the reply 🙂 gives my sleepless self something different to think ab for awhile
Yeah, best value game I’ve ever played. The master runs and hardcore runs are pretty crazy. I could never do that…
Yeah, that was almost 10 years ago now, I’ve been here so long smh. How long have you been around here? Your username looks familiar to me.
“I guess it wouldn’t be as bad if I wasn’t burdening people, but I am, so it’s a little more jarring to look at, you know?”
I can relate to this too, I’m so far behind of my peers and other family and it drives me mad, even though I’m trying to be more self reliant. I completely understand.
Yeah, it also drives me mad, I hate it so much. And it’s my own fault anyway so I don’t really have the right to complain, so I just make sure to remind myself what I am on the daily instead..
I’ve been here since July of 2022 – 2 years and 5 days actually. Funny, I’d just realized that the other day how long I’ve been here. I like the community here, I like that there’s some sort of… safe space, maybe? Here because I don’t have any anywhere else to talk about this stuff.
I don’t know why, my mind immediately jumped to Legend of Zelda Majora’s Mask and Junji Ito’s Hellstar Remina.
I’m enjoying the union of the two, things I never put side by side before but both with similar themes on anxiety, like your work.
That’s an interesting combo I’d say – had to look up the second one you brought up and I can see how you’d think of that, I think. The art is pretty cool – definitely something I’d be into and look into more (thanks for that, btw). I’ve seen bits and pieces of Majora’s Mask but unfortunately have not had the chance to ever play it, though I’d like to. But clearly both have the doomsday vibe and I also tried to portray that in my own art, I’m glad the idea I was going for can be seen
I feel for and relate to your situation. It sounds like you are forced into being the parent, even though you’re just a kid. You’re taking responsibility for your parent’s feelings, which is a lot of pressure, and it’s usually the other way around. I was like that, and it wasn’t until I was 30 that I figured out, it’s not ideal, and it effects you later down the track.
You’re just feeling way too much responsibility for everyone else. Try to keep in mind, it was your friend’s families’ choice to take you in, so you shouldn’t feel a burden, especially if you’re pulling your weight around the house (you’re probably very welcomed, if so!)
And you shouldn’t feel responsible for your mum. She made choices, and that’s on her. All you owe her is to live your best life…
When you’re too strong, too independent, people forget how unsustainable it is to be that all the time. It’s ok to get help when you need it, it sounds like there are people who are gladly giving you that gift, so don’t disrespect it! Accept it gratefully, you will make them happy.