I thought about “saying goodbye” but that sounds like I’m leaving, and I’m not. Just dealing with grief, which has been a dominant force in my life. I guess I just wanted to SHARE. A bit of grief for Plainwhite doing as he did, it’s a bittersweet kind, like graduation sort… And of course it isn’t final final. He’ll have to be gone awhile for it to be even persistant….. but I’ve learned to prep accordingly. People willing to announce an exit often do eventually.
It’s a bit the same with another, an old friend has dropped off the map……….. again. Last sign of life I can find for her was in April. I hadn’t had the willpower to check in on her for a bit, and now I did, but it was too late she’s dropped off radar. So she could just be gone…. found a new life which would only be a little sad.. She could be dead. She wasn’t healthy to start with.
and you see the parallel, I do seem to collect a certain type of person don’t I? No offence meant.. I just wish I loved someone less sick…… a stable pillar would be nice.
but a steady diet of grief, that’s what is certain.
I’m marinating in it right now. What if they’re both gone? Two more holes in my life…. out of how many? how many? lost track awhile ago. When I was trying to track her down I saw a few of the other holes. One of my friends from college, died the first year out….. sigh, I mean come on.
One of my cousins is still missing, probably dead.
Holes, holes everywhere.
Sometimes I wonder if that’s why I’m always looking through discarded people…. like I might find someone. Absurd, of course.
I’m not going to find anything, or anyone. I’m going to make peace with the scars. Let new people in. That’s all. It’s just an ongoing cycle of that until I’m dead. There’s no romance, or hope. There’s good feelings while they last. I just won’t avoid them just because it hurts when they’re over.
My anthem for the whole thing has become Angel of the Morning by Juice Newton….. about a lady getting over a one night stand, because all friendships are in the end, too short. Less sexy, usually. IDK, I’ve had some pretty unsexy one night stands. I wouldn’t go back to that life.
1 comment
I don’t think it’s absurd at all to look for discarded people. I think you’re likely just a deep person, so attachment persists and you feel grief deeper than others. Inevitably, people move on, one way or another. You can see it as a hole. Or see it as a candle that went out – celebrate the memory of the flame instead of the void. Nothing lasts forever, not even grief.